New Relationship ....

[TC123]

Hi - I am new to this website but it has been recommended to me, so I thought I would try and get some views!!

Ex left a year ago (affair) and since then I have been on a few dates. Have been seeing someone for about 8 weeks now (daily text contact; seen 4 times) but I am now becoming paranoid about the whole thing!! has anyone else been there.

We appear to get on well, but we haven't actually had the discussion about where we are heading. I KNOW I should ask but don't want to appear clingy/needy etc. At the beginning I took it all with a pinch of salt, now I'm waitiing for the texts to arrive!!! It is affecting my moods ... I know that I am being completely irrational ... I have quite a full like, have wonderful friends and family, actually don't need anyone (but want someone!!) .... hate the feeling that this person is becoming the soul focus of my attention ... how do I switch off and go with the flow ...........???????

Help!

Why have you only seen him 4 times in 8 weeks. That does not seem terribly keen (in terms of this being a proper relationship) on someone's part...

Well initially we communicated via email; first meeting was about 2 weeks after that; I was then on holiday for a week and he was on holiday for a week, so I guess in true terms it is 4 times in 4 weeks ... met his sister the last time ...

Ok - that sounds better!

I don't have much in the way of advice so hopefully someone will come along who can do better. If you were in a LTR before your ex left then I guess it has been a while since you dated anyone you liked. Do you recall how you used to be - ie has being a relationship always triggered some neediness/insecurity? I am a bit like that but luckily I can reign in the crazy and very importantly I (now) have a DH who recognised that about me and whilst not pandering to me, certainly would never aggravate that side of me and instinctively makes me feel secure about us - and always has.

Having an LTR end over an affair will of course have exacerbated or even triggered a certain level of insecurity in you. You have to acknowledge that and not let it affect your current relationship. Perhaps some counselling?

I personally feel it is a bit too early for a deep talk with NM but of course I don't know how things are with you and you may have reached that level.

I could have written your post 5 months ago. In fact, I did! If you can be bothered to search for them you'll see you're not the only one to feel like this.

I think this is just what happens when you realise you really like someone and are invested in the relationship. You can play it cool for a few weeks and then suddenly it's like 'Oh fuck, I actually really like you'.

No advice here really apart from try to keep busy and don't do anything mental. We didn't have the 'where is this going' talk either. In fact we still haven't, but I don't think you HAVE to have that conversation. No one can offer any guarantees or make promises so early on in a relationship so stating your intentions is a bit previous anyway. I know it's unbelieeeeeeevably difficult to do in practise, but try to just relax and let things unfold at their own pace.

If you feel like you're goign to freak out, just come on here. That's what I did and it saved me many a time from calling him late at night with the slightly hysterical 'where is this going' speech, which would have been completely off-putting for him I imagine.

How come you've only seen each other 4 times in 8 weeks? Is it a distance or kids thing?

OK, my view is that because you haven't seen each other much over that period of time you have started to create something in your head. The something in your head is probably the perfect person you are looking for, when actually you don't know that yet. Tell yourself this, otherwise you'll get disappointed with him anyway.

Now that you are both back from holiday try and see a bit more of each other so that you can work out whether you are right for each other. if it is natural then the relationship will flow and the discussion about where you are heading will come up.

I'm starting to feel better already!!! ... I was with ex for over 20 years and dating is NOT what it used to be ...

It is very easy to feel isolated and think that you're the only one that has these feelings and yet I think I am starting to over-analyse instead of just going with the flow; I think my mind is running away with me instead of concentrating on today. nogoodatthis - 4 in 8 weeks - due to fact first meet up wasn't for a couple of weeks, then I went on holiday for a week, he then went on holiday for a week - so it's really once a week for the last 4 weeks - out with him on Saturday - then away on holiday for a week with my 2 children! Need to relax about the whole thing but it is ssoooooo hard to do .... aarrgghhh, :o x

Realised I'd x-posted with your last post re: 4 x 8 weeks thing.

Yes, it is torture trying not to over analyse! Nothing makes it better really except for time. The longer the relationship continues, the more secure and confident in it you feel.

One thing I forgot to mention in my original reply was that I found it helpful to have counselling. I realised I had some self esteem issues that were a hangover from my previous relationship and I wanted to deal with them and not bring them into my new relationship with NM. I felt I owed it to myself and to him to wipe the emotional slate clean so to speak. It's helped enormously, I would recommend it.

nogoodatthis: just searched through to your postings ... there was some good advice there ... will look into the counselling ... thanks

Glad they are of some help to someone else :). Good luck with the new man OP, wish you all the best!