Happy Mother's Day? (Long rant - sorry!)

[textualhealing]

Firstly, happy mother's day to all with children.

Now for my little rant. My elderly mother lives with me and my two daughers are grown up and live in their own homes. My eldest daughter made arrangements to make a lovely day for us. Over to hers for brunch, walk in the countryside and then back to mine for a good, old fashioned high tea. She did this in conjunction with my youngest daughter to share cost and work required to provide this day, lots of home baking for the high tea etc. My youngest daughter decided not to contribute practically and DD1 was left with a lot of work to do. I went over to help her as I know she wanted everything to be perfect. DD2 has created an atmosphere which has lasted all day.

Then, my mother objected to my oldest and dearest friend coming for the walk and then she also made an atmosphere. (My friend has just lost her husband and her only daughter went to see her MIL rather than spending the day with her!) I don't know whether my friend picked up on this but my DD1 one did and as I kissed her goodbye and thanked her for a wonderful day, she said to me, "Mum, I don't think I like our family very much." She was clearly upset and disappointed that her attempts at creating a lovely day had been tainted by her sister's jealousy and her granny's jealousy. That's what it felt like to both us. Anyone else have these tedious problems ruining what should be happy ocassions? I feel so bad about my mother today, that I wish she would go and live in sheltered accommodation because we have had an awful few weeks and I can't see it getting any better. She's always been difficult, argued her way through her marriage and our childhoods and had really no relationship with my late sister. I thought she had mellowed but living with her for 18 months is taking it's toll and I am very unhappy with this unsatisfactory living arrangement. I'm starting not to like her and actually, it's just reminding me that she wasn't a very pleasant person before. I feel guilty saying this but there - it's out now! Sorry for the long moan.

U r well within ur rights to feel crap and maybe sheceould be happier in sheltered housing as she would be with like minded moany people!

People who suck the joy out of happy times really drive me mad!! We've had a year of abuse from my MIL so DH decided to have nothing to do with her for mothers day but he and my DD's organised a lovely day for us. Part way through the afternoon shes banging on the door screaming about her rights on mothers day blar blar blar. (she did the same at DD1's birthday, DD2 birth and christening and on christmas day)

I hope you and your DD1 can continue to 'try' and enjoy happy times eventhough others do their best to ruin them.

Freddy - that is so true - "suck the joy out of happy times"! I'm sorry that you had that today. Mine is minor compared to that.

anything that ruins a happy time isn't minor!

We've got to the point where we know it's coming and joke about what time of day it will happen x

I believe - I must take issue with you on your comment that if the OP's mother went into sheltered accommodation, she would be with "like minded moany people" - This is not necessarily the case at all, and is very offensive to speak of older people in this way. My aunt was in sheltered accdt and in no way was she moany - she would laugh at anything and always cared about others. My friend's mother is in one and I visit her every week with my friend and again she is lovely, smiley and making light of her aches and pains, and asking us about how we are.

Ageing is something that is going to happen to us all sooner or later and I think you should be a little more sensitive and not stereotype older people as moany. Some of them are, but there are moany people right through the age range.

OP - I actually don't think that 2 generations living in one house is a good idea. There is bound to be resentment. Maybe you could try to get your mom into sheltered accdt or a care home. Sorry you are having such a tough time.

OP- I think these occasions- bi t like Xmas- are often disappointing.
Big expectations.
Can you talk to your mum- is she able to understand how you felt about her jealousy?

This has obviously brought matters to a heaad. Sometimes 2 generations can work- it does in other cultures.

I amsure your DD1 is very disappointed.

Can you use this experience to initiate a chat with your mum about her future?
Without knowing her health etc it is hard to advise- but if she is able to look after herself then sheltered care might be the asnwer.

Did she come to live with you as an interim measure- or for good?

What are her views- does she want to live with you- and was this all discussed with your DH/DP in advance?

poor dd1, though it is up to dd2 whether she wants to help or not, but a shame if she also sours the atmosphere, or backs out at the last minute. celebrate the lovliness and sensitivity of dd1.

If you aren't happy living with your mum and she's able enough for sheltered accomodation then I think you should discuss this with her and tell her the 2 of you living together isn't working and ask her how she sees the alternatives.
I think mothers day often doesn't work well. There are too many generations of mothers in many families, all expecting someone else to make it a special day. Birthdays are much easier as there's only 1 person to fuss over.

Can I just say, your eldest daughter sounds like a lovely, generous and very thoughtful daughter. :)

Mothers, especially elderly ones are notoriously cranky and hard work, I certainly know my own could be at times, and also far too outspoken and at great at making her misplaced displeasure well known to all.

Your youngest daughter and her sister sound as though they squabbled over it and that is sibling rivalry which doesnt always go away when they leave home.. they will get over it.

I hope you still enjoyed the day though, and it was also very thoughtful of you to invite your friend, whose own daughter sounds a selfish mare.