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Original poster

Why can't I have sex with my DH?

20 replies

hellamallella · 01/04/2011 21:48

For the last few months I can't seem to bring myself to have sex with dh - whenever he initiates sex I literally freeze/tense up and have to ask him to stop :(

I love him dearly - he is a brilliant husband, excellent dad and very loving and caring. He is my soulmate and I couldn't imagine life without him. I am worried about the future of our marriage - I don't want to not have sex with him - I very much do want to be intimate. We've only had sex twice this year - both times in January - once it was initiated by myself. I'd say for the last two months I've had this really adverse reaction to his attentions. No problems with day to day affection - ie kisses/cuddling on the sofa/holding hands etc.

Nothing else has changed within our environment - we both work ft and dh works shifts so we do have less face to face time than perhaps other couplles - but he's worked shifts forever so we've never known any different. DC's are school age so no real reason why we shouldn't be able to have an active sex life.

What can I do? Any ideas?

OP posts:
carlywurly · 01/04/2011 22:13

Is it more a physical or psychological issue do you think? Does it hurt if you try and have sex with him, or does some fear stop you getting that far?

May be worth seeing a sympathetic GP if it's physical, or a specialised counsellor or even hypnotherapist if it's an emotional issue. Sounds as though you've maybe subconciously developed some barrier to having sex.

BCBG · 01/04/2011 22:17

Just wondering how old you are? This happened overnight to me and tuned out to be a catastrophic drop in oestrogen levels: not very significant in itself but as I was very hormone sensitive it was enough to remove my libido entirely. Like you I love my DH and physical contact was fine but all of a sudden I couldnt bear sex.

Original poster
hellamallella · 01/04/2011 22:29

No, no pain - I just can't bear to do it - I'm almost curled up in a ball on the other side of the bed :(

BCBG - I'm mid 30's - I had a mirena coil re-fitted about 6 months ago after having one for 5 years. Libido has been up and down over the last 7 years or so - did you go and see your doctor to get your hormone levels tested?

I literally have no libido - nothing - no reaction to anything.

OP posts:
Bassett22 · 01/04/2011 22:33

Counselling? Or have you considered that already? Got to be worth a bash.

Tortington · 01/04/2011 22:35

its like a muscle - they more you do - the more you like - ime - unless he or you are spectactularly shit at sex?

tinierclanger · 01/04/2011 22:43

It sounds suspiciously hormonal to me.

Original poster
hellamallella · 01/04/2011 22:43

I would consider it - I've used counselling very successfully in the past and think dh would consider it - I don't know if we'd be ever be able to organise our schedules to attend a regular appointment!
What approaches do they use in psychosexual counselling?

OP posts:
Original poster
hellamallella · 01/04/2011 22:46

:o No neither of us are spectacularly shit at sex - I don't know if that will work - have tried masturbating but nothing - zilch - no arousal whatsoever

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 01/04/2011 22:49

it is possibly the mirena coil, even though you had it for 5years previous our bodies react differently at different times. My friend had it for years and loved it, had it changed then had pains, irregular bleeding, loss of libido. All returned a few days after its removal. Go to the gp and hope you get it sorted

Sariah · 01/04/2011 22:54

Would think it is the coil. I had one for years and it was fine. Got one after my last pregnancy and had to have it removed. It depressed me. I have heard alot of side effects associated with it.

Original poster
hellamallella · 01/04/2011 23:06

Right - will book myself in to the docs. I have been feeling quite up and down - about 6 weeks or so ago I was very low and empty. Perhaps the coil isn't for me anymore. Shame as it is perfect in all other ways - no periods, minor pmt, no weight gain. Really don't want to go back to the copper coil as that made my periods so heavy.

OP posts:
Malificence · 02/04/2011 13:13

I'd say 99% that it's the mirena, not that the doctor will ever admit that they have such drastic side effects mind you.
I'd bet money on it, there are hundreds of posts on here from women badly affected by the mirena.

iwantadogbutarabbitwoulddo · 02/04/2011 13:28

yeah it'll be the coil. I have the implant and doctor says "no no it can't be the implant that's reducing you sex drive"

They also don't believe me that the pill makes me feel physically sick.

I'm like mmmm why do my friends who also have the implant confide in me that they have the same problem? -even ones who have just started relationships with men they wildly fancy, have the implant fitted and then...nothing.

Try condoms alone for a while. Let your body get back to normal hormonally and see if that helps

Original poster
hellamallella · 02/04/2011 18:09

No - I know that they say that the mirena shouldn't impact as they say its a local contraceptive. But I have read hundreds of posts on here talking about depression/sickness etc with teh mirena.
It did work really well - I really don't want to risk falling pg though so would have to wait a while before trying condoms out.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/04/2011 18:45

I had this when I was on the injections. Had them every 3 months for 18 months and was fine then I had my next one and I had no libido and turned into an utter bitch queen from hell. I gave the next one a go and was even worse. So I didnt have the next injections and I was back to normal within a couple of weeks.

So I am firmly in the "mirena as culprit" camp!

carlywurly · 02/04/2011 19:22

Ohhh. Now you've mentioned the Mirena, I'd eliminate that first of all. It's so irresponsible that women are not properly informed about its possible side effects. They can be utterly debilitating, and GP's seem to be in total denial. Really makes me Angry

Stac2011 · 02/04/2011 21:11

i have the copper coil and hate it! Waiting for dp to get the op so i can have it out. Hella if your done having kids would being sterilised or dh having snip be an option?

Original poster
hellamallella · 02/04/2011 21:23

I'm pretty sure we don't want any more kids - although dh is reluctant to have the snip and I just don't want to get sterilised just in case we change our mind to have another - it will definitely be something I consider in the next 5 years though.

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 02/04/2011 22:06

This happened to me a few months after I had the mirena fitted, I didn't link it but now its got me thinking as im due to have it replaced.
Total loss of desire which was weird for me, without going tmi, I enjoy time inbetween with my own 'toys' and nothing happening there either, was a strange period, but it did pass.

Stac2011 · 02/04/2011 22:19

we definately dont want anymore as we have 2 boys and a girl and had hard time ttc after years on the pill. You have to decide whats best for you and dont let the gp talk you out of it. Maybe a couple of Wine too many for me lol

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