I have posted before about my emerging realisation of the damaged family I am living in, and the intention to try and change it.
The start of the journey is looking very very hard.
Patientceobtainsalthings was very helpful and recommended me some books. I flicked through the Lundy Bancroft one and it didn't flash off huge warning bells with me. However other reading has. I have also started reading "homecoming"inner child stuff. There is a questionnaire at the beginning. It finishes by saying if you have answered "yes"to 10 or more questions, then you need to do the work in the book, and that it would be safer to do it with a therapist.
I had 24 yesses.
I have done some other research, including legal.
I'll cut to the chase and summarise:
My dh is emotionally abusive.
It has taken me 18 years to realise this.
I still like him/love him/can recognise where it comes from.
I think he is harming our son with his attitude, although our daughter is happy.
If we split, he will get 70% of all we possess and 50% custody and the children will lose their home and their possibility of a loving father. They have not had the benefit of my "lightbulb" moment.
If we do not split, my son may well turn into an abuser himself. He is such a fantastic lad, really. But he is nearly 13. It may already be too late.
I have emailed a potential therapist. Current game plan is to work on my own childhood issues and try to persuade dh to come on the journey with me (that won't be easy: his childhood was awful and he wants to forget). To try to change the interaction at home. To nurture my children.
It is a big scary mountain to climb. I'm somewhat daunted.....would be really grateful for a few kind words.