Staying together for the kids

[Dunoon]

Would it be better for them to know some of the situation rather than playing happy families?
I am aware sometimes of awkwardness for example when the subject of physical affection between parents crops up in conversation or on TV maybe and wonder if the children have realised there is non between theirs.
Plus I would like seperate rooms if possible eventually [not possible atm due to number of bedrooms in the house] and although this could be explained by daddy's snoring or poor sleep patterns it might be better to be open in a simple way?

it all sounds so wrong......sorry!

I don't know. I know a couple who do this. They've had no physical affection since the youngest was born 13 years ago! They sleep in separate rooms and don't have a romantic relationship, but they get on well and don't fight. The kids seem happy and secure.

But it is simpler.

I'm like this, Dunoon. We have had separate bedrooms for about 2 years. I've never tried to explain why to DD, and I think sometimes being open confuses things more. Children IMHO think differently from adults anyway, and may not even notice in the way that you think they would. My parents never showed much affection, but loved each other nonetheless. "Happy Families" is quite often a charade anyway. Hope you get it sorted anyway.

I think children accept what happens in their own families as 'normal' - I don't think it necessarily damages them as long as there's no bad feeling between you

That's reassuring.
I have read posts here from those who grew up in these families and seemed to hate the pretence more than anything.
biryani does your DD ever ask questions.

Hello Dunoon. No- she never asks questions, and she's 9. She's an extremely happy child and far better-balanced than many of her peers, imho. I'm with Infanta - kids seem to take things for granted, and accept them as normal, even though an adult would ask questions. Also, i would be wary of burdening my DD with grown-up problems, and I don't think that would be fair on her as there's no way she could possibly understand like an adult could. As long as there's no obvious malice and you manage to rub along ok, I don't think it really matters who sleeps where. And no family unit is ever perfect, whatever the hype implies!! I think you should do whatever your own common sense dictates. Good luck!

thanks.

My parents did this. The only thing for me that was bad about it was the lying. Growing up I felt sad and guilty as I knew that they were very unhappy and felt that it was my fault. Then when they finally split I felt like my childhood had just been one big pretence.

As long as you can both be happy, and show your children that you are happy and you never make them feel like you are sacrificing your happiness for theirs then I think it could work.