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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't keep building him up

9 replies

Valiant1 · 30/03/2011 08:49

ok some background DH and i have 3dc and DH has a grown up DD that lives with us. I have spent the last three years training as a teaching assitant and DH has worked full time to pay the bills. With all the goverment cuts I am still jobless and to top it off DH lost his job on the 31st of Dec! we are on JSA and were enjoying our time together. I found out in Feb i was pregnant a total shock very not planned but am slowly coming round. any way DH fine with the pregnancy its just he is sooo low. he has no hobbies he doesn't go out so has no friends he goes to the football with our DS and his DD. All the post comes to me and all the phone calls come to me it's so not my fault but the i keep getting the coments like "i am shrinking away into non existance" i am a nobody" I have tried to boost him up with all the nice things to say like no you not you should be gratefull the bils are coming to me you are a kept man for a change lol etc. It has come to a point where yesterday i was in bed (BAD BACK) and he sat playing with the lego and i asked if he ok and i get one word answers "fine" So this morning i asked him what he wanted to do his answer was to walk to the shopping site in the next city so i was like "its a bit far duck would take about an hour" now i am the reason he not 'exersising' and he a "fat blob" his words not mine he walking round the house gripping and snapping at me........am ready to........ i do not know what to do i have a go back i feel bad i feel guilty as he has suported me through so much and now i just can't help him.. SORRY i just do not know what to do.

OP posts:
zikes · 30/03/2011 08:53

Will he see a doctor?

Bonsoir · 30/03/2011 08:53

What is your DH doing to find a new job? He needs to work full-time at finding a job ASAP - you need the money and he needs the recognition.

mumblechum1 · 30/03/2011 08:54

God, he'd drive me nuts too.

He can't just sit around if he's unemployed. His day should consist of:

  1. At least 1 to 2 hours active job hunting, ie sending out CVs, seeing recruitment consultants etc
  1. 1 Hour exercise, (he may get free passes for swimming), if not brisk walk or something
  1. 1 Hour doing housework/childcare type stuff
  1. 2 to 3 hours voluntary work.

It does sound from your post like he's depressed,but tbh if he goes to the GP the first thing they'll suggest is that he gets ;more exerciise and does something useful with his time.

Original poster
Valiant1 · 30/03/2011 09:01

He won't go the gym on his own i know he is sad he has been looking for work i going drag him to a jobcenter intervew thingy on monday a skill think he has been a mechanic during the day a retainer fire fighter at night then his 1st wife droped dead (literally) took time off to look after his daughter then he went to work for Shell and was there for 11 years, so has retail and mechanic skills but is playing the i'm too old now card he is 41, now i am getting you would be better off alone grrrrrr i going stab him with a pen in a min .......

OP posts:
Original poster
Valiant1 · 30/03/2011 09:06

Am going out before i murder him will speak too him about counciling i think he needs it too see one .

OP posts:
diddl · 30/03/2011 09:08

He should be looking for work, of course.

But would him walking to the shopping centre really be such a problem?

GnomeDePlume · 30/03/2011 11:13

Valiant1 - I havent walked a mile in your shoes but I am now walking in your DH's shoes. I'm in my 40s and am being made redundant.

What has happened to your DH is a huge kick in the ego. Up until now he has been the provider. He has supported you to do what you want. Now you need to support him to help him find out what he is going to do next. I am luck I am going through an outplacement programme. Is there anything like that available to your DH? One of the things I have found helpful is talking to other people in the same boat as me. That has helped me to see that I havent failed personally.

Help your DH to get whatever help is available to him. I dont think that comments about him being a 'kept man' are particularly helpful or respectful. Has he called you a 'kept woman' for the past three years? I would be extremely upset if my DH made such comments to me.

GnomeDePlume · 30/03/2011 12:48

Another thought OP - you said that 'we are on JSA' so does that mean you are claiming? If so, are you also following the steps detailed by Mumblechum1?

Original poster
Valiant1 · 30/03/2011 17:10

Yes have soooo many different meetings to see how i can use my skills its hard work to keep up with what i have done and i have taken a day out and total see that i need to suport him. Sat on a bus most of the day thinking. I am hoping Monday will help going to the review to see what he can do there is things like jet who help people back to work by giving them confidance boosts. I guess this morning i was just been selfish i have appolgised and walking wouldn't have hurt no. thanx for the replys x

OP posts:
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