What can I do?

[whatamessneedhelp]

I am in a complete state and just don't know what to do. I have been so bloody stupid and possibly lost the only good thing that I had.

I am trying to make sense of why I acted the way I did but am not sure if I am just making excuses for my pathetic behaviour?

Every relationship I have had I have been so unreasonable and hard work that I eventually drive them away and it takes that to realise just how much I really did/do love them.

I met and married my now ExH through work and he needed a visa to come to the UK which if I am honest was the main reason I agreed to marriage. Due to a nagging doubt (not helped by 'friends' comments) about him only marrying me for the sodding visa I have acted appallingly. I told him to leave shortly after arriving here and instigated an Annulment which was granted. We then reconciled but I found out that he had begun a relationship shortly after he had moved out (3 days to be exact!) which only cast more doubts in my mind of his real motive.

We stayed together for the next 2 years but I was a complete bitch. I told him a fortnight ago to just go as I couldnt cope with what had happened in the past but now realise that is not what I want.

We have met and spoken but this time he says he has made his mind up and doesnt want to try again. Should I try and persuade him, explain how I feel, please someone tell me what to do as I am in despair. Have been sitting here for 3 hours just trying to write this. I just can't stop crying.....

From your post, it sounds as if you have problems forming and maintaining relationships and unless you get help for this, it's unlikely that trying again is going to work.

I honestly think that you need to get to the bottom of why you are so unreasonable although I suspect (from my own experience) that deep down you do not believe that anyone could or would love you or want to be with you so you test them constantly and, when they have had enough, you are then "right".

I know this won't be much fun to read or think about when you are really looking for advice about your specific relationship. Perhaps, if your partner agrees, you could try some therapy together?

I'm trying to think of books that could help you but can't off the top of my head.

FWIW, I used to be (and still can be) very like you.

I suspect that he has made up his mind about you. There is little point in trying to persuade him until you sort out your own problems to be honest. Until you can understand why you behave badly and push people away then you will continue to do the same thing. I am sorry that you are going through this, but think this might be a good opportunity for you to look after and mend yourself. A new chapter.

Ha Belle put it so much better than me.

Belle, That is exactly right........

I hate myself so how can I possibly expect anyone to even like me?

Why do you hate yourself whatamess? I think you are sending of signs without realising and that is attracting men who treat you badly.

Thats just the point he didnt treat me badly at all. It was me and my insecurities as Belle said.

I just want to somehow make it up to him but dont think he will give me another chance.

When I look back its been a recurring theme with men. The only thing I can pinpoint is that my Father left when I was quite young but I can remember feeling totally rejected and let down by him, whether this is an excuse or a reason I really do not know?

messy (you need a "hug" name and you're getting one whether you want one or not!), I think your father leaving and the subsequent rejection is almost certainly at the root of your problems. It is a reason and NOT an excuse. You probably developed some very particular coping strategies which may have served you well as a child but which are now not helping you at all.

This stuff can be painful to address. My heart goes out to you and I imagine you feel very lonely and isolated. I expect you also do a good line in "being strong" and independent which will keep you "safe" but also contributes further to feeling alone.

Honestly, I really do think that you would benefit from some therapy or at least reading more about the long term impact of childhood rejection.

Do you think it's worth explaining to your DH that you've realised what you've done but, more importantly, why you've done it and say that you'll be trying to get some help?

I don't think you have anything to lose by doing so.

Thank you everyone. I just feel so desperate and want to prove that I can and will change.

We met and spoke earlier. I cried and begged. He's given me a glimmer of hope but there is more that I cant say, even with a name change.

What else can I do?

are there dc involved here?

I don't think you can do more today. I really, truly think you should be thinking about yourself here. If you don't address the issues that cause your behaviour it will just keep happening. I know I sound like a broken record but I only learned this by bitter experience. Please, please look into getting some help for yourself or reading more about what you can do to help yourself. I'm not "recommending" this page particularly but it might give you some starting points. Just have a look around the internet and see if that starts any useful thinking for you.

A therapist might tell you that you don't need to do anything, you just need to "be" for a while.

I'd probably say that you might benefit from trying to slow your thoughts down; it sounds as if you are feeling panicky. Take a step back and try to calm your mind.

mess do u blame him....u have given him the bums rush all the time....he may think your words are empty...i agree with belle...i think a therapist is needed as you seem to have alot of issues.....you need to get yourself straight and thinking clearly before committing to anything....sorry if this seems harsh but the man is probably fed up with being hurt all the time...he has put a wall up and you are going to have one hell of a job breaking it down...

Thank you all for your advice and especially Belle for the much needed hug.
I have been given a last final chance and am determined to make things work this time. I have already attended one counselling session together with my partner and have another booked for next week.

For the first time ever I am addressing issues that stem back to my childhood and with time and courage and patience I am sure I will be strong enough to conquer any fears I have.