I need a reality check

[IAmNotAFool]

OK so I have been with H for 11years and have 2 dcs, both in primary school.
We've had a very hard few years. Him because he didn't want to be a dad, me because I was utterly exhausted.
Nearly split up this autumn but agree to give it another go as he suddenly realized that he didn't want us to get divorced.
So he made some efforts. I made some efforts too. The result is that he is spending more time with us, the atmosphere in the house is better.

But.... I don't seem to be able to trust he will be there for me and the dcs, that he has really changed in effect. In the last few weeks, there has been little things that have made me wondered if all these 'improvements' were not just a facade iyswim.
I've been ill with D&V. He was there with me when I got sick. H promptly left the room (we were the the bathroom) and didn't come back, even to check how I was doing until he went to bed, a good 3 hours later (by which time, i was asleep).
Then the other day, we were nearly running out of milk. He helped himslef with milk to take to work and expected the dcs to make do with less milk in their porridge (so less breakfast for them). Now the thing is, he normally always prepare 'his milk' after breakfast so that was an intentional action to ensure he was going to have he wanted, despite the fact his children would be missing out.

But am I right to be expect him to, at least, check on me after I was sick (I do realize it's not a pretty sight and might wanted to stay when I was actually been sick) and to put his dc first and him after (He could have taken some powdered milk or stop in the way to work, well at least, that's how I see things).
What do you tink?

On their own, the two things don't seem that bad to me. A bit selfish on the milk front, but couldn't the kids have had something other than porridge?

But it's in the context of the whole relationship, I guess...

Kind of thing my ex would have done and he was a selfish, entitled twat, not the milk though, kids always came first with him, just me he couldn't stand,

Can you tell us a bit more?

some people arent very good around sickness

but i would have had a moan about taking the milk - what did he say when you queried it?

Yes it is an issue of context. I guess I am looking for signs that he has actually changed his ways (ie he does actually want to spend time with me and the dcs, something he did not want to do until now - he did agree that it was the case).
I know that being around someone who is sick isn't nice so I can understand that he went out of the room. However, I was dripping wet (He knew that), not well at all and I do see the fact that he didn't bother to check I was OK once I was in bed as a sign he doesn't quite care.

Same with the milk and the dcs. I didn't say anything. If I had, he would have gone in a sulk, not said anything or said that I took things the wrong way or did give them some milk whilst making clear I was unreasonnable. but I did take that as a sign that, deep down, he still doesn't quite want to be around them.

Agree it is not about what we could have done - plenty of other solutions like toast etc... It's the fact he did it with the hope I/dcs would not notice it iyswim.

It is after several years where he always came first before me or the dcs. Lots of occasions, inclusing him refusing that the dcs changed school (serious problems with dc2 at that school) because 'if we do that, then we won't be able to move to another house as it would mean them changing school again. Being able to move is more important'. It took me a year and very serious discussions to 'impose' him to do that (which turns out to be the best we have done for the dcs).
So yes I am loking at the little signs that things have really changed.

Yes, he sounds like a selfish, entitled twat tbh and sorry ime people like this rarely change just be on their best behaviour until they are back "in".

My ex treated me like that once when I had norovirus just stepped over me to use the bathroom facilities then left me to it. Never been as ill as that in my life.

If you are having so many doubts and having to search to see change then there isn't any or not enough anyway.

I think the telling thing is that he never wanted children. He sounds self centred and I doubt he is going to change.

I agree that he isn't going to change. I also know so well the little signs that indicate something is very wrong - one example that happened with ex is when I was just leaving for a long motorway journey and he slammed the door loudly on the car. Might seem nothing to anybody else but we both knew that this would wake the children who were asleep for the journey. It did wake the children, and it was a hellish journey. I know of another woman who left her husband because she caught him having a quick drink at the bar before he was due to drive the family a long way - his only protest was that he was caught, didn't occur to him that he was jeopardiing his familys' lives. Both of these look like small things but we know when they are signs that all isn't well. I agree with you about leaving you for 3 hours when you were ill, also taking the milk when he knew full well the children wouldn't get a proper breakfast. He sounds like a brat and I doubt he will change. You have to decide if you can live with a brat OP because I doubt it will significantly change.

Thank you all.
Sometimes, I am wondering if I make things more important than they are so it is ice to have other people point of view.

The worst thing is that I know that if I mention divorce again, he will say that he has done lots of efforts, what else do I want him to do?. Not looking forward to that.

Don't you have a nearby milk shop, or were you too ill to get there? Do you think he'd have understood why it was such a problem for you, as it's so easily done...?

i think i would be inclined to challenge such behavour. if it was me i would have asked in a non threatning way what it was he was doing last night that was so interesting or important that he could not have at least just poped in to check on you.

He sounds like a complete shit. THe milk thing is really childish and nasty - deliberately bagging the spare milk so his DC go without, when he could have got some more milk on his way to work is pretty horrible. People who are this selfish don't change.
You dont need his permission to divorce him, BTW.