Son not understanding the break up...help

[NannymcDeb]

HI, after 3 months of trying very hard my husband and i have decided we can no longer carry on, there is no one else (for me anyway) altho i think he believes there is, he has been spying on me, checking up on me, not believeing or trusting me, various other things,anyway he told our 14 yr old daughter on monday, just blurted it out in anger,that we are separating, so she is obviously gutted but she is mature and has started to get her head round it.
However, our 8 yr old son is a differemt matter, oh is sleeping in the spare room at the mo, and my son gets upset every night that daddy is not in bed with me.
I have told him we have fallen out, we are not freinds,we have upset each other, we cannot be together at the mo, just like when he falls out with his friend, etc, BUT he is still not getting it, and i am at a loss as to what else to say to him.
He adores his daddy,and even when he moves out he will still take our son to cubs, rugby etc, and ive even said he can come for tea once or twice a week to see the kids, but i asked him to speak to our son, and he didn't, I feel he's a coward and punishing me by leaving it all for me to deal with every night.

CAn anyone offer any advice? What words can I use to my 8 yr old to help him understand this???
Just when I think he gets it, he'll say "but it's not fair".

I have no advice I am afraid but will quite possibly be in a similar situation soon as H will be moving out in April and we have DS who is 7 and DD who is 5. Have no idea how they will react but suspect DS is going to find it harder :(

Hope someone more knowledgeable can help us.

I wouldn't compare it to him and his friends falling out, as they'll always fall back in iyswim.

I would say that you ARE still friends but have decided that 'daddy' is going to live in his own house, but he will still see him all the time and he will be able to visit daddy in his own house and daddy will still come here.

Maybe not that exact language, my ds is 6 and thats how I explained it to him, he ended up very excited about the new house and loves going there for dinner/sleepovers and random visits (me and dp still 'together', so perhaps more amicable).

You both need to do this together and be singing from the same hymn sheet though.

I found being able to contact dp anytime on the phone for ds invaluable for helping ds as well, as at first he thought he would never see him again, I would say 'don't be so daft', call dp and dp would chat to him about random stuff or pop up to see him.

It took ds a couple of months to get over the fear of never seeing dp again and he did go through random moments of thinking I would be leaving as well, its horrible, but if you both work together on this you should get your ds through the other side relatively unscathed.

He might feel a bit old for this but have you tried reading "Two Of Everything" by Babette Cole to him. Also talk to him and see what he is worried about (it could be a friends experience of parents spliting).

If you can get your Ex singing from the same hymn sheet, then get him to talk to him too.

The important thing is not to sit him for a formal chat, just start doing something with him becuase if he is doing something rather than listening he may be more inclined to talk about his feelings and then you can answer his questions.

We told DS that we were not getting along very well and that we thought it wuld be better if we lived in different houses. At that point DS splurted out "what???? am I never going to se dad again?!?!?!?" so we reassured him that things will be very much the same, in termos of who was going to take him where but in addition he would have a time just for his dad and him every other weekend, like a little holiday in the other house. Then he got all excited and started looking forward to it.

Remember, it is not about delivering the bad news, it is about reasuring him that he will be ok, you both still love him very much and will work TOGETHER to ensure things will be fine.

HTH

I think i am getting more worried about this. How long before H actually moves out should we tell them? Is Good. Friday he is going ( feel there is some irony there) and DC and I will be going to stay with my mum and dad probably on the Thursday until the Monday.

There haven't been any big rows but presume the DC have some idea. Am aware I may be overthinking this but suppose it is so I don't think about how I feel too much :(

I told ds as soon as the decision was made, dp was sleeping on the couch by that point anyway.
We talked about 'when dp gets his new house, it will be so exciting' etc etc.
Gave him a chance to get used to it, I think that definetly worked out better than here today, gone tommorow.

I think the best time to tell them is when you know for sure what will happen next, when you know how contact will take place and when, and when you know where your ex will be settling down, and certainly not too early before the parent leaves, otherwise they will spend the "waiting" time winding themselves up about what ifs.

Certainity is the key.

Well we know where H is going and when. Don't know exactly how contact will be yet but roughly every other weekend and one or two nights in the week. H and I were thinking about telling them about a week before?

There's a thread in Active Conversations at the moment about the stage of parenting you've made the most mess of or something like that and I feel like this is going to be it :(

Doesn't help that it isn't my idea but suppose I need to make the best of things. Think I should find a relationship thread to post on as well...

Lawrie is your H open to random phone calls from the kids when they need that bit of reassuarance (sp).

I can't stress how much these phone calls helped ds around the times when dp would normally be in (and obviously wasn't there), ie teatime, bedtime for us.

Am pretty sure he will be - he definitely wouldn't be against it. DC are quite used to him being home late although anticipate that knowing he is somewhere else will be worse.

Rather wish I could fast firward to about 6 weeks time and know how things are.

Am v aware have highjacked thread . Suppose I don't like doing my own as then it is more real iyswim.

Will tell school next week as last week before Easter and when DC go back, H will have moved out.

Waiting for it happen is rubbish, I do think giving the kids the chance to get their heads round it before it happens is a good idea, definetly lessens the shock for them in my experience.
I put a positive slant on everything, ie never mentioned being skint/lonely, but how much room we would have, snuggles in the morning, exciting sleepovers at dp's new place blah blah blah, really seems to have worked.

I disagree about giving them much time to think about it, they will be full of questons in the same way you are at the moment.

But agree about celebrating little details and making those difficult days special. I asked exH to take DS with him on the weekend he moved out, that helped DS to join the adventure and not felt "left" at home.

In those early days we had lots of activities, from doing special things for dinner to allowing him to fall asleep on my bed watching fireworks. It was ok.

It is natural that you are so worried, but I wouldn't be surprised if in a couple of months time you find yourself thinking that it was far more difficult to take the decision than dealing with the consequences of it.