I want DH to leave and let me build my life again.(long post, sorry)

[Confusedandheartbroken]

How do I deal with this?

October 1999 DH started and affair.
In June 2002 it all came to a head and he finally admitted to his affair. It ended.

We did the "Relate" sessions but I made all the right noises and wasnt really truthful with myself. I did what I thought everyone else expected me to do for the sake of my family.

I love him and want us to be OK. We have two Ds's and I want us to be together, but I cant forget what he has done to us as a family.
His total lack of respect for us has shattered my life.

I was so confident, so happy, so contented but now my life is in tatters because of what he has done.

Im trying so hard to make us right. He is bending over backwards to make me hapy but its just not enough. Nothing he does or says takes the pain away. I hate myself for not being strong enough to forgive and forget.

Im resenting our Ds's because it is because of them and their need to have a stable family life that I didnt end our relationship.

Dh has listened to how I feel about the things he did and all he says is that he cant change the past but he can make the future a brighter and happier place for us if I let him.

I have tried so hard since June 2002 to forget what he did and to try and move on but the feelings I have will not go away and I am finding my self sinking deeper and deeper in to a world full of bitterness. My life with him feels so tarnished. All my happy memeories are tainted with memories of his affair.

Ive told Dh that I cant carry on pretending that I am happy when I am not. I want to move on with my life and the only way I feel I can do this is if we part.

He refuses to leave our home. How can I make him leave so that I can carry on and rebuild my life?

I love him so much and its breaking my heart to think that we are going to end 17 years of life together but I just can not forgive him for all the pain and hurt he has caused me.

He has made me feel worthless and I long to go back to being the person I was pre October 1999.
I cant bear to think that my Ds's are going to hate me for seperating the family and DH says its now my fault that we are going to ruin the family life we now have.

He really is tring so very hard to be the perfect father and husband. He has changed so much and all my RL friends say how lucky I am to have the partner I have. I know we are his world now and he is so upset by all of this and deeply regrets his actions.

Dh told me this morning that he has spoken to a solicitor because he felt that I was going to start talking about us seperating.He is so worried that we are going to loose everything we have built together and doesnt want to watch it all disappear because of his moment of madness.

I just want to be happy again and I cant be if I stay with him.

Im going to talk to a solicitor tomorrow and find out how I can get DH to leave the house. I can not move on if he remains here.

Im so sad and cant stop feeling like I am letting
everyone down by not being a stronger and more forgiving person.

How do I deal with this situation?
Am I being selfish for wanting to be happy?
Would going back to Relate help?
Im going round and round in circles in my head. I dont want to be a part time mum with my DS's spending half their time with me and the rest with their Dad.

Im so confused

Your feelings are your feelings and I am sure you are not alone in finding it extremely difficult/impossible to forgive your husband.
But if you do split up you will have to allow your children to spend time with their father, probably alternate weekends and half the holidays.
Why not go back to Relate. Even if you don't stay together, it may help you split up more amicably.

Message withdrawn

You sound as if you have done everything in a reasonable manner and have behaved reasonably throughout.
But have you really went crazy at him yet and let out all the anger and hurt, if you havent then could it be that you feel that you should just put up and shut up and this is what is making you so angry and frustrated.
I could be way off the mark here, but if i'm not then let him have it girl !

Ive done the shouting and screaming and it still doesnt sink in to his head that the way I feel will not just disappear over night.

Dh is a great one for sitting very quietly and not bringing up the subject. No matter how sad and unhappy I am he just wont discuss things unless I start the conversation. Its almost as if he believes that by not talking about it, it will go away.
I would never stop Dh from seeing the children. He adores them and they him. He is an excellent Dad to them and I am so scared that they will hate me for sending him away. Since I learnt of his affair he has become so much more closer to the DS's and cherishes every moment he spends with them. Im sure they favour him more than me because just lately I have become a nagging old witch because I am so unhappy.

Ive done nothing wrong and yet im going to be the baddie in all of this horrible situation. I can hardly tell the Ds's that the reason mum doesnt want dad around is because he has been playing away for half of their lives can I.

Ive talked with my mum today and she thinks I should pack a few things together and go and stay at hers for awhile, but why should I upset my childrens routine by going away. Ive done nothing wrong and as my mum doesnt really approve of my Dh I know I'll be getting the "I told you so" routine from her.

I really do think Dh and I need some time apart to think things through. I need some space as I feel he is suffocating me. Each time I look at him all I think about is the hurt and pain he has and still is causing me.

I'll phone the solicitors tomorrow just to find out where I stand legally with the house etc. I want him to move out for a while, which he is refusing to do. "Why should I be seperated from the children when I have been trying so hard to make things right". "You are the one with the problem so you should be the one that goes".
Somehow I dont think we will end this very prettily as he is determined to ruin my life if I dare to take the children away from him.

Im going to try and see the GP tomorrow and ask for an appointment with the local councillor. I need to get my head cleared and need to move on. This has just gone on for too long and its making me ill.

I know things are bad because I am starting to think of other ways I could end this mess and thats not healthy
I feel such a bloody failure and never thought my life would come to this. I feel so isolated and so very alone. I wish I could turn back time and be the person I was before this all happened. I liked the person I was then but now when I look in the mirror all I see is a very sad and unhappy person looking back at me.

I cant get back to the comp tonight so I'll say thank you to those who took the time to post earlier.
Your comments have helped me. Thank you.

See, this is why I personally believe that when someone cheats, they cheat on their entire family, not just their partner. B/c cheating can split up families.

No, you are not selfish. People say you're 'lucky'? Lucky to have someone who betrayed you and lied to you for THREE YEARS?! WTF is that?

Yes, you should go to see a counsellor. For YOU, as ggg suggested.

Aloha is right, you can't change how you feel any more than he can change what he did. But he's wrong to dismiss it as a moment of madness if it went on for 3 years.

I think separation might do you the world of good. Seeing a solicitor is no bad thing.

As for the kids, hon, they cotton on REALLY quickly when Mum and Dad are only together b/c of them - it makes them feel unhappy and liek it's their fault you're unhappy.

That's no good for anyone.

As for him turning and twisting things round so that YOU are the baddie, well he's gott a hella cheek to do that after he LIED for 3 years to you.

NO WAY I'd move out and let him sit there and be the good guy after he LIED for 3 years.

Candbh
I am so sorry you are still feeling this pain- yet I can totally understandit (having beeen through the same my self)I want to ask, when you did relate was it as a couple? I suspect it was- because I feel- from experience that as the injured party ( and we had been together some 20 years- 15 married, have 3 children and it came out of the blue)you need some counselling just for YOU.
You talk of the love you have for dh and how he is trying so hard to make things right so I feel there is so much there to give up on when you've come this far. What he did was unforgivable- yes it's ok never to forgive him (something I learned in my own counselling)but you do have to find a way to come to terms with what happened and make some peace with it- otherwise - as you're experiencing it eats away at you.
We are coming upto 2 years down the line and still I need to talk about it. However I feel we have come through as a couple stronger and closer. I think it sounds as if there were lote of issues you tucked away and didn't tackle when you should have done. The trouble is they don't go away they creep out in all sorts of situations and you end up feeling bitter and lost.
I totally understand your overwhelming saddness at whats happened but honey it is never too late to tackle the problems especially now if you feel your dh is on board with your relationship. Did you ever truely get to the bottom of why the affair happened? Did you ask him all the questions you wanted to? You must if you want to move on.
In your current frame of mind I ask you not to make major decisions- please get some counselling just for you- there are probably other issues from your past that are stopping you coming to terms with this awful time in your life. A good man is hard to find-I believe I have a good one and he went wrong- very wrong for a time. It seems to happen a lot especially to men of a certain age, he "got lost" but he slowly found his way back and together we tackled it and still are tackling it. Don't give up if you had a good relationship before- you can build on that you just need help to find peace of mind and it sounds that if your honest about your feelings your dh will be there for you- after all he caused it all!
Keep talking honey- I can hear so many parrallels with my own situation not so long ago- and you can get through it.

You sound so sad. Don't assume your kids will resent you. They may be glad if you are happier. But counselling may help you discover how much of your unhappiness is directly due to your husband (who has behaved appallingly btw) and maybe uncover other factors too.
How about a holiday just for you? Even a weekend away? You sound as if you badly need a break.

It sounds like you really need him to be as far away as possible from you just now. Good luck, I hope you can get him out the house xx

I agree with Maturer don't make any major decisions until you have had some counselling just for you. It sounds like you have so many issues that you havent dealt with and it would be a shame to give up on what could be a good relationship once you have dealt with the issues that are there.

I'm not saying this is your fault in any way, he has done and acted in a way that i dont think we will ever get our heads round, and three years is a long time to be lied to but they leave our heads and our hearts in one big mess and if we dont sort that out we will never get there whether that be with you dh or in a new relationship.

Good luck

I agree with Maturer don't make any major decisions until you have had some counselling just for you. It sounds like you have so many issues that you havent dealt with and it would be a shame to give up on what could be a good relationship once you have dealt with the issues that are there.

I'm not saying this is your fault in any way, he has done and acted in a way that i dont think we will ever get our heads round, and three years is a long time to be lied to but they leave our heads and our hearts in one big mess and if we dont sort that out we will never get there whether that be with you dh or in a new relationship.

Good luck

Thank you for your replies.

Dh and I had a very long talk last night. I explained to him about how I am feeling and about the never ending pain that I have in my heart. He sat and listened. He cried, I cried and then we both cried some more
He is so unhappy seeing me so distressed and knows that he is the cause of all my grief. I told him that I feel like all my memories are tarnished now by his affair. When I think of my Lo's 3rd Birthday all I remember is that he had started to sleep with someone else the week before. When I remember our second honey moon and all the wonderful things we said and to one another, all I think about is that he was cheating on me. Everything feels so dirty and meaningless now.
I asked Dh so many questions about the things that happened during his affair. I asked him about his feelings whilst he was seeing her and he cried so much. He knew that the first time he slept with her he was making the biggest mistake of his life but he was scared that I would find out. He said he wished he was a bigger man and that he had told me straight away. He kept going back to her because he feared that she would tell me.

She did tell me that she would threaten him to make him go back to her, but I can?t understand how a grown man can be manipulated so much into doing something he didn?t want to do and that?s what I have the biggest problem with.

Dh has pleaded with me to get some counseling. He wants to come with me too and said he will do what ever it takes to keep us all together. He said I can bash him everyday with insults but it wont make him feel any different about me, he loves me and wants to grow old and grey with me. He said he understands that he should never expect me to forgive him for what he has done.

He hurt me so much when he said that he didn?t really know how much he loved me and needed me in his life, until he got to the point where he knew he was going to loose me. WTF is that all about?? What about all the years we were together before his affair?? He said he was in love with me but didn?t realise just how much until he started his affair.

I understand why the affair started and part of me accepts that it was at a time in our lives where we both were deeply upset about the loss of a loved one, but I didn?t go jumping into bed with someone else. I tried my hardest to support my Dh and family whilst dealing with my own grief.

My Dh is a wonderful father. He is a gentle and caring man who has a very sensitive side to his personality. He is a good friend and always ready to lend a hand. He does far more around the house than any man I know and that is why my friends all think I am lucky to have such a wonderful partner. None of them know about his affair.

My heart is breaking because I love him so much and just don?t know how to deal with my feelings. I want us to be together forever but I hate what he has done and I hate the constant pain I have. I hate the way he has made me feel about myself. I feel lost and so alone. I watch him with our Lo's and instead of thinking how wonderful it is that they are all happy and smiling, I think you b@st@rd you have thrown it all away.

I?m off to see the GP later on this morning to ask about some counseling. I am dreading going because the GP is a personal friend of ours. It?s going to be so hard to sit and tell him about my feelings. I feel so embarrassed because I am the one everyone else turns to when the sh!t hit the fan.

Thank you for letting me off load here. I just can?t bring myself to talk to anyone about this. I feel so ashamed.

Good luck CaHb.

I hope it works out the way you want it too, i really do.

x

You have no reason to feel ashamed.
as for your gp when you are in that surgery you are a patient not a friend so they will respect your confidentiality.
Affairs happen to a lot of people- it's so hard to understand and the more i learn about it the more I realise that most happen at atime when something huge has happened in our lives. This is not always connected to our relationship (my dh affair was all to do with self esteem /redundancy work issues). You can if you want to continue with your marriage- get over this. However it is such a truama you must get help- the emotions overwhelm you and so easily become bitter. Counselling can yeach you ways to face the tarnished memories and push them away, look forward not back all the time. But to look forward you have to deal with the past first. Your dh sounds as though he is truely sorry and wants to do all to put it right.
My dh said something along the same lines- it took crisis point to make him realsie how much he needed me and the family- he'd got caught up in this other unreal world of the affair- for that's what they are fantasy- escapism and that's why they seldom last because they can't survive the real world.
your relationship can- don't give up just yet. I strongly feel you need him not to be with you for some of the sessions- maybe start alone and when you've got your head around some of your emotions do some more sessions together.
Feel free to talk to us if you want- there are lots of us who DO KNOW how you feel.

C&bh really hope GP can help out with counselling but with us waiting list is horendous, it may be worth seeking out a counsellor off your own back, yes it will cost, but if it can help you deal with all the emotions and confusion you are feeling it will be worth it. Keep talking to us that have been there. Your dh sounds like he will do everything that he can to make this work which is a starting point at least.

Thinking of you.

CABH
not a lot I can add - just wanted to agree with Maturer that there are a lot of us in the same situation
dont be afraid to talk to your GP even though you have a personal friendship - it wont matter to him/her and perahsp you need someone to give you support other than trying to deal with it quietly
I was drawn to this thread cos although my situation is more recent (and his affair last 6 mths most) I too am wondering whether I can get over it, even though I love my DH with all my heart....
hope it goes OK with GP
come back later if you need a chat

mrsmiggins did you get my CAT (sorry hijack over)

I received an email today but I CAT first so maybe / maybe not.

if it is u, I will email you from work tomorrow.
if you dont receive anything, take it I didnt receive your CAT

am going off line now (going to watch the TV programme about 30 yr old man and 70 yr old woman)

p.s CABH, like I said, there are plenty of us here who uinderstand

xxx

Cahb,your posts are so eloquent and descriptive. It seems that your dh really is sorry,although the bit about going back to her because he was scared she would tell you is frankly pathetic.

It would be more honest for him to simply he was weak and the sex turned his head.

I hope you get some counselling soon. It will do you the world of good, b/c, even if you come to the decision that you cannot be together w/your husband, it'll be w/your mind, heart and spirit in the right place.

If your DH is willing to do anything, then that should include giving you the space you need - mentally and physically - to deal w/your feelings regarding his actions.

CandHB,
How's it going- with MrsM's thread have been thinking about you and your situation? Hope you are alright?Take care.