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Original poster

I'm totally messed up in my head.Please help.

21 replies

Theonlyexception · 03/04/2011 23:05

I'm 23 years old and have been married to dh for 2.5 yrs. We hav a 2 year old ds and live in Germany where he is based in the RAF. On the outside our life looks pretty lovely (apart from being skint )but I feel so confused. I feel really unsatisfied in my life. I'm studying for a degree so I am 'doing something' but I feel like I'm not. I'm really unhappy living in Germany away from all of my family and friends and I feel really isolated here like I don?t fit in, I miss home so much. Also, I feel a lot of the time like I don?t know whether or not I love my dh. I get on with him well and feel comfy with him, but I don?t really feel very attracted to him anymore, like I don?t fancy him. And when he says he love me I often question in my head whether I truly love him? I mean, how do you know when you really truly love someone? I go through phases of forgetting about all this and feeling ok in my marriage but it always comes back. I also get these ridiculous crushes on people, where I feel like I?m going mad because they are obsessive and the type of crush that I haven?t had since I was about 13! The current object of my secret affection is one of dh?s friends who is also the partner or one of his best female friends. Totally inappropriate and unrequited (I think!) but I can?t stop thinking about him. I think I just feel bored being married. Anyone ever had similar feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonlyexception · 03/04/2011 23:13

Bump :)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:19

i agree,you do sound bored. also,been a forces wife myself,so i get the 'missing home' bit

is there no HIVE on camp? there must be stuff to get involved with

Original poster
Theonlyexception · 03/04/2011 23:23

Yeh, there?s a hive on camp and community events organised regularly which I do attend, but I still feel so homesick. I wish I was at home. I feel like my life is on pause being here.

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GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:25

aw i feel for you. how long is the posting for? can some people from home come out to visit?

Original poster
Theonlyexception · 03/04/2011 23:28

It?s until November 2012 so I try and make myself feel better by saying ?oh at least it?s next year? but it still feels so far away! We?ve had quite a few visitors to see us and that makes me even more homesick Grin

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squeakytoy · 03/04/2011 23:29

How long have you been out there? Is it a permanent posting or will you be back in the UK soon?

Original poster
Theonlyexception · 03/04/2011 23:59

Also just to add to my op I have never really been single. I have always had a bf since being 14! I feel like the fact that I?ve never been properly alone weighs on my mind a lot. I really need some help with all this and don?t know where to turn.

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squeakytoy · 04/04/2011 00:04

Are you able to go back home for a holiday to visit your family? That might help put things into perspective.

You are young, and its natural to feel a bit lonely when you are so far from friends and family, tied down with a small child, and a husband who is no doubt busy a lot of the time too.

Getting crushes, (and keeping it to yourself), and not acting up on it, is quite normal, and harmless... we have all done it at some point, the key thing is not to actually follow that crush through. They wear off, and you often wonder what on earth you found fanciable about them.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/04/2011 00:10

Theonlyexception, I think you are mixing two things up and they need to be separated.

  1. How you feel about yourself. You are dissatisfied with your life. You feel that you are only doing what you are doing to fill time and perhaps appease others? You are not fulfilling any of your own needs and I get the feeling that you do not even know what they are beyond being a housed mother and wife.

And

  1. How you feel about your husband. Do you love him, do you need him or do you just need someone and are used to him? You are wondering if there is someone out there who can provide the fireworks, excitement, romance and fulfilment that you desire.

You need to sort out question 1 before you begin to consider question 2.

You are on a course. It does nothing for you. What would you like to do? If time and money were no barriers, what would you study?

Original poster
Theonlyexception · 04/04/2011 00:17

Dione. That seems spot on about not knowing what I am. I feel like I have lost myself! I feel like when I got with dh, I was a teenager. I kind of yearn for my teenage self sometimes because I don?t think I have really ?found? my adult self. I do love what I?m studying however (English lit) but I feel like I?m getting nowhere fast with it, and I want a career. My ambition before ds was to be a journalist- that is never going to happen for me now.

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Original poster
Theonlyexception · 04/04/2011 00:19

We're planning a visit back to our hometown but not until August. I feel like I would love to go for a few days without dh to visit my mum etc but in our current financial situation I can' t afford it.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 04/04/2011 00:21

You say you wanted to be a journo. Why will that not happen now? What can you do to make it happen?

Stac2011 · 04/04/2011 00:24

You do sound bored and lonely. As others have said could you come home for a bit? I think given what you have said about not being single since 14 could be making you feel you dont know you iyswim. Is it a home learning course? I did one with open uni and got really fed up with it as there is no interaction. Do you do anything outwith the base?

Original poster
Theonlyexception · 04/04/2011 00:25

It just seems really unattainable with having to follow dh around with his job. And I know that it can be competitive and poorly paid so I would feel guilty about not contributing towards the pot enough and helping us be financially comfortable. I love writing though :(

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Original poster
Theonlyexception · 04/04/2011 00:27

Yeh it's an OU course. I get so jealous of my friends who are at universties that you actually 'go' to! I often fantasise about coming home but don't know how I would practically do that.

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DioneTheDiabolist · 04/04/2011 00:33

It is not unattainable and so what if it is competitive and poorly paid. Money is not everything and what is it compared to fulfilment, achievement and personal satisfaction. You may not win the Pulitzer, big deal, you will get stories published in magazines and with your life of travel and military experience, perhaps in the broadsheets. You'll make money, maybe not much, but how much more will you make with an English degree.

Life attending campus (unless you are free and under 25) is not a bowl of cherries. Believe me, I'm at Uni now, I go, I learn, I go home. I have heard that OU is better for things like on-line study groups that I would love being a mum.

How is your social life on base?

Original poster
Theonlyexception · 04/04/2011 00:41

My social life isn?t great tbh. I posted a few days ago, upset because everyone on my street was going on a girls night out,and I wasn?t invited. I try to get involved and stuff but I get the feeling that people don?t like me. I miss my friends back home and I feel like I?m drifting apart from them because I can?t see them.

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Stac2011 · 04/04/2011 02:36

when i did ou i missed the interaction with others and the structure of lessons. It was hard not to let life side track you. I have 2 sons. I'm not saying its crap just didnt work for me.

Could you and dh try a joint effort like inviting other couples over to break the ice a bit? Or are there activities you could do with ds?

You were saying you feel as though you aren't making a financial contribution but surely if you qualify as a journalist your family will benefit so it would be worth trying.

springydaffs · 04/04/2011 03:01

I wonder if crushes (when an adult) are a sign that the emotional tank is running low iyswim. YOu do sound unhappy and unfulfilled OP and like you feel you're in the wrong life? The girls in your street all going out and not inviting you is crap and won't help you to feel you have a place where you are, a place in your life - that's a horrible feeling. I think you need to get home for a visit, by hook or by crook, to take stock because it sounds like you're pining away and feeling out of sync. Thank goodness you are doing a course you love, but would like to do the uni lifestyle - that isn't possible really though if you've got a LO. Writing is an option though - have you heard of The Writers Bureau? It's a correspondence course in journalism which is thorough and generally well-regarded. I know it's another correspondence course but getting your 'voice' heard by getting something published (not as difficult as it sounds btw, particularly if you start small, as the above course encourages you to) will help you to feel connected, not so isolated and out on your own. xx

RudeEnglishLady · 04/04/2011 09:22

I'm not sure if I have any good advice but PM me your location if you like - if you are reasonably local (we are south) we have some English groups here (kids, hobbies, etc.) I can send you some invites. Might cheer you up in the short-term? (We are not cliquey at all :) )

springydaffs · 04/04/2011 21:33

Been thinking about you today OP - hope you're ok.

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