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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At what point do you give up on friendships?

9 replies

whiteswan · 31/03/2011 22:40

I think I may have a friendship (or two) which have fizzled out - cut a long story short - woman B (who I haven't known for that long) has become close buddies through school with woman A - who I have known since babydays of our eldest DCs. My kids go to a different school so it is quite hard to regularly see woman A but I sometimes see woman B as she is also a SAHM and our kids are the same age. The trouble is, with both of these women it seems like it is always me that is making the effort to meet up (they never seem to text/phone), but I know that they see each other every day and their kids play together most days.

Should I just accept that maybe the fact that they don't make the effort is a bit of a hint for me to move on? They obviously get on really well and have a lot in common which is great for them, but I suppose I feel a bit pushed out from both relationships. Should I step away gracefully or keep going on making the effort to meet up all the time?

I'm not very good at this stuff - any help much appreciated...

OP posts:

OldBagWantsNewBag · 31/03/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

whiteswan · 01/04/2011 09:20

Thanks for that - I think it may be done now as I have tried the all together as adults and with kids approach and it was nice but I'm still doing all of the follow up and arrangements so it sounds like I should back off and leave them to it...

But are there rules for this? i.e. if you are always making the effort and the other friend is happy to join in but won't initiate things, is there a point (say after four or five times) when you should just give up and realise they may be being polite rather than wanting to keep things going?

OP posts:

OldBagWantsNewBag · 01/04/2011 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carat · 01/04/2011 18:31

I'm in a similar situation and can see both sides. There were three of us and one moved away - only 20 mins away. The friend I see a lot is because we're always bumping into each other and pop round to each other's houses after running errands, about 3 times per week. The friend who moved away arranges for us to go over when poss, about twice a month. I haven't forgotten about the friend who moved away, she's just not at the forefront of my mind.

newgirl · 01/04/2011 19:46

i think this does happen when kids start school - there is a lot of convenient sharing pick-ups etc that means that parents see other school parents more

i see less of some of my favourite people now because their kids are at other schools and more of some parents I hardly know because I see them every day and our kids our friends.

no answers really - its just sympathy and saying it tends to be an easy option for many people rather than a comment on how lovely you are

ohnoudidnt · 01/04/2011 20:24

Maybe they prefer each others company to yours... without sounding rude.....would not keep trying to meet up, text & call etc as it makes you look desperate.When you have a close friend,you both know it and where you stand with each other,so maybe try to meet other ladies who you have more in common with.This is very similar to the group of mums I am friendly with. I really enjoy the company of 2 of them and not really the rest(in fact 1 of them bores the sxxt out of me and whenever we do go out I make sure I am not sat next to her!)

Original poster

whiteswan · 01/04/2011 20:37

Oh God, Ohno am I that woman?!! I hope not. I suppose what is making it seem worse is that parents at my school aren't that matey - it's all very 'civil' but very much at arms length so I suppose I am also looking quite wistfully at their relationship.

Maybe it is a case of life moving on and isn't necessarily my fault (I have been torturing myself slowly wondering if I have said something/done something to offend - is it just me that does that?)

Thank you for your thoughts...

OP posts:

catinthehat2 · 01/04/2011 20:43

"life moving on and isn't necessarily my fault "

and don't imagine the other 2 will be bosom buddies forever.
make some new friends - not a problem

ohnoudidnt · 01/04/2011 21:19

You sound lovely and caring and it is defo not your fault. Do not keep trying though or bow down to them,they are no better than you. Have your childrens friends over for tea etc and do what makes them happy.... that is whats important.... and stuff them 2 (but still be polite)...at the end of the day they are only school mums, and what matters in life are your family.

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