Don't wanna be no ski bunny

[EugenieM]

Hi,

Has anyone negotiated this one (not of earth shattering importance compared to some of the concerns raised in 'Relationship' thread)...
My dp is a keen skier. He works really hard and is one of those people who love mountains and snow and stuff that is to me, too cold, slippery and hair raising! I'm a hot weather person myself and although not totally unadventurous - can't be bothered to learn now. I tried once and hated it.
So... We have two under two and for the past couple of years he's gone off with a mate while I've looked after the kids.
Before you think I'm a martyr I should point out that I get a 'quid pro quo' in the form of more childcare (nothing more of a treat to me these days than this). So we're happy but everyone thinks separate holiday idea is weird.
When the kids are bigger I'm planning on going to sunnier climes with whoever wants to come. Or he can take both of them to he snow.

There is however slight pressure for me to learn and tag along but (despite being warned by others about the potential for affairs of my approach) I can't see why we have to be joined at the hip.
Happy to do some joint hols but also don't see why he should have to give up something that he loves ( or why I can't head to somewhere by myself).

Any thoughts on levels of conformity expected when it comes to vacations and quality time?

perfectly reaosnable approach. forget everyone else - if it works for you it is fine! you are allowed to ahve separate hobbies and go on separate holidays - tho of course ideally you also go on holiday together as a family too at another time

Depends if it's your only holiday or not.

If you have other holidays as a family, and the cost/childcare isn't an issue, then I don't see any problem AT ALL with him going skiing with buddies and you not tagging along. The affair thing is daft - no way is one week apart a year going to lead to an affair.

If it's your only holiday, though, I would probably say you should both compromise and find something you all like doing as a family.

My dad dragged my mum skiing for years, she hated it and eventually he went alone instead. Now she's started going along again (though doesn't ski) as he goes with a mixed group of friends that she likes (and also contains one or two other non skiers). Would that be an option for you?

I have a very similar situation except my dds are older (13 and 11). My dh and I have only been together 6.5 years and his exw didn't want to go skiing because of a knee injury so after going a couple of times 20 years ago he wasn't 'allowed' to go because it didn't suit her.

Anyway I knew it was unlikely to be my thing but wanted my dds to have the opportunity to learn so two years ago we went. I tried for one day but hated it! So the dds went to ski school and then off with dh or the other parents we were with (we went with 4 other families) and I had a lovely time reading books in the sunshine!

Then last year dh went on his own (with the other families so risk of affair low and I trust him anyway) and I was more than happy about this.

This year we all went again but I just helped out getting up there and then read a lot etc. We went for 10 days and it wasn't so sunny so maybe that was a bit too long but the dds had a lovely time and dh loves it so it was worth it for me.

Our problem is that we can't really afford two holidays for all of us and I prefer a hot one too and for two weeks preferably. Also with holiday from work I can't take time for a week skiing and two weeks in the summer and then cover all the other weeks of the holidays (I usually take two days per week of each holiday off).

But if you can afford to do both let him go alone for a few years and then when the kids are old enough to go into ski school all go and you can relax and do your own thing?

By the way if you go skiing in March or April then it tends to be very sunny. And there are some resorts which have lovely walking trails in the mountains, and others which have spas (in Austria esp). And some which are very pretty and traditional whereas others are ugly and concrete. etc etc

Point is, the resort and time of year you choose can make a major difference if you're a non-skier. Just some ideas in case you do decide you want to go with him.

I started skiing at age 2 and loved it from the outset...My own children are starting to learn now. My family skiing holidays are some of my happiest childhood memories. If you aren't keen on skiing, there are various other things you can do, depending on the resort, and if you rent a chalet with friends you could just mooch around during the day, reading, chatting or whatever, whilst the dc are in skischool and yr dh is on the slopes?

I would agree with minipie about choosing a lovely resort that has more to offer than just ski-ing. We went to Austria last year on a ski holiday. I do try to ski but I'm pretty hopeless. However, we spent a whole day sledging (on a proper slope) which was absolutely fantastic and the best fun we had together as a family. Also the hotel was wonderful and had a great spa, steam room, pool etc which made all the difference to me. You may be pleasantly surprised if you chose carefully

I'd go once or twice, and let him teach me how to ski. It'd be fun.

there's usually tons more to do in ski resorts than ski. here we have ice skating, dog sledding, snowshoeing, nordic skiing, ice climbing, glacier walks, plenty of trails, and that's just activity-wise, not including the shops, day spas, coffee shops, swimming pools, hot springs, etc etc.

it's up to you. getting away is sometimes a nice break, and resorts usually have brilliant childcare whether you are skiing or not. it is expensive with little ones though.

you have to work out what's best for your family (my kids are older now, but have been in ski resort daycare since, um, 6 months, 10 weeks, and about a year for each respective child. they are now mad skiers, even my youngest who has cerebral palsy and has her own adaptive ski instructor )

it might not be for you (i had never skiied until i met dh, and spent the first afternoon in tears, but am hooked - and competent- now) but you won't know if you don't try it!

i haven't heard the phrase si-bunny applied to grown women since the 70s btw. it's what i call the dcs now...

Beautiful and madwoman she did say she'd tried it once and not liked it.

oops. skim reading. but i did cry the first time, and now love it.

sometimes you need to get through the 'sh&t, i'm completely out of control' phase. once you know how to stop, it can be quite fun.

I'm with you Eugenie, I've had some of my most miserable holidays in ski-resorts. I smiled at madwoman's list of alternatives - dislike them all , just not my thing, and there is a limit to how much coffee / hot chocolate I could drink. I found that when I did go to the ski resort, I eventually got bored and lonely - a couple of days relaxing was great, but most ski-resorts are set up for out-door snowy activity things, not for any of the things that i really love. I also found the evenings a bit wearing - lots of detailed chat about the precise angle and condition of the snow/ice on each run followed by extensive planning for the next day...

I much prefer that I stay at home, and hear a precis of the whole weeks skiing at the end . We have been fortunate because we've been able to have 'him' holidays, 'me' holidays and joint holidays, and lots of compromises inbetween. We miss each other when we are apart (and that is nice) but we don't feel the need to have every holiday together. tbh I find it easier that he has an interest that takes him away for a week than an all-consuming hobby that takes him away one day every weekend.

That's my instinct Venusandmars. Besides I'm obviously too much of a control freak to enjoy the 'slide-y' feeling (as I call it). If you make your dp give up every independent activity then I have a hunch IMO that everything gets a bit miserly and reduced to a grind in the pursuit of 'togetherness'.
So far I havent cashed in my 'independent chips' on the holiday front as kids are so little and for the time being I dont mind staying put. Also kind of like the missing-you, solo time of being at home alone.

Funny how it can make people uncomfortable though. But I guess each to their own.

If you don't want to go and don't want to learn to ski, then don't - you might resent the sacrifice - especially if you broke your leg!

I think the ideal would be if he did short ski breaks and you do short breaks separately and have a main family holiday together at somewhere mutually acceptable.

I hate it too! I've only had one successful ski-ing holiday. That was in a very posh chalet with a group of smow-busting friends. I got up later than them, had long steamy baths, became a ski-lift tourist and hung out in various bars & cafes. I did have to read a book on evenings in, while they enjoyed their competitive conversations. Obviously that would be immensely boring with two kids! I do feel it's worth going along en famille when they're both walking/toddling adequately, to give them the chance lo learn very young (you'll have to grit your teeth and drink a lot of hot toddies.)

Apart from the child-related opportunity aspect, though, I see no reason why you should go. Once the DCs have learned (or chosen not to), you can go back to having different holidays :)

No problem imo. My friend doesn't ski but is happy to look after DD when her DH goes once a season with his friends.

I don't understand why being in a couple means you have to do everything together all the time.

Although, finance is obvs a factor. Lovely for you if you can afford for him to have a holiday and for you all to have one in the summer.

Don't listen to other people.

I'm with you on this: the only thing, as I discovered a couple of years back when I reluctantly agreed to go with them all, is that my dc's love skiing too. So you might have to consider it when they are older. This last time I got to be able to get to the bottom of a blue run without hysterics, so I guess that's a plus, but I'm not in a hurry to do it every year.

What I really, really want to do, but haven't yet been able to afford/persuade himself, if go cross-country skiing, somewhere like Norway. Pine forests, Northern lights, log cabins, vodka.....and no scary downhills. Worth considering as a compromise?

DH loves skiing and I hate it. So he goes every January on the cheap with friends, whose wives and children also stay at home. One of the friends owns a chalet and they all chip in a nominal fee.

I always book that week off work and enjoy a tidy house and my own company. It's great.

bingethinker - we have alpine and nordic here. plenty of trails through the forests, northern lights if you're lucky, oodles of log cabins... in fact although there are world class downhills all over the shop, my town is very much a nordic base - you even see people training in the off-season on wheels. we even have warning signs warning the motorists to look out for them - they have to keep their training up when the snow is gone, somehow!

I'm not a skiier, have tried to get into it a few times, but have family who are so previously would try to go to resorts that were good for non-skiiers as when little the DC loved playing in the snow and the childrens' areas and I got a lot of pleasure from seeing their enjoyment and excitement.

However, I do love the mountains, despite not skiing and get pleasure (and a suntan!) too from a stroll on a Spring day.

Opportunity for affair? Not particularly I'd have thought, I find that once past their twenties on a ski hol everyone is knackered and in bed early and rooms are usually all shared due to expense of single rooms in resorts so no bed swapping without everyone knowing. More opportunity for affairs in the office a hundred times over.

If your DH loves winter hols it may be hard for him to get his head around that someone doesn't and is a bit stuck in the belief that you could get to enjoy it if you got more confident skiiing.

If separate hols work for you and you can afford it then I'd say carry on although maybe try one Spring holiday together in the mountains at a resort with loads for non skiiers once the DC are big enough to be able to have fun in the snow and see how it goes?