So this morning was just the last straw- lousy partner- advice needed!

[Floandno]

Bit of a long nag, sorry in advance.
Well this morning was a joy, getting up at 7 to make breakfast for DS, whilst my partner slept in for another hour and a half. Would it be too much to ask for to get a cup of tea in bed and for him to deal with the boy!? On mothers day? I must be mad! DS made me a lovely card at school, but was meant to write in it with daddy at home, but that never happened. He just completely forgot.
Don't get me wrong, i love my partner dearly and i know he loves me too, but recently he's become lazy and unreliable. He seems to see it that because he's at work full time, he doesn't have to do anything else AT ALL (except read Reddit all day).
He does nothing around the house. Perhaps the dishwasher once in a while. But i would say thats the extent of it. 'You only work part-time' he says. True i suppose, but only three days less than him.

He hates his job and rants about it all the time, he says he's looking for new work but in the past seven months , he's had one interview (this week acctually) for a job I found for him and i never see him looking. He's well qualified so i don't think it's that, so my only conclusion is he's not looking.
I know it's tough at the moment for everyone in that boat, but we've got our life on hold waiting for him to get something new and i don't think he appreciates that.
I ask him to do a few things at home and they just don't get done. For example, i asked him the other day to phone his parents to invite them over for lunch and to DS's birthday tea and to phone the vet while i'm at work. So when i got home, he'd phoned his parents, but only asked them about one thing, and hadn't phoned the vets. 'Ohhh, sorry, i forgot' he says.
He's doing it all the time. Forgetting to pay bills, getting presents for people's birthday (including DS's), arranging childcare or play dates for DS. If i don't do it, things just don't get done, i feel like his mother!
For his last birthday, I arranged a three day birthday treat for him and spent over £200. For my birthday this year he got me three DVDs. Nothing arranged by him. I had to arrange seeing our friends and family. I didn't want anything expensive, just special. He said he was going to get me a subscription for Audible.com, but he was just waiting for me to do it. I'm sorry, but i don't want to have to arrange my own birthday present.
He never arranges to do anything with DS at the weekends i feel like i have to talk him into playing with him.
Our relationship seems to be really one-sided, and having to constantly ask him to do the smallest things makes me feel like i'm being a selfish nag, like i'm asking too much from him. I've tried talking about it to him but nothing changes.
None of my close friends are married so can't really give advice, so mumsnet it is!

OH! and he pees on the toilet seat, a side issue i know, but still...

There are only really 2 types of men that are worth living with.

The first is a very nice rich man who'se partner doesn't have to work unless she wants too and who is happy to pay for any additional help required in the house.

The second is a very nice ordinary man who'se partner does have to work but who does half of all the unpaid domestic chores to compensate for his partner working.

The worst type of man for any woman to get lumbered with is a man who not only doesn't earn enough money for his partner not to work, but won't do his share of the unpaid domestic chores either. Better to be single and get tax credits than be stuck with someone like this.

What do you think the answer is?

Wow, NotSuch, you've just condensed the entire thing into four paragraphs... Think you should spin it out a bit and write a book. I've never actually thought about it in such stark terms befores but you're completely right.

Flo if your DH doesn't/won't pull his socks up, I suggest you stop doing things for him. He doesn't have to do things because you're picking up the slack. There is no consequence for him if he doesn't do his share...

the man sounds depressed..trip to the gps maybe needed

Sadly it took me 20 years to figure that out

NotSuch, you are so right! Thats all i want! I don't mind working, but i just wish he'd get his arse in gear! Belle, good advice. I've tried it before but i've never stuck it out for that long!

Doormat, i did think that too for a while, but he's generally a happy person, not low at all, i really do think it's just a case of he can't be bothered, might be something to keep an eye out for though.

yeh i think he may be putting up a false front....look out for it x

Think it's time you started chucking your toys out of the pram. He won't change until you start calling him on it. Why on earth didn't you give him a hefty kick this morning when your DS woke up? And tell him you'd love a cup of tea when he gets a moment, but not for a couple of hours, after your lie-in? If he's generally a happy person and not a grouch, just forgetful, then what's the issue? He clearly needs a prod.

i thought depression too, maybe stress from work is puting him down? Men tend not to be great at knowing what we want they prefer it to be spelt out. I have to tell dp what i want or it wont get done. The phrase he coins is 'i'm not a mind reader'. I hope you manage to sort it.

Why did you also find a job for him?. That's his task, not yours. Do not enable him like this; it only gives you a false sense of control and certainly does not help him.

You sound more like his mother than his partner; this relationship is all deeply skewed in his favour. Your man sounds both lazy and entitled; a position no doubt that started with his own mother. You are basically carrying on where she left off. There is no will or incentive on his part to change. Only you can change how you react to him and I think before long you will get completely fed up with this man of yours.

Quite apart from anything else what are you both teaching your son about relationships here?. What sort of role model exactly is this man to your son?.

DP or tax credits ... DP or tax credits ... DP or tax credits ... ?

Sorry but NotSuch's post made me laugh.

Hope you get things sorted OP. If you can communicate your feelings to him in a way that he hears, I think there's hope.

Yeah, I did make it sound like i was actively looking for him, but i was out in town and happened to walk past an advert for it. Ugh, i probably made the situation worse!
Very true, he's a smart kid, but i know i look back on how my parents were with each other and compare my relationship with that ( i think thats part of the problem, i had a very happy family life, and i expect it to be as good as that), so he probably will too. This is why i need things to change, not just for my sanity!
Stac, they do like it in black and white don't they!

NotSuch - fantastic answer and so true! Loved it. Wish I had listened to this advice before I got married! x

Well summed up Notsuch but slightly depressing that tax credits can replace a man so easily! Very true though.

A good friend of mine recently split from her husband. He earns about the national average. She works part time. She's actually financially a lot better off without him.

The only comment I'd add is that your summary assumes the woman is perfect. Actually I would guess that often the woman shares some of the responsibility. If she's finding jobs for him, doing all the chores without expecting him into doing some from day 1 then only moaning about them after the event, then its unsurprising he's gotten complacent.

Kitty10 - I wish I had figured it out before I got married too

Niceguy2 - It isn't depressing for women that tax credits can easily replace a man, it's just depressing for a man who doesn't earn enough for his wife not to work and refuses to do his share of the domestic chores.

Whats even more depressing is that if this government take away tax credits some women will have no choice but to put up with useless men.

I am going to embroider NotSuch's post into a lovely sampler and have it beautifully framed and give it to DD when she goes off to University.

While I am choosing the colours Notsuch could you please turn your mind to what I should say to DS about women worth marrying?

Thanks.

Don't know about what women are worth marrying, you'd have to ask a man that.

Surely the criteria are exactly the same? Male or female, fair partnership, or one person pays.