Suitable place for contact?

[timehealsall]

Hello - confession, I'm a man, but would like to get some opinions from Mum's to try and understand ex's attitude a little better.

The issue is this - at the moment I live in a 2 bedroom flat and have contact with DS 5 and a half days (5 nights) a fortnight - very lucky to benefit from flexible working. Unfortunately as time has gone on, prices increased, etc living costs for this flat have become unsustainable and I'm getting into debt - when we split we didn't have a lot to share from equity of home or savings when we split.

I've found a solution to this. Some good friends (a responsible married couple) have offered to rent me 2 rooms in their newly bought nice house close by - nice bathroom, nice kitchen, nice garden, quite big to have 2 spare rooms in first place! 1 room would be for DS and the other I'd make into a lounge for both of us, where I'd sleep when he's in residence. And we've worked together to talk about how it will work / define boundaries, etc. Plus much of my contact time is spent at parents or visiting other families who are friends.

My ex doesn't like this solution - partly I think because the married friends in question were never her favourite of my friends - but honestly they have good jobs, are really nice people, don't drink to excess / do drugs, etc, etc.

To flesh this out a bit my ex earns more than me, lives in nice 3 bedroom place with new partner (turned up from her work after 2 months, and I'm not allowed to meet him, did ask, don't need to though). She generally seems to have moved on quickly and effectively since we split 2 years ago - good for her, she had reasons to end the marriage and I'm actually pretty happy she has moved on so well.

She refuses to let me have shared care - possible because of my flexible work and they were very supportive - gave up on that at court stage due to realising how damaging fighting over contact was becoming for our relaitionship in terms of DS, upsetting for me, but sometimes it's about the longer term picture.

So my feelings are that I really don't begrudge her the nice house / partner / being primary carer / paying money to her for DS as long as I can take advantage of opportunities to move on as well.

Can anyone shed more light for me on why my ex might have these objections to my planned move - I haven't really had any explanation other than "I don't think it will be good for DS" and have asked if pos for ex to enlarge on what her concerns are but she won't enlarge. And that's really frustrating because if I don't know what it is she objects to I can't see if those concerns can be tackled.

YOu actually just need to tell her you have no other option as cannot sustain your flat.

Ask her for advice on what she propose you do which would fall within your financial remit.

Be honest. Tell her it is the only option and by and large it's a good one.

i think she may object due to housing being shared. no door of your own to lock behind you etc. worries about friends of your friends roaming around maybe?

other than that,she's maybe miffed you are moving on and doing well without her......who knows.

stand your ground. are you going to court? you can still have 50/50 residency even if you only have ds a few days a month

When I was at uni me and three friends lodged with a divorcee.

The divorcee had a lovely big house in a nice area, and rather than sell to fund divorce let out four rooms for students, with separate lounge. We shared the kitchen.

He had the largest ensuite bedroom and his own lounge. I think his two children had a bunk bed in his bedroom.

Although an unusual set-up I think he only did it for two years, whilst he got back on his feet, and was always picky over the students he had. It worked for him, and his children were lovely and very well-behaved.

I recall they used to go away most weekends, and were members of Youth Hostel Association.

just trying to think from her point of view

is she usually difficult?

I personally do not see the issue

Thanks guys, helpful comments so really appreciative.

Fabby - I have bought this up with her before my financial position and general attitude seems to be "don't care, not my responsibility, don't want to get into it". Suspect the final outcome of that would be "if you can't afford a place I think is suitable for contact you shouldn't have that contact". However fortunately I'm being advised that once patterns of contact are established there has to be a very good reason to remove contact time from one or other parent. Also work at local authority so have knowledge from CAFCASS there as to what "good reason" entails and it doesn't appear to mean living in a nice house with nice people!

Tiffany - That is a good point about friends of friends, etc. That wouldn't happen, but I suspect ex is picturing all kinds of possible scenarios - which is why I'm looking for advice - so I can pre-empt by explaining why there are no concerns.

As for court I did take her there a few months ago - long story short I could be with DS on Tuesday daytimes when she's at work (i.e. he'd miss a day at nursery, not time with her) and ex didn't want this. In court app did put in for Tuesday night as well to mean properly 50 / 50, but that was always flexible and that was made clear.

It was all adversarial (she brought along a barrister) - main argument appeared to be this would mean me actually spending more face time with DS than she does at this stage and I was only doing that to control her - offered and did sign off school age as her residence being primary to try and provide leverage, didn't work.

Mixed up in that was also some stuff about money (she was worried about losing out on payment from me if I had extra night) and concerns about me as a parent (though that was pretty lame given I'd already been doing 5 nights a fortnight for almost 2 years and do a blog with lots of photos about all the good stuff me and DS do).

The CAFCASS Officer and Judge were both brilliant and if I'd pressed on to a second hearing I think I would have stood a decent chance. BUT this thought just kept flickering through my mind about what "winning" actually looked like and how damaging that might be in terms of our parenting relationship.

So I decided to go with ordering arrangements as they stand and started thinking "winning" actually meant:

1. Having got my ex to articulate her feelings so I actually knew what she was really thinking (again a lot of "I don't have to explain myself" from ex in pre Court discussions re: contact)

1. Having security of arrangements signed off - about a year ago ex did agree a pattern of contact that she then unilaterally changed by changing nursery arrangements back without discussing it with me first

1. Most importantly giving "us" the best chance of 5 years down the line having a relationship that means DS doesn't feel like he's being asked to choose sides but realises he has 2 loving parents

OK, that's all a bit holier than thou I know - but it does mean I really don't want to be going back to court now it's done if I can avoid it, or some of what I hope might be good work there could be undone!

Tiffany - well difficutly is often in the eye of the behodler.

BUT I think my ex has gone with a strategy of keeping communication to as little as possible unless it's over DS parenting or issues that SHE feels need discussion.

I think this is because during our marraige I was over controlling or she feels I was over controlling - or imho both - i.e. I don't think I was as over controlling as she now tells me, but I totally accept and believe I was over controlling too many times and have no problems with that meaning she'd had enough.

Anyway advice on dealing with over controlling people is keep contact to minimum.

But I guess the problem is that with a marriage with house / child there's loads to sort out and lots of that means issues that affect both parties - i.e. "if I pay ex money to help with providing for DS that removes money from my ability to provide for DS", the CSA says that her earning more makes no difference to that as it's not means tested, but clearly that has an effect on me so I have to now find alternative housing strategy!

So if one party says "well that's not a problem for me so I'm not going to find time to think about it / discuss it / compromise because your just trying to control me still" it can feel "difficult" to the other party (i.e. me)!!!

Helpifyoucan - Thanks that's a nice example, also have friends with a baby who do similar and rent out a room to a student. But it's good to have more examples. Ultimately think in next 10 years (unless they do something about housing prices, which they won't) we'll see more and more people in lots of different stages of life sharing housing to make ends meet!

Why doesn't your ex like these people?

Can you get a lock put on the door so only you/your DS can get access to these rooms?

that was only my take on it.....she may have different reasons

i'm sure a meeting with cafcass will set her straight tho

OK, update - ex has just text to say she is fine about the move now! Hooray!!!

Thanks loads to everyone for their help and for letting me waffle on (went a bit off piste I know, but everything does seem connected somehow).

In answer to final points:

1. Locks on doors are out - this couple are brilliant peoiple and they're just not needed.

1. Ex didin't really meet this couple very much, but on one occasion the husband came round to marital home to watch some football with me and scoffed down some crisps a little greedily - he did ask if it was ok as he was hungry but ex always seemed to have a problem with the way he ate so many crisps so quickly that night and he seemed damned forever more.

1. Tiffany - thanks for your take on it, was looking specifically for mother's takes on it as I do think sometimes mums and dads think in slightly separate ways so really grateful.

Onwards and upwards, time to plan the move - now where do you get cardboard boxes from these days...

Glad this has resolved itself without the need for legal routes being persued.

I'd join freecycle, offer some stuff on it and then ask for cardboard boxes