How can I encourage DS's father to be involved in their lives?

[bizbee30]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet forums so hello

I have two sons aged 11 and 12, their father and I split when they were just babies and although I have tried hard to ensure he can see the boys easily he now rarely contacts them.
As a bit of background detail :for a long while he was having them stay at his for 24 hours on a saturday afternoon through to sunday afternoon which they both enjoyed ( and I did too!) although he would often bail out at the last minute because he had been invited out (to pubs/clubs) he paid maintenance for 12 months (after I had been pestering the CSA for nearly 8 years) after the CSA got an 'attachment to earnings' taking £60 a month from his wages direct to the boys. He then moved to australia and told the boys it was because I was 'taking all his money' (he lived in a housing association house with his partner, both working full time, sky, WoW,foreign hols)
Well, he was kicked out of oz after a year and moved back here 18 months ago. Since then he has been visiting the kids at my house for an hour or so once every 3-4 weeks(he is living with his g/f after he surrendered the tenancy on the h/a house) ,he only really visits after the boys have messaged him several times about meeting up.

As before he has not shown any interest in sports day, parents evening, anything in the boys lives. of course he hasn't given them any money or even gifts.

The boys adore their dad, and are desperate to see him more. I have tried to discuss various contact ideas with him, as have the boys, he agree's initially but never comes up with the goods.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? sometimes i feel i should have just not let him see the boys when we first split up, i had good reason and evidence to. I feel I have been a push over to him as he gets very abusive when I try to discuss the boys needs with him, so I back off. Its now at the point where I do not contact him at all, and surprise surprise he hasn't contacted the boys for weeks. am I a mug? what should I do for the best?
thanks for reading xx

I have the same problem with my ex, we split up over 2 years ago and while in the beginning he was very good with them now he goes months without seeing them, I don't have a contact number for him so cannot contact him until he rings me, the last time he saw the kids was during the Feb half term, I've never given him any cause to not see the kids, I've even opted to him coming to my house and me going out to leave them together for a few hours, I've bent over backwards to make sure my kids have a relationship with their dad but it all boils down to he will see them when he gets pushed into doing it, I know his mum pushed him to see them the last 2 times, the time before that was new years eve, he didn't contact them over christmas or our daughters 3rd birthday.

I could go on and on and it really makes me quite angry but I'm not going to force him to see his kids, the door will always be open to him but it will have to be his choice, just a shame it will come to late, my nearly 8 year old never asks after him, my 3 year old is still quite young to understand what is going on and while she does still ask after him she will soon wise up, she's very smart. I've never dissed him in front of them and if they talk about him I'm quite happy to engage in the conversation with them, after all even though I want to cut his heart out with a blunt spoon he is still their dad and they are happy when they see him, I can't stand in the way of that even if I want to.

thank you for your reply, it helps to know we are not alone. i dont have a contact number for their dad either. Both boys are coming to the realisation that their dad is not as big a part of their lives as they would like.
I guess there is not a lot i can do, i cant force a relationship, i can just be there for the boys like i always have been.
I know what you mean about being angry, I have been told to 'let it go' but its hard when every day you see your kids missing out on such an important relationship, and they get upset about not seeing him much.
thanks again for your reply, I never heard of anyone in the same situation as me and my boys it helps to know were not alone