Just realised I feel really lonely..

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

Have been a lone parent for a couple of years now, XH worked abroad before the split so sadly little changed when we did separate and I've always been used to dealing with the dc's on my own. I live in an isolated area, which is relatively new to me, a long way from family and my oldest friends. I've always made friends easily in the past, through work and hobbies and love having a big social circle but I'm finding it much harder now, and while the dc's are both at school, the days can stretch. For whatever reason, the school mums are friendly but don't tend to socialise together, other than in small cliques. I have tried to initiate big meet ups, and seem to get on with everyone, but realised I'm doing all the running and have decided to step back a bit for fear of appearing a bit desperate! A couple of my closest friends have just told me that they're about to move out of the area, and I'm gutted about this. I'll really miss them.

I'd love to return to work as I miss the adult contact, but I'm pretty unemployable due to having such limited childcare options - jobs are scarce where I live, and the wages wouldn't cover the childcare I'd need to hold down a full time job. I'm also very conscious that I provide the stability for the dc's at the moment, one has SN and I feel they'd suffer by me not being there for them as much as I can be. My XH has now moved a long way away and sees the dc's at weekends only. Fortunately my settlement allows me not to have to rush back to work, and I do appreciate I'm lucky in that way. I'm considering voluntary work, but still don't know if I could be reliable enough and would hate to let people down.

I do have a lovely DP, we don't live together but usually spend 2-3 nights a week together. He has a demanding job and sporting interests which take up a lot of his time, including all of this weekend. I don't want to be a controlling partner, and don't resent him having his own space or hobbies at all, but I just really miss having company, especially at weekends when friends are all involved with their families.

Moving could be an answer but financially it would cripple us and DP's job isn't easily transferrable, at least not quickly. He's lovely, and I want to give us a chance. Sorry to moan, and thanks to anyone who got this far! Just a bit fed up and exhausted from days on end of dealing with the dc's on my own! I know how I'd love my life to be, but I just can't seem to get there.

Feeling lonely really sucks :(

Volunteering is a good idea as you can usually name the hours you can do and it is generally very flexible. You should be able to get something that fits with school times and while it is a shame if you have to cancel due to kids being ill etc they will understand, so you don't need to worry about that.

Another thing you could do is talk to a local nursing home about organising some events for the residents - you would have control over this and it is a lovely way to meet really interesting older people.

Lonliness is a terrible thing, I can really empathise as I have felt desperately lonely at several points in my life.

Something that really jumps out at me in your post is the fact that despite having a partner you spend all your weekend alone. That to me sounds like a recipe for lonliness for even the most independent of us! You say your dp has a job and hobbies that 'Take up all his weekend'. Surely your dp should be willing to forgo some of these hobbies to ensure that he is spending at least part of his weekend in your company? You say you don't want to be a 'Controlling' partner but imo wanting to spend weekends with your dp does not make you 'controlling'. It makes you a normal human being who wants a normal, fullfilled relationship. I think you are fully and totally within your rights to want to spend at least part of the weekend with your dp, it's what couples do! Have you spoken to him about this? I really don't think it is an accaptable situation to have a dp but yet still be spending all your weekends alone! Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just looking at your problem from my own perspective and if that was my DP I would not be happy at all!

Aside from your DP I think Writerofdreams advice re volunteering is excellent. I have done this myself in the past and really enjoyed it. The great thing about it is that you can find something that you are really interested in. I did work with a mental health charity for over a year and found it really rewarding.
Do you have any hobbies/interests that you could persue? You don't mention any and I really do think it is important to have at least one hobby. Even if it's just so when people are annoying you or you are feeling a bit down you can go 'Bugger this I'm going off to do xyz' and just do it.

Hope you are feeling a bit more positive today, you sound like a very strong, pro active lady and I'm sure with a bit of work you will be able to turn how you are feeling around.

Thanks so much for your replies, I'm feeling a bit better today. It turns out another friend had a rotten day yesterday, and like me, assumed that everyone was up to family things. We could have got together!

I do have hobbies and interests so these take up some of my time. I have met lots of lovely people, but they're all more acquaintances than real friends, and I think I'm yearning for that deep connection you get with a real group of close friends.

It's unusual for Dp's hobby to take the whole weekend. He is very good at trying to make time for me, and I think it doesn't help that we don't live together. I don't want to rush into that, but I do find it all really disjointed at the moment.

If I were you, I'd focus on making my own life better and not take my DP into account. If he can't find room at weekends for you, why on earth should you be trying to find room in your whole future for him?? Do what's best for you!

Why would it cripple you financially to move house? If you're moving from (say) countryside to city then yes, property will be pricier but your chances of finding work will increase too, which should help.

How long have you been with this DP?