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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A magic wand to make it go away!

5 replies

Viagrafalls · 04/04/2011 09:46

Apologies in advance for what will be a long post..
I'm 36 years old and 18 weeks pregnant. I've suffered from depression/anxiety a lot in the past but am currently not taking any medication and apart from the usual worries about money, bump, birth etc am feeling fine. The fact that i am pregnant is a miracle because for the last 2 years I have had no sex drive at all and I'm so worried. I love my DP so much but there is nothing there for me physically and the guilt is killing me. It all started 2 years ago when I finished my job and tried to start a degree, I found the work challenging but okay but the uncertainty of the future started to really get me down and I dropped out to work again. Originally I had thought the lack of desire came from the meds I was taking (Prozac) so I stopped taking them. This had no effect except to make me more depressed so my Dr put me on Citalopram and on a waiting list for some psychosexual counselling... Still no desire to have sex at all and I started to think that my sub-conscious was sabotaging my chances of having children as thats all I ever wanted and the longer it went on the less chance i had of conceiving. By some miracle, even though on the pill and with having sex possibly twice in November with a little Dutch courage, I got pregnant which is great. Smile
I have no problem with my DP, I love him so much and find him attractive, I have no problem with kisses and cuddles but when he comes near me in bed I freeze up. I cant seem to get um.. 'wet' (sorry TMI) and not sure if this is a symptom of having no desire or the fact that I cant get wet is making me afraid to have sex. It feels terrible as he is so understanding and kind, and has put no pressure on me at all in any way but this just makes me feel more guilty, compounded by the fact that in the past I have had some real humdinger arsehole boyfriends in the past and never had a problem with sex in any way with them, even when in the throes of breaking up. It makes me feel really sad that I can't give him any physical attention - I feel so guilty when I read about women on here joking about 'blow-job night' etc as that is something I used to enjoy but that I just can't seem to do anymore and he's stopped trying because a frozen tearful partner doesn't really arouse him funnily enough. Obviously the Dr thinks everything is okay now since I'm pregnant and I've heard nothing from the counselling people at all ever so I'm presuming it has been cancelled or something..
I weaned myself off Citalopram over a period of a month after the BFP so I'm not taking anything and generally feel fine. Money is tight but I'm so happy we are having a baby and I don't feel depressed at all. I always thought the reason I felt so depressed was because i just wanted to start a family from the age of 25 and couldn't seem to meet anyone that was right until I met my DP. I guess I assumed it would all go away when I got pregnant and it feels like it has except for this pretty major hiccup.
I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff but does anyone have any similar experiences that they would share or any advice they could give?
Thanks - this is really difficult to talk about for me!

OP posts:
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:12

Hello, without sounding crude, you could try lubrication to get the sex started perhaps you would feel like you wanted more if you actually had it, if that makes sense, perhaps you feel so guilty about it ands you are thinking about it that much that it's phsycological.I have'nt any experience of this myself other than haveing previously been on citolapram which did affect my sex drive, i'm sure you are just placing to much emphasis on this and it's a vicious circle when you worry about something, have you spoken to your partner or concidered speaking to him about it?hope this helps abit.x

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 10:15

ILS has a good point, you could try lube if it's anxiety about your own dryness, though to me it sounds like it's more than that. I think you would be best off arranging to see a psychosexual counsellor. It sounds like you have some issues about sex that are emotional rather than physical - maybe you were taught nasty superstitious myths about sex being dirty and mothers being sacred?
It's also true that PG hormones can do funny things to the libido - some women are rampant through the second and third trimesters, some cab't stand the idea of sex.

Viagrafalls · 04/04/2011 10:19

I did wonder about lube, but I definitely don't have any issues with sex being dirty (unless its the right kind of dirty) and in the past, I put it all about pretty freely Blush Its just the desire has completely gone - I guess in my head I'm thinking using ky will be embarrassing (?) as I've never had to before...

OP posts:
Viagrafalls · 04/04/2011 10:29

Oh, and I have the most amazing sexual dreams in which I'm getting myself off Shock but when i wake up it just disappears..

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 10:30

Depression can zap your sex drive, if there are no other underlying problems it could be what is causing you to feel so sexless.

Chase up the doctor for your psychosexual counselling to see how far along your appointment is.

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