how do i stop dp treating me like a child?

[darleneconnor]

I know it sounds nice to have someone who cooks for you etc but i really feel like me and dps relationship has more of a parent/child dynamic than a couple.

Im disabled so there are restrictions on my abilities but i think he has taken the carer role too far the other way.

It's eating into my confidence having so little control over things in the house.

I feel bad saying this because it is the opposite of what some other mnetters experience.

Ive told him dozens of times that i want to cook for myself but he keeps doing it.

This sounds like a ridiculous thing to be complaining about but i feel like im a teenager living with my mum again!

My friend thinks he's a 'feeder'.

what is a 'feeder'?
i think you need to sit down and tell him that it belittles you to have him taking over the house.
when you explain that its not his fault but that he just makes you feel that way he might understand better.

A 'feeder' is someone who likes their partner overweight for whatever reason (fat fetish or out of insecurity etc) and often sabotages efforts to lose weight in order to keep their partner dependent.

OP, can you go into the kitchen and take over if he starts cooking for you? Or tell him before he starts rattling round in the kitchen that you're in charge of the cooking tonight? Pre-empt him? Since conversations in advance don't seem to have worked, intervene at the time. I think you have to tackle it at the time he starts doing too much/interfering by saying 'actually I want to do that tonight, but thanks'.

Unless you already do and he just overrides you? I guess it depends if he's doing it out of concern or automatically, or whether it's about control.

Are you totally unable to cook? If not it seems a little unfair (on you) that he insists on taking over all the food prep.

I can cook basic/quick things. I'd manage fine on my own,even if it did mean I'd have to eat more 'convenience' food.

He often does it when I'm out the house. ie he'll prepare a meal and leave it out for me to microwave. I don't like having my meal choices decided for me like that but if I dont eat it I feel guilty and ungrateful.

When I'm being less paranoid cynical I think it's his way of showing he cares.

Is your disability caused by being overweight?

No, unrelated.

Tell him you will be choosing and cooking your food tonight (or whenever) and when he says "Tell me what you're having then" tell him you will decide at the very moment you start cooking because that is your right as an adult

And if, after that, he leaves prepared food, feel happy to ignore it because he's clearly disregarding everything you say.

If he leaves out a meal for you to microwave, put it in the freezer and cook whatever you want - and tell him that you fancied something different.
Some people have issues around other people's food intake eg they equate feeding someone with caring for them. Or they have an eating disorder of some kind which they project onto others.
Or they are controlling - food being the most basic human need, controlling what someone eats is a short cut to controlling the whole person.

You need to talk to him calmly about this, explain that it effects your confidence and that it makes you feel more like his responsibility than his partner.

You mention having "so little control over things in the house" is it just the cooking or is he taking over in other ways?

Yes, I wondered that, darlene; does he do this in other ways or is it entirely the food thing?

No, not just the food, it's most things round the house.

Eg he tidies when i'm out then i come home and cant find anything. I apreciate him tidying but it makes me feel that my home isnt my home. I often have to phone him to ask where things are. I dont want to be that dependent on anyone.

Hmm, this doesn;t sound very good. How does he react when you say that you would rather he let you do more?
It may be that he 'just wants to help' but his behaviour is not helpful, and he should listen to you and take on board what you want/
Unfortunately he could be getting off on the idea of your dependence and his own sainthood in looking after you so well.
Do you have HVs/other carers who come to see you? Perhaps you could get one of them, or your GP, to talk to your DP and explain that it's better for you to do things for yourself. A man who means well and is being overprotective may respond better to being told 'officially' that he is overdoing it. If he gets angry with anyone challenging his behaviour or says that you are ungrateful and no one else would put up with you, etc, then that would be a big alarm bell that actually he is controlling and wants to keep you dependent.

Some kind of counselling or mediation might help. Maybe your GP could suggest someone.

It really sounds like the sort of thing a lot of Elderly people complain about, people are really generous and helpful but some of their help isn't really helpful. IYSWIM

Is he still writing about all your "faults" in a noteboook Darlene I remember your posts from a couple of months back.

I think the cooking issue is the least of your problems tbh.

At the very least, he has no respect for your point of view and does treat you like an incompetent.

Afaik, no more notes.

I think from his pov is that it is easier for him to just take over and do everything rather than'fill in the gaps of my abilities', if yswim.

I dont think he's being consciously controlling it's just a habit.

The other day in a shop, though, my top had run up a bit, revealing a tiny bit of midriff. He just yanked it down, right there in the shop, no warning to me! I was fuming.

I remember previous posts of yours re him and I do wonder why you are still with this man. He does not act like a loving partner should do.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I think he also acts like this towards you because he can.

oooh, don't get me started...too late, you already have. I had no idea that I would be so bloody desperate to clean a house. Properly. No idea how I would long to go round a supermarket alone. I am driven deranged with frustration by it, and it does not bloody sodding help having my entire book club saying how bloody marvelous his cake is when it was MY idea, my recipe, he'd never think of doing it but I can't physically do it so have to nag I mean persuade him to do it. Is this inevitable if the dp is the ft carer? My 'counsellor' was useless and remarked (in front of him) that my anger/frustration was 'unattractive' That was 7 yrs ago and I could still slap her! (say no to violence against women)

Darlene, do you get to spend time with other people, without your partner around? Or is he cutting off your access to people on the grounds that you are too ill/helpless?
There's a certain type of nasty, dangerous personality that feeds on being percieved as 'wonderful' and 'caring' by the outside world, but is actually abusive, sometimes very abusive, to the person or people supposedly being cared for. It's about having almost unlimted power over others. This is the personality type that goes into mental health care as a career and seriously abuses the patients because the abuser thinks that no one will believe the 'nutters' if they complain that Mr/Ms Wonderful is hitting them, scaring them or even raping them.
I'm not saying that your partner is a potential rapist, but I do think he sounds very unhealthily keen on the idea of being your owner rather than your partner, and I think you should make sure you have as much contact with other people and as much social interaction as you can manage, preferably without him there all the time. Do not let him isolate you.