Retarded ejaculation

[onequery]

Does anyone have any experience of this? I have a new partner. He is really wonderful but has low self esteem, has had drug problems in the past (ecstasy and cocaine, but is completely clean now), and is very shy. And there seems to have been an incidence of abuse when he was 15.

I think the world of him. He's clearly had a tough time and struggles with self-hatred but he is so kind and caring and funny; I'm smitten. I don't want to just find someone else, because he is incredible and I am falling in love with him. I've been on lots of dates this year and he is the only one I've clicked with and had chemistry with too. I think he's the one for me, basically.

The sex has been fantastic. Lots of it and he spends a lot of time trying to make it very nice for me. Which is apparently classic with someone with R.E. (as well as the low self-esteem).

He has come a couple of times; once when inside me, the other 2 or 3 times through masturbation. But otherwise he is hard for a very long time, can go for ages and ages and ages, but just does not ejaculate. I have asked him if I'm too wet, he says no. He says he's loving it and that it's the best sex he's had (a lot of things online say that if a man has R.E it's because secretly he doesn't fancy his partner at all! Which believe me feels rubbish.)

I'm scared, because a lot of relationships where the man has R.E seemingly fail. I feel like I'm not attractive enough or something. I don't want to have this problem when everything else is so very wonderful. The googling I've done says that just about nothing helps with R.E. Not sensate focus, not psychosexual therapy. Nothing. I'd rather this than impotence, for example. But I know my self-esteem is going to go downhill if we don't get this sorted. He has now gone away for a week, so I can't talk to him about it till after then, which isn't helping.

So has anyone had a partner with this and got over it?

My boyfriend had that, and he has got over it. It's workable - just both enjoy yourselves.

If he didn't find you attractive, he'd have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection at all so that's not the problem. If he masturbates often, get him to abstain for a week or so and see if that makes it any easier for him.

My ex had that. He was on ADs. Like you, I found it very difficult.

I had an ex that it only happened to when he drank beer, if he stuck to wine or soft drinks instead he was fine. Maybe he has some kind of food or drink trigger?

Has he ever seen the GP about it? If not he should mention it and see if theres anything new that can help

Otherwise I've no idea. It seems to be working for you so far, so why wouldn't it last? You know it isn't you, as someone else said he wouldn't get an erection in the first place.

Thank you. It's such a relief to know someone else has gotten over it. This article I read said that men with R.E (apologies that I had to use that awful R word in the title. So hideous) get used to forcing themselves to have erections. No idea how a man can do that though! And I don't believe my dp is.

I think he is on ADs and so I will talk to him about that and also ask him not to drink for a week or so. And also abstain from masturbating and see the GP if those things don't sort it out.

Just after I posted this I felt very wobbly and concerned that I wasn't attractive (I have a lot of issues about that anyway) but I have sat here and made myself remember every lovely thing he has said about how much he fancies me and finds me beautiful and will keep doing so until it kicks in properly. I think the abuse he went through must be a huge contributing factor. It takes trust to let go and have an orgasm. I certainly find that. So why shouldn't a man, when he's had bad experiences?

Has he had any counselling? I'm sure it isn't the right time for you to suggest it now, it being a fairly new relationship and all but if you do think it's related to abuse it sounds like he needs help with this underlying issue.

Having said that my ex was exactly the same, with the abuse and ejaculation but was unable to talk about it untill he had got in to a total state. it sounds really positiver that he is able to talk about it and like you said maybe it's just a case of letting go.

It's a common side effect with some ads so just a change of medication may be an easy solution. :)

Would it help if you used "delayed" rather than the r word (only because you apologised for using it?)

Anti-d's could definitely be the problem. It's a well known side effect of many of them.

One of my boyfriends had this. He was quite inexperienced and I think he was very worried about his performance. He did get over it, when we got more secure in the relationship (about 6 months in). How long have you been together?

Can I just point out, the true meaning of the word retarded in this instance is "Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed", so you have no need to apologise for using it. :)

My DP had that when we first started seeing each other. It really effected my self esteem too so I know how you feel.

He had self esteem issues which I think was a factor for him, but as we got more comfortable with each other and as his self esteem increased it got better. We talked about it alot and at first I was really upset. To be honest I think this probably made things worse as it made it an issue, iyswim. Eventually I told him that it wasn't an issue, that I loved him & loved having sex with him, and as long as he felt the same it was a pointless thing to worry about & we should just have fun w/o having his ejaculation as a goal in our minds. I think this really helped as it put alot less focus on it and made him feel less stressed/nervous/vulnerable. I think that worrying about it was a real problem for him, once we both stopped worrying about it and just enjoyed sex for what it was everything started to sort itself out. I would say it took a few months but we're still together 5 years later!

Good luck & have fun

We've been together one month, so still early days.
And he isn't massively experienced (or thinks he isn't compared to other men) so I'm sure that's putting the pressure on. One time he came, in his view far too quickly, when actually it was the perfect time, and he was mortified. i'm trying to keep telling him he's fine and i think he's great and that whatever happens happens. There might be an element of him holding himself back since then.
Having read all your posts I feel so much better. Much more reassured. I think we're going to get there, I will just be really careful not to put any pressure on him.

Thank you!