I feel like a complete idiot (long)

[40inlove]

Pretty new to this so bare with me,
I signed up to a website last year, its one of the naughty ones, and very quickly got chatting to a guy on it. We chatted for hours on end, some naughty but mainly normal chat, after 2 weeks we talked on the phone and 2 weeks after that we met for the first time. From the moment we first chatted we fell for each other big time. We have been having a really intense and full on relationship since then and i have never been so happy with anyone before. I knew he had been on the site well before I was and was sure he had made some "friends" on it, as I had. I was slightly suspicious a couple of times when he opened a text in front of me and then swung the phone away etc. so I did something pretty low and signed back up to the website under a different name....wasn't long before he sent me a message online saying hi and how was i etc.
Somehow I have been able to box this off, compartamentalize it, put it down to harmless fun. We see each other practically every night and if we are not together we are on the phone so I kept telling myself that he had no opportunity to meet anyone or anything like that. I stayed over with him on Saturday and he has a bad injury to his arm so was out of it on painkillers. I looked at his phone (never did before) and there was a message he sent to a woman he has listed under carol (followed by website address). It said hi, I was chatting to you earlier today, can I give you a call after the match? It hit me so hard, made me realise that not only was he chatting online to these women but was talking on the phone too and god knows what else. he constantly tells me how much he loves me, how much I have changed his life. I have met all his friends, family and we have what I thought was a really solid relationship. I feel sick all the time since I read it, I'm thinking about it all the time and know I have to confront him but what do I say? I will come across as a stalker at the very least (which I suppose I am). He is coming over tonight and I know he knows that something is up with me and may very well ask, just don't know what to do or say. HELP!

He may have said he loves you and introduced you to family and friends, but did he ever actually say that he intended or wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with you? Not everyone is into monogamy, and some of those who are into it operate to different timetables ie some people consider a relationship should be exclusive after you first have sex, some think that exclusivity only happens after you've discussed it and agreed to it.

I guess maybe you should come clean.
You need to find out whether he is just chatting online/on the phone and whether you are ok with this, if your not, would he be prepared to stop? Im guessing not, as he hides this from you already.
I don't think he is going to admit to anything else, if there is anything else.

Springchicken - we have never discussed his opinion on monogamy, I guess I just assumed that after a year together that it was exclusive but haven't been on the dating scene for a long time, things have obviously changed.

lookingfoxy- I am def not ok with him being in contact with these women, in any shape or form. In my opinion he is being unfaithful to me, especially when the anonomity is gone and he makes contact by phone. He just called to say he is on his way so I think its time for a showdown, thanks girls.

What on earth made you think that the men you meet at "naughty websites" are up to a long-term, monogamous relationship? I completely agree with dittany on this.

If you have never discussed monogamy with a partner, then you are not entitled to it and he isn't doing anything wrong by having other sexual partners. He hasn't misled you. You have made assumptions.
You could just talk to him about it. You could tell him that you want a monogamous relationship. He may agree to having one. He may have assumed that as you have never mentioned monogamy, you're not bothered about it either.

It's always a bad ide to assume that a relationship is monogamous when you haven't even discussed it. It's not even ethical, really.

I have just read your post and I could have written it word for word.

I too met my EX on-line, we met, he said we were soul mates etc, etc, however after 2 years I too found out he was contacting women chatting to them on the phone, skyping, MSN, all the usual stuff, I didn't catch him out once but I wanted to believe him, yes I know I was stupid, I forgave him as he said they were his friends that's all. We too were also together all the time, I was off on long term sick, after an operation.

The final nail in the coffin for me was that his work phoned home one day and asked if he was coming into work tomorrow, as they really needed him there, I didn't know, he'd left for work as usual!

Yep he had phoned in sick, and had arranged to meet one of his so called friends, after a little more digging I also found out he had booked a hotel room.

I'm far happier on my own, one thing's for sure you can keep internet dating, nothing but sodding trouble