MIL threads getting quite tiresome on the relationships section arnt they! I feel that this is a really important one and has been affecting my marriage considerably and would be very thankful for any advice. I am 26 and DH is 45.
Long, but here goes.
When we first starting seeing eachother, i asked him (like you do!) why he had split up with his ex wife. He told me that it was because she was jelous of his mother! I did think it was strange, but as it was such early days, i didnt ask about it again. (I later found out as well as his ex wife not getting on with mother in law, she ran off with an other man, which he didnt tell me at this point!) So i was made to believe that EX wife was weirdly jelous of mother in law.
MY DH split up from his EX wife before i met him, MIL used to come to his house and do all his cleaning, washing,shopping, ironing and cooking. He used to go around to hers to have his main meal every day, although i didnt realise this when i first met him! He didnt use to tell me much about where he was going etc, and everytime i rang him he would say he has just popped into his mums. I did think it was odd at the time, but thought he must have been bored shitless without much of a life of his own, so went over there so often. He also has a son, who was 13 at the time, so thought he used to take him over there to stay at his nans.We only used to see each other at weekends to start with for 5 months of our relationship. I stayed at his for a few days five months into seeing him and he rang me after leaving for work and said, my mum might turn up sometime today, i thought wtf, if he knew i was at his alone, then why would he allow his mother to just turn up! I had never met her, and would be alone when she turned up! When she came over, i didnt know what to expect and was pretty nervous and felt abit awkward, she came in and started doing his housework downstairs! She came up stairs and started sorting is laundry in the laundry basket, turned to me and said, oh hello! She then started moaning about DH and saying how messy he was etc, and then started talking about his ex wife, what a bitch she was and what had happened in their relationship! I was a little gob smacked to say the least! Me and DH had spoken much about his ex wife, so i didnt expect a full life history! It was a very awkward situation, and wish the ground would swallow me up! She was very cold and calculating, and it was all pretty much about her. When she left, she didnt even say goodbye! Very rude and arrogant.
I continued to live on my own and DH used to come over to my place. During this time mother in law asked us to come around to hers for tea, which we did, she was again rude and arrogant, didnt make me feel welcome, and waited for DH to go out of the room to drop something nasty in, or starting to talk about his ex, or slagging off DH! She also commented on the fact that i never came over to see her and started sulking just before we left, and tried to keep us there longer. As we went out of the door and got in the car, DH was first in the car, and shut the door quickly, i then turned to look at her to say good bye, and she blatantly looked away and ignored me!
Fast forward 5 months and DH asks me to marry him, i said yes,, but dont make any immediate plans to marry or anything like that, we just got on with our lives. Dh at some point mentioned it to SS and he goes back and tells MIL. One day after this,we had arranged to take SS out for the day, he was at MIL's so we went and picked him up. We were travelling about 1.5 hours away and set off early to miss the traffic. DH got out of the car and went into MIL'S house to get SS. I waited in the car. Next minute MIL comes out, and starts yanking at the handle of my door (it was locked, its was an automatic safety thing that DH's car used to do) After her nearly taking the handle off, i opened the door from the inside, and she starts shouting and bawling! She asks if me and DH are engaged, i said we were, then she starts to go off on one, swearing, and slams the car door and walks off!) I was really upset, and told DH when he got back to the car, didnt want to say too much as SS was in the car, so waited until we got home to discuss it. DH wasnt very pleased and went to hers the next day to speak to her about it. During all of this time she is ringing DH up about 10 times a day, every day!
We went out for DH's sons birthday, and DH and i were trying to explain to her how built in wardrobes worked (MIL asked the question) When i was talking, she told me to SHUT UP! I was again gobsmacked, and went outside for 5 minutes (we were waiting for food) for a cigarette to clam down.
She repeated this last year, we again went out for SS birthday and she made a big scene in the restaraunt. She told my DD " Your mothers off her head" I was fuming! I thought she ment i was drunk or something, but why the hell would you say something like that to a 4 year old!! We were leaving the restaraunt at that point, and think thats why she was getting nasty. (We had to leave around 15 minutes earlier than the rest of the guests DH and meyself were hand feeding a sick cockatiel, and he was due his feed. She then marched out of the place after us and started ranting and raving on about " what she really thought" and i did say something nasty to her, that i thought she deserved at that point. I rang her up when i got home, apologised and told her how she had made me feel, she told me that she wasnt going to change for anyone, i explained that she had made me feel uncomfortable since the day i had met her, and found her tone and attitude towards me quite vile and upsetting. I said that i had never recieved such ill treatment from any one of my family members, and didnt see how her and i could have a relationship if this is the way she was going to make me feel.
One summer, we decided to have a BBQ, just close friends, have some food, few drinks etc and i asked DH to ask SS if he wanted to come. He rang SS and asked him, she said he would be here for the BBQ, mother in law was in the background, says, oh you know i go for a walk in the park on a sunday! So i wont be coming! I thought to myself, thank god for that! We werent inviting you anyway! Later on in the afternoon she turns up! All nice as pie! My friends hadnt met her before, but had heard from me what she was like and the problems we had been having.
Christmas 2010 came and we invited her over here, in the weeks closing in on christmas i started getting very panicky and anxious about her coming over! This continued, and i didnt feel strong enough to beable to deal with it, so a week before xmas day i asked DH to ask her if we could possibly have dinner at hers as i wasnt sure i could spend the full day with her here, was nervous and not feeling myself. I was dreading every single second of it, and was worrying about her kicking off about something. DH didnt find it a problem, he asked her. Dont know what her reaction was as DH doesnt tell me these things, and we go to her for dinner! My brother ended up coming too, so she was extra nice! This had been the first time in many she had acted in this way! I was assuming it was because my brother was there!
New years day, she just turns up, unexpected, while we are pottering around the house in our PJ'S with a hangover. She comes in and starts looking around the place (she always does this) In this time she makes a mistake with her words and i friendly try to tell her i know what she ment etc (she said she tried to get on to her emails on ebay, when she ment Orange) i laughed friendly and said " ohhh it would be a bit diffiullt to get onto your emails on ebay, but i know what you mean) She then said " i didnt mean that" and muttered STUPID BITCH under her breath!!!!!! At this point, i felt like grabbing her by the throat and throwing her out of the door! I ignored her, but went apeshit when she left and told DH. She of course did all this with his back turned! He was on the PC in the kitchen with his back to her and me and her were stood in the kitchen.
A few weeks after this, she rings me up SS has by this time lived with MIL for 3 years. He had been in trouble with school. I already knew as SS had phoned and told me about half an hour before she rings, she asks when DH will be home, we discuss what happened at school with SS and i tell her to keep ring DH or leave a message and he would get back to her. I tried to ring DH at this time also and she slags me off to SS saying I am making it DIFFICULT for HER to get hold of DH!! DH was 200 miles away working?!! She also called me a few names. I try to ring her back to let her know i cant get hold of DH either, and that she should still keep trying but SS answers the phone and says, what have u said to upset nan, she has said x, y and z about you and i thought you had said something! Well at this point i loose my rag, i didnt even want to talk to the bitch and i stupidly text her, and basically said, i know what youve said about me, all i was trying to do was help you, why are you so nasty? I cant put up with this, i know youve never liked me, so that suits me fine, i dont want anything to do with you from now on. She tried to ring me, but i ignore the phone. I havnt spoken to her since! My life has been so much peaceful without her in it! I have been far less panicky and anxious and no longer feel like i am walking on egg shells!
A month or so after this i speak to DH's sister about it and she agrees that shes out of order, shes very hard to get on with, and that she still talks to her like shit these days and she is nearly 50! She told me, i didnt have to have a relationship with my MIL. I had already made that decsion anyway from the last time she had talked behind my back and been so vile when all i was trying to do was bloody help her.
I have not spoken to her for 1 year and 2 months now. Me and DH have been together for 4 years.
Since all of this... there is plenty more i have left out, mine and DH's relationship and marriage has struggled, he hates the fact me and MIL are not talking, and recently it was arranged for us to go away with my mum and dad, abroad with DD, he has now said he is not going, as i dont speak to his mum! So it seems he is punishing us all, because of his mother and her actions! I have explained to him that his mothers actions and what came out of her mouth was out of my control, and i really feel that i can not have a relationship with this woman as nothing will ever change. She had made that quite clear to me before now. My parnets live 150 miles away and i see them once every 2 months if i am lucky.
There is another factor that i am desperate for a child, and recently found out i have PCOS. I had said to DH if i did get pregnant i would consider speaking to her again when the child was born. I would not let the impact of the stress she causes to affect my fertility any further and would worry she put me through so much stress during a pregnancy for a very much wanted child.
She has bullied me and made me feel like a nervous little girl. I took her shit for soo long that i am terrified of the thought of having any sort of relationship with her anytime soon.
I am so stuck as to what to do, this woman is so unreasonable its unhealthy.
Another big thing was she told me she might have cancer! I asked DH about it and he knew nothing about it, and to this day she still hasnt told him! She is so attention seeking and EVERYTHING has to be about her.
Sorry if ive waffled or made things unclear!
I need help here!