I might be on the cusp of a major feud with my mother. She called me a bad mother.

[1AngryMoFo]

I am so angry because 1) she is wrong and 2) she has no right to say this to me and 3) I feel like I've been turning myself inside out the last few years. Single parent, one child with special needs, the other very challenging and we are even seeing a psychologist. I arranged all of this. I also kick-started the process for my dc's autism dx when she refused to believe there was anything wrong with him. She thinks it's nonsense me taking the other dc to a psychologist (because of things she might have seen/remembered before we left her father). All in all, the last few years have been fairly tough and I've been doing my best. She criticises me for being lazy (an example of this would be if the children were fighting and I didn't leap into the middle of it to arbitrate instantly). I do referee, but not constantly. Also being on the internet on my lap top if my son is watching peppa pig - that's lazy too apparently. what should I be doing? giving peppa pig my full attention. He likes me to be near him.

She looks after the kids for me a few afternoons a week and thinks that this gives her the right to tell me exactly what she thinks all the time, and I am not alllowed to defend myself. She just puts up her hand and walks off. I am sick of her. I feel like doing something I might regret, like telling her to fuck off we will manage without her for ever.

Her sister has trouble with her daughters in law and they discuss it all endlessly, so surely she would know that calling me a bad mother would cause a lot of bad feeling. I can't believe she would go there. Especially when I remember my childhood. She was in bed watching perry como when I got home from school every day. She used to control us all with the wooden spoon, but I have forgiven her for all that. OH I am just so mad I could actually do her serious bodily harm.

can you get someone else to look after your dc's?

Can you manage without her?

I mean, if she looks after your children, then perhaps she feels entitled to pass judgement? I don't necessarily agree that she has the right but perhaps that's why she thinks she can say something.

So, she passes judgement. You don't agree.

Either you do tell her to eff off and not see her for ages or you tell her that her opinion isn't valid and here's why or you simply shrug her thoughts off and have confidence in your parenting decisions.

Thank you for your replies. I was venting really. I normally read threads where people have had arguments with their mothers and think 'how petty'. But it seems like we have both snapped at the same time.

I have not told her to fuck off yet. She said to me imperiously 'we need to talk' and I snapped back 'you need to listen' and then she flounced off and I stormed home. So nothing toooooo serious yet. I am sorting out some alternative arrangements right now. The sad thing is, the children would rahter be with her. I just can't tolerate it any longer. Feel a bit bad about it, but I've told the children they will still see her. The difference is I won't be beholden to her. I just can't stand being beholden to somebody who is criticising me. Thanks for not telling me I'm a selfish immature idiot.

I would say you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face here..

You say your children want to be with her. If they have additional needs, then taking them away from her when they are used to her being there so much may be stressful for them.

Would it not be easir perhaps to just let her criticism wash over you. My own mother could be ultra critical, and I would just say "I do things my way, you do things your way, it doesnt mean either of us is wrong".

It not easy to do, but it is possible, and it means your kids wont be affected by it all.

She probably doesnt mean you are a bad mum at all, but mothers do often have a way of rubbing up their daughters the wrong way, simply because they feel they have the right to say whatever they like, and also because no matter how old you are, you will always be her "child" too.

Some mothers really are toxic though.

I don't mean to be flippant, but do you think the phrase "It takes one to know one" might have an effect on her?

Of course, if I'm talking shite, feel free to ignore me.

You need to take a bit of a break.

Sounds like she is over-involved in your life, is clearly not overly skilled in the motherhood arena herself, and is knocking you down because she can. It's her own guilt and insecurity doing this.

Tell her that you don't like her criticism of you, that it's not helpful, not polite and not even correct. Tell her for that reason it's clear that she needs a break to think about her actions/words and that you need time to gather your energy to help your DC.

You know she is talking rubbish, but the constant drip-drip means that you have no time to recover your self esteem, your self worth, and that she is eroding your confidence every day.

Stop looking for her approval. She won't and can't give it. She can only knock you, not build you up.

yep she needs to have some of her control taken away - find some other childcare and then you won't have to listen to it. She has to learn she can't talk to you like that. It's controlling and a bit bullying in my opinion.