Any positive stories where your DH came back after leaving for the OW?

[100emotionsin1day]

Does it happen? How quickly did he realise his mistake and come back? How did you make it work and do you think it was the right thing to take him back?

I am 3 months on from discovering my H's affair - he left to move in with the OW just over a month ago. I'm not under any illusion that things are going to work out for us, and despite my name, I feel like I'm starting to come out the other side and cope with the idea of life without him.

But this question keeps niggling away at me; I'm aware it's probably because I'm still in denial and feel like this can't be over yet. And possibly because it's Saturday night and I just feel like indulging in a little 'what if?' instead of constantly trying to detach, move on, get past this...

Oh 100, I'm so sorry. It does happen. Have a look on this thread - lots of women trying to work on their marriages after an affair, at least one (countingto10) whose H came back after leaving for OW.

Lots of others will be along soon I'm sure to help and say but what do you want? Are you sure you want him back? What would be the conditions?

Hope you're ok.

I can only speak from my own very recent experience 100, but my H used his second affair as an exit strategy from our marriage and since then he veers from cold and businesslike to something which comes across as regret for his actions but which is actually a bit "poor me".

I think you'll get lots of helpful ideas and suggestions here. I'm too early in my own denial, hurt and confusion to be of much help to you right now, but you know your H better than anyone here does. I do know that what you're doing is entirely to be expected though, it's still very early days.

Happy to talk though if you want. Like you i'm a saturday nighter!

Hi sufficient - thanks for the link. I've been following quite a few threads since this all happened (especially yours, solost, dee...) but have been finding it difficult to keep track of each poster's back story, so will look at some of these. This topic has been a huge support to me and I've been trying to implement some of WWIFN's advice.

To answer your questions - I'm really not sure, I feel like I change my mind hourly. In fact, at times I find I'm contradicting myself all day long, hence the name! I do still love him, I stand by my marriage vows and feel like I wouldn't be able to resist taking him back. But obviously the longer things go on and the more I'm dealing with being on my own, the more I question whether my life could in fact be better without him in it. Certainly I feel that I couldn't consider any kind of reconciliation unless it was because he decided he'd made a mistake, and not just because it didn't work out with the OW.

I think my confusion stems from the fact that he still very much is part of my life right now (mainly as we have two DC under 7). Those that know him best have commented that they think he is trying to keep the door open as it were... He hasn't really put a foot wrong since the whole sorry tale came out into the open - other than the obvious fact that he's buggered off of course!

Thanks shaggy, have been following your thread too. How are things today?

Mine did. I wouldn't have him.

garlicbutter! Tell me more...

Hey 100. I think the contradictions you mention are really common when you have been living with someone who's actions are contradictory whilst they are being deceitful.

I don't think it's possible for your H to conduct an affair and not have exactly those contradictory ideas himself about the primary relationship - your marriage (unless he's a complete bastard of course!). Sorry if that sounds negative, and you should bear in mind that my H intended to leave all along, so his affair was a strategy and in the scheme of things probably isn't that important to his future.

But people do survive and have a better marriage after an affair providing as everyone here will tell you, that H takes complete responsibility for his actions and makes every effort to make amends, no matter what it takes.

You do, after all, have young children and your H is at least trying to do right by them, if not you at the moment. What I would say is try and keep in mind what you want and maybe identify what your bottom line is - once you can do that, don't let him cross it. It will only add to your confusion, I think.

I'm okish, thank you for asking, and I get a huge amount of comfort from MN and I hope you do too.

Hi 100,

No advice, just want to send you my support. Its so hard and very early days for you. My H once asked me the same question you have posed

I think for my H, he had to leave, if he had stayed I think he would have looked back at his affair and wondered 'what if?' for the rest of his life maybe, and I couldnt have lived with that.

Now (8 months on), I don't think about it (much!). There is not a lot of point. You do get used to being on your own and there are certainly some advantages. My H is also doing all the 'right things' and it does make it harder to move on. I am sure if we didnt have the DCs I would be much further on than I am.

Take care x

MN has indeed been a huge comfort shaggy - I'm lucky to have an amazing group of friends who have been there for me all the way through this, but none of them have experienced it themselves, so seeing how other MNers have been coping, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, has been invaluable.

It hadn't occurred to me that my contradictory feelings stem from DH's contradictory behaviour, but you're right. He absolutely is not a bastard (bloody idiot, yes) and in fact is not a liar either, which is why he gave himself away so easily . So I'm seeing him as two different men - the one I loved and trusted and the one who completely fucked up. And other than the first few days of absolute rage, grief and torment, we spent many nights talking through our relationship and have become much better at communicating with each other as a result and despite the terrible thing he's done. I'm not taking any blame for what's happened, and he takes full responsibility for the decisions he made (and is continuing to make) - but there were many faults on both sides that meant our relationship was vulnerable.

In a way this is what gives me some hope that things could work out between us - because we have been very honest with each other and because the past has been completely chewed over, I feel that there's still a lot of love and respect there that could carry us through to a much better future relationship. It's very frustrating (actually it's excruciating) not being able to put this to the test, so hard to have to put these feelings on the back burner and do my best to move on instead.

solost thanks for posting - I've been reading your threads and seeing many parallels in our situations. In fact, i read your first thread before I discovered DH's affair, when I was hoping there was nothing to discover and I was just being paranoid. If only...

I absolutely agree that my H also had to leave - he's described his feelings for the OW as an addiction, an obsession, something he couldn't keep out of his mind. So I knew that I would have to at least give him the chance to get it out of his system, or our relationship probably wouldn't have survived another month anyway.

It is difficult to move on when they're being decent human beings isn't it? DH often sees the DC in my home because I refuse to let them meet the OW until their relationship is one I'd consider to be long-term (DC only know that we have separated, not why). I generally keep out of the way but we do still talk and share, then off he trots home to her... I've been attempting a more aloof manner with him lately, which is actually working from my point of view, makes me think about him less. But it still hurts to see him, especially to see him leave. I don't want to give in, but I can see how things will be easier for me once the DC can go to his place, as the current situation feels too temporary. For just now though, it's working for the kids and I'm obviously hoping that it won't ever come to the point where I have to let them be involved with 'her'!

Anyway, that's my longwinded way of saying I understand where you're coming from! Keep strong!

I think you have to be honest with yourself about how you feel ie you'd like the nightmare to end, to have your man back, to go on as it was before; baulk at being forced to get used to a different, and totally unexpected, life. It's important to acknowledge all those feelings and not to pretend you don't feel them - they may wear off as time goes on - no-one has a crystal ball, you don't know how things will end up. Detaching imo is not pretending you don't care, trying to turn off your feelings - love doesn't just stop in its tracks (well, sometimes it does but there's usually a run up and it's often the final straw iyswim) - imo, detaching is focusing on the task in hand (survival) to get you through the shock and grief. The old adage 'day at a time' is a good one to follow imo - get through that day, each day, one at a time. It seems particularly cruel when people are faced with desertion that they are expected to sort out their feelings chip-chop - imo it doesn't work like that, it takes a while, grief is a long road. Desertion is intensely painful on so many levels as the rug is literally ripped out from under you, your future, your finances, your future, your self-esteem. imo it is natural to daydream that it could all be over and go back to how it was, to get your, and any dc's, future back (the one you planned and expected) - no different to grieving when someone has died, pretending that really they're still alive 'somewhere' - it is a way of coping, of coming to terms with the immense emotional and mental shock of what has been lost.

I know that isn't what you asked 100 but in the tremendous mental and emotional upheaval following the shock, the scrabble to retain some pride and dignity, the outrage etc etc (many etcs ) the 'detach' advice can be misconstrued. I think detach means to stop expecting the same as it was, the same emotional support/dialogue, as it is that in particular that is gone with the desertion (ironic that the one you would turn to in times of need is the one who did it to you ) - I don't think it means stop loving or longing for your mate. Because imo you can't do that, you aren't in control of that; it has a life of its own and will follow its own course.

Sorry if my post is irrelevant though!

Hi 100,

I would echo what others have posted on here about moving on for yourself, children and your sanity.....though completely get how that can be so much harder when your H is being nice etc. 'Fortunately' for me, mine has been the complete opposite to yours and solost's - he was a decent human being (or, so I believed) and he has turned into an absolute pig......Said some awful things to me (some I haven't mentioned on here) and has more or less blamed me from day 1 for his having an affair and rubbed my face in the fact that his OW is the love of his life, how he was so unhappy before and how he is so happy now (even going as far as telling me that a work colleague had mentioned how he looked happier back in Jan once he had ditched me/us. Bloody idiot. Sorry, mini-rant over!). i think WWIFN mentioned that my type of ex is easier to get over as they soon reveal their true colours and it is possible to look back and actually see how there were elements of their current behaviour in the past (before I did this exercise, would have sworn blind that ex was a lovely, nice, charming guy before this affair/OW turned his head....but now, I can actually see quite clearly where he has displayed less exaggerated characteristics of his behaviour now).

I have to admit, I did have similar thoughts to you in the beginning and only really gave these up late Feb/beginning of March. For me, it was the passing of certain gates/checkpoints on the continuing journey. So, he moved out - he could have stopped it, OW visited him in Feb - he could have stopped it, he visited OW in Mar - he could have stopped it, house is on the market - he could have stopped it, I am now working full-time and DS is in nursery full-time - he could have stopped it, OW is now here for 2.5 weeks - he could have stopped it and so on and so on. Ultimately, the cheating partner is the one that makes the choices (for their own benefit). My counsellor asked me what ex had been actually 'doing' or demonstrating whilst he was sending me texts (last one was back in mid-March, about 2 weeks ago!) saying that he wished he could 'redo everything' and telling me face to face that he was questioning his choices/decision every day.....of course, the answer is not very much as his actions are still firmly in his own self-interest and pursuing life with OW.......

I know its hard - and I am going through my own ups and downs - but maybe, if you focus on a life without him and how this could be better, then if he did come back in x months/years time you could make an honest judgement. I wish you luck and love. I would only want my ex to come crawling back so I could give him a good kicking and tell him where to go!

x

Sorry - meant cheating partner makes the choices whilst in the affair/pre-reveal/discovery mode! Hopefully, we can start to take back some power and control and make our own choices and reject the forgone conclusions some of these stupid men seem to assume for us.......

Second mini-rant over!

Not irrelevant at all springydaffs . I wish I could just turn off the feelings, in fact have told DH I wish I could find it in me to hate him. So it's interesting to see a different definition of detaching, and one that I'm probably achieving some success at!

What is your story, how far down the line are you? I'm trying to focus on the one day at at time thing; but after the initial few weeks of living on stress and adrenaline, I suddenly found that not knowing how long I'm going to feel like this, or indeed how the whole situation is going to play out, just seemed too much to bear. I've since had a couple of pretty good weeks (i keep very busy), but every few days I just feel completely defeated and empty and can only see sadness and regret in the future. I would say these days are getting less frequent, and perhaps less powerful, but they really knock my confidence.

excellent advice from springydaffs - if I am honest, I do still love/miss ex in a way and am still mourning our old life and the future that will never be, but at the moment, my over-riding emotion is one of hate/dislike....detaching is the way to go I think......as is keeping busy.....

Dee. Have also been following your story closely - again, see so many similarities. DH met his OW on a work trip, she's moved here to be with him after an insultingly short 'relationship' that consisted of a few snatched business trips and constant texts/emails/chat. Suspect our Hs have similar work environments too...

Your comments about each gate or checkpoint have struck a chord actually - DH protested that he couldn't help what 'happened to him', but it was clear to me from very early on that he had to make decisions every step of the way to allow this situation to develop, and in fact it was far too far down the line by the time I discovered what was going on (even though it had only started a matter of weeks beforehand). And so now I see every day he chooses to go to his 'new' home as another nail in the coffin... While being unable to resist hoping that every day is also stripping away the novelty of the situation...

I'm glad to hear how you're getting on - almost wish DH was being an arse (well, even more of an arse ) so that I can reach that point sooner!

Waves to Dee - as you say, it's been 'easier' (ridiculous word in the context!) for you Dee in that your ex has been vile, vile, vile so it's more black and white. With you though 100, your marriage is still functioning in that you are having very close and intimate talks and bonding, which is very confusing for you - you must feel arse over tit if you still have the essence of a marriage but he's off with OW, servicing an addiction ie you are still turning to your mate for help when you are in pain, but it is your mate who has caused the pain, and is still causing it. In therapy circles, anger is recognised as a positive step on the road to recovery and healing. though, once again, you can't manufacture anger, it just does come at the right time. It's a bit like a 3rd degree burn that you can't feel because it is so deep, but healing brings the pain - in the same way, anger surfaces, anger and outrage at what you have been put through. If you are still having a deep connection with your DH then it is much harder to move on iyswim, to take steps to aid your recovery, though imo anger will come at the right time. Are you seeing a counsellor? It may help to have an alternative and close 'other' to turn to who is not your H.

I fear I'm rambling - tired rambling, always a sign I should go to bed . Do try the day at a time thing though 100 - recently I was cycling up a hill, doing well, until I looked up and saw the top of the hill and immediately felt defeated, lost all energy and got off my bike there and then: don't look up but stay focused on getting through, getting up that hill, a bit/day at a time - don't look ahead. We none of us have ultimate control over our futures anyway, not really.

My positive story is he didnt come back , he stayed with ow and I have my life back : for me thats a positive

100, mine came back. There were lots of factors, but one of them was that I was honest about the fact that if he did, I would be willing to try again.

I know the mantra on here is detach detach detach, but DH had got to the point where he had decided he really wanted to come back, but had convinced himself I wouldn't have him.

Do you get the feeling all is not perfect in paradise? Does your H seen very keen to stick around? Every relationship/affair/recovery/split is different, but if you are not sure you want this to be the end, and the signs are there that your H might not either, it might be an idea to let him know.

Evening ladies! Hope you all had a lovely Mothers Day and some well-deserved treats/rest/pampering...

Your replies have been giving me a lot to think about - even though I've been talking this through for months now, it always amazes me how every person has a different take on things and although that can be confusing, sometimes just a word or phrase really jumps out at me and gives me motivation for the next little while.

springy it is very confusing the way things are at the moment. I do almost feel as though DH has neatly compartmentalised his life into family time and affair time, although I know it's not as simple as that for him, he's juggling a lot of balls (ahem) and coping with a complete life change and the consequences this whole business has had on his relationships with everyone that cares for him.

I feel he treats me with respect and love as a friend and as the mother of his children while saving all the romantic, sexual stuff for the OW. Which is weird for me and tbh must be weird for her too - their relationship can't be 100% one thing or the other right now, certainly not rounded and complete. Some days I think actually my life is pretty OK - I'm living it the way I choose, for the first time in years, and am still getting the friendship and camaraderie of someone I feel extremely close to, without having to tolerate any of the stuff that really used to piss me off about him. I can almost believe that this will be enough for me and I should just embrace it. However, I know this can't go on forever; for a start once the OW is introduced to our DC (god it makes my blood boil just contemplating it), then I'm damn sure we'll be seeing a lot less of him here... Other days I feel life would just be perfect if all the changes I've been making could carry on, but with him home and part of my life properly again.

Anyway, to answer your question, I haven't seen a counsellor yet. I'm managing OK with speaking to friends and family; it seems each day I choose which person I need to talk to to deal with however I'm feeling at that particular time. So although we have had lots of deep and meaningful conversations, that's largely in the past now, and I feel less tempted to open up to him these days (when I do, it's more because I need to vent a bit - he listens, says sorry, then off he goes again!).

gettingeasier - I also need to hear positive stories like yours! And as I mentioned below, I do see a lot of areas where my life is better without him - so many things that I always put off before, I have finally been devoting proper time to. Like seeing more of friends, going out more, getting involved on a voluntary basis with things that interest me (rather than feeling pressurised to get back to work - have been a SAHM since birth of our eldest DC), staying up late, eating what and when I want... These are all things that seemed too much of a hassle when he was at home, especially as he's always worked erratic, long hours and travelled a lot, leaving me little opportunity to do anything for myself on a regular basis because he was never reliably there to give me a break. That said, now that I've started down this path, I will not undo these changes whether he comes home or not...

seachange do you mind me asking what the circumstances were with your DH coming back? How long was he away/did the affair last? How was your relationship with him during that time, ie did you remain friendly or cut him out? How long has it been and how is your marriage now?

I'm pretty sure DH knows I would consider having him back - I certainly made it clear to him at the beginning that I could forgive him for making a mistake and that I am still fully committed to my marriage vows. But it's been a while since we discussed it, I don't feel it's appropriate in a way - I'd almost rather he thought he'd completely blown it if this made him see sense?

Thinking about your questions, I don't really have any idea how his other life is at all, although I'm absolutely sure that the fantasy and the reality have turned out to be poles apart. He tells me about his work, his friends, practical things about his new place and way of life, but is very discreet about the OW and their relationship - I literally have no idea how things are between them and never ask. I assume he's still in the first flush of infatuation in many ways, it's still very early days.

I can't quite put my finger on it, and I don't know if this is all completely in my mind, but I just get this very subtle feeling that there is still a decision to be made if you know what I mean? Which doesn't make sense, because obviously he's made his decision and gone... So yes, just a slight impression that he's keeping his options open. But I think if I tried to discuss this with him he'd probably get defensive and deny it. And I'd probably come across as a bit desperate?