DH and care fatigue

[OracleInaCoracle]

Dh and I have been married for 7 years and together for 12. before ds was born I worked very hard, I was a restaurant manager and we barely saw each other. he worked 9-5 while I did about 15-18hrs a day. anyway, we had ds after a very stressful pg and while Ive tried to return to work a few times I have been unable to. first due to severe depression and now because of a painful skeletal disorder which is chronic. I have days when my ribs are so swollen and painful that I can barely breathe. my ribs push out my shoulders and cause me to lose the ability to grip and feeling in my right side.

this means that I am fairly reliant on dh, especially when I have a flare up. I hate that. I hate not being able to do the stuff I used to and I hate relying on dh. lately, Im getting the impression that dh is getting pissed off and is starting to resent me. he is snappy and huffs when I need him to help me undress etc. is this normal? should I just suck it up?

I think I'd want to talk about it, and try and keep the lines of communication open. Have you told him how you feel about your illness, and have you asked him how he feels?

Ive tried to talk about it. i think he resents me not being able to work (i have always been the real worker out of the two of us) and gets just fed up with his lot. which makes me feel like shit. so I try not to ask him for help. so I strain myself. so I end up in bed for a month.

I think you need to talk to your GP and emphasise that your illness is putting strain on your marriage.

i think youre right bonsoir. unfortunately there is nothing that can be done and eventually my torso will be twisted and deformed. hardly attractive. I am on regular painkillers etc, but there is nothing that can medically be done, it affects too many of my ribs.

so as it worsens,what happens? will he be giving up work to care for you or will you have a carer?

i suppose he will have to give up work. which is shit. he only works PT at the moment anyway (no other jobs)

15 - 18 hours work a day?? Are you crazy?!

DON'T feel guilty about the fall-out from that, you overstretched yourself, and now your body is saying "Stop"!

Sorry, can't give you any helpful advice re family stuff, apart from :

How are you coping with DS (how old is he?), have you got help with him?

Seems like Dh was happy enough to work 9-5 when you were doing double, why is he not "picking up the slack" now?

Have you seen people like a good chiropractor etc, for you health stuff?

ds is great, he is 5 so I dont need to pick him up etc. I enjoyed working. I loved my job, I was good at it and it frustrates me that I cant do it anymore. I can see a physiotherapist to help me when my muscles seize up (which they do frequently) I understand if he is getting pissed off. it must be hard for him to see me like this, but its even worse to be in this type of pain.

Shit Lissie, that is really crap.

Perhaps you both need support in some way so like Bonsoir says talk to your Doc.

Perhaps he is snappy with the situation rather than resenting you. Your roles as man and wife are being put under pressure and maybe he just doesn't know how to deal with it, and so like so many of us, deals with it badly.

No you shouldn't just suck it up, maintaining your dignity on top of your health issues is important.

You both have really important feelings that need to be dealt with and maybe a third party could help redress things.

For what it is worth my Grandad 'cared' for my Gran throughout much of their marriage and they were married for 65 years, they found a balance and I hope you do too xx

thank you. I suppose I feel guilty for putting him in this situation. its fucking humilliating to need your dh to help you to the toilet, to undress you, to administer your painkillers. and it must be horrible for him too, to see me like this.

Yes, I think however deep the love, the shifting within a relationship like you will go through takes some adapting to.

I guess it is confusing because to a certain extent we grow accustomed to certain 'roles' and stepping out of those and into new ones for both of you will take some adjusting too also.

Would it be possible to speak to Crossroads? They may have knowledge of who you could talk to about how to handle the future and how things will change. They are excellant.

I am in favour of taking as much of your own destiny as you can into your own hands where possible.
I hope I am not speaking out of turn Lissie,

I am so sorry though . If there is anything I can do, even researching and googling for you, don't hesitate to let me know. Even the smallest tasks can seem unsurmountable at times. Take care xx

Sorry to hear of your situation. If you think your DH needs a third party to talk to, there's a lot of information and support for carers available through www.carers.org/ - also useful stuff for the both of you on rights/money etc..

i am so sorry you are having these health issues,Lissie

I don't know how you would feel about accessing help such as a carer or someething.If your mobiltiy and activities of everday living are severely compromised you may be able to access help from social services.You can self refer.You may be eligible for direct payments that may give you some respite care,or someone who can look after ds so you and dh could have some time together as a couple.We got 3 hrs a week where a carer babysat the children.When dp was well enough we managed to get out for the odd meal and it did make a difference,gave us some normality back if that makes sense.

I've never articulated this before but I spent 3 years caring for dp before he died,looking back I feel awfully guilty because, at times,I did resent it,well not so much him but the total situation iykwim?????I tried not to show it but it is very hard if you are together 24/7,he was depressed and frustrated because of the limitations his illness placed on him and i was tired and stressed trying to keep us afloat financially,looking after the kids (dd has sn) and trying to look after dp too I know i was a bit shorttempered at times but i really didn't mean it directly towards him i loved him dearly its just the whole situation was very hard.I am sure your dh does love you immensely,but is like you say finding it upsetting seeing you so poorly.

do you get DLA? you can apply for direct payments to employ your own personal assistant to do some of the caring for you.

speak to local disability org for advice

Yes, you do need to access some outside help, it will be good for both of you. It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that your body is letting you down and you need a lot more practical help. It is also very hard to be the partner of someone in this situation. If your H has always been a loving, supportive husband and a good bloke, then he will be at least partly angry at the world/fate because he hates seeing you in pain and distress and being unable to make you better. Also, he will be worrying about money and how you are going to cope. And finally, you are a human being in constant pain which is going to make you short-tempered sometimes. Both you and your H need to try to get as much help as possible.
Sorry this is happening to you.

I'm sorry too Lissie.

Very much like you, I love my job. It gives me a very strong sense of who I am and what I can achieve; it would pain me greatly to give it up. Your chosen career was very physically demanding, so it would clearly be impossible to go back. But, if you had enough outside support that you didn't feel you needed to push yourself too hard and then end up bedbound for a month, could a more sedentary job be an
option? Perhaps one where you could work from home?

Obviously if you can't work or don't want to work (and who would blame you under the circumstances?) then ignore me. I just got the sense from your posts that you might genuinely like to do something. If you would then between us I'm sure we can think of some viable options.

argh, mn went down after I typed response.

Thank you for all your support and reassurance. we are going to see the gp together to arrange a pain management plan. im not eligible for DLA, I can walk 500m in 20 mins. however, i used to walk 2 miles in 30 mins.

last night I did some dusting. spray, wipe. today I can barely move. its shit. when dh married me he was getting a workaholic bundle of energy. i was never ill (except for my week off after christmas/NYE) and i was independant and tough. now everything is differnt. our roles have totally shifted and its hard to cope with.

cinnabar, I have tried. I have done pt work several times, including just training/H&S training, but I was in too much pain.

I love restaurants. I watched that michel roux's service and it made me cry, because I miss it so much.

Oh, Lissie, that's heartbreaking for you. So sorry life's turned out this way.

Can I offer a (((hug)))? Or is it too painful?

thank you. its so frustrating for both of us.

Much love Lissie. xx

I'm glad that you are both going to the GP; I very much feel that this is something you need to face together or it will drive a wedge between you. As you know DH has had to provide similar levels of care for me over the past five years, but thankfully it is getting less and less and I am gradually getting my health back, but even so it sucks totally that I have to wake him to get DS out of his crib for a feed in the middle of the night most nights and that he has to physically care for me, work, look after DD and DS when he's not at work etc.

For what it is worth DH occassionally gets pissed off at helping me, although he'd die rather than admit it and gets very defensive if I ask him if he's fedup with me. Occassionally he'll say that he's, "just tired" and that he hates seeing me suffer and I know that is true, but I also know that he must be getting mightily fedup of caring for me - I am in my thirties but my body seems to think I'm in my eighties.

Hang in there and keep talking. x

thank you red, how are you doing at the mo? ikwym about your body being the wrong age. I hate being so fecking vulnerable.

I had a very bad flare up at the weekend and dh had to do everything yesterday. including lifting me off the sofa and helping me in the loo. Im in so much pain