How do you cope with inlaws?

[neptunesdaughter]

I used to get on with my inlaws well. They weren't my favourite people in the world as we are just very different - I find them very cold and uptight whereas my family is large, loud and loving. But we got along ok and I spent some nice times with them.

But since having my DD 5 months ago I find myslelf actually hating them. More my MIL than FIL (he is a bit too much under the thumb to be that annoying). She is controlling, critical, overbearing and seems to think she should be the centre of attention. It would take too long to go into all the details but I will say that from the first day they came to stay 3 days after my baby was born and the day after I got home from hospital at 9pm the night before (oh yes, they refused to go to a hotel), she has tried to take my daughter off me, tell me what to do and what is supposedly best for my DD, try to stop me breastfeeding so she could feed her (I didn't stop and am now determined to carry on as long as possible).

Luckily they don't live near but they then came for a week at Christmas when DD was about 6 weeks old and it was the worst time of my life. I cried every day and wanted to run away. They have just visited again and I have realised that I can't bear her being near my baby. It makes me physically sick. She takes her off me and expects me to wait on her hand and foot whilst she ignores me and criticises everything I do via my DH.

DH thinks I'm being silly and says that MIL doesn't mean any harm, but she is awful!

I'm not sure I will ever want her near my baby and I definitely never want to leave her with them - they have no respect for me which I find upsetting and infuriating.

Have any of you ever felt like this about your inlaws (or anyone) and how do you cope/did cope with it? Did the feelings ever go away?

You poor love. That is way too soon to have inlaws to stay, just after a baby. I can hardly tolerate any guests for a week, they're like fish, go off after two days.

I think you really need to get your dh to see things from your point of view, and have him back you up when you tell mil to butt out, and you will have to tell her to, in the nice, smiley way of imparting final news brooking no argument.

Why the hell should you have to cater to them as well as such a young child. If she was actually a great help, I can see the point. Is there anything you could use her for when she visits, like ironing? Tell her that would be so much more appreciated.

My friend has a Mil like this, although she isn't married to her dp. All the pain with none of the legal protection. He is a mummy's boy and won't stand up to her, friend said it will break them up eventually.

Tell your dh, you are now a mum, you now know what is best for your child, and if he wants his parents to visit, and stay, it is for two days max, or whatever you can cope with, and what you say re the baby is the law. Otherwise, she doesn't get to stay.

It is very common. I had similar problems with my mil. I coped it with it by spending as little time as possible with her and allowing her to spend a lot of time with ds without me being there. As ds1 got older she became less intrusive and more helpful. Unfortunately since ds2 has been born we have drifted apart again. It is quite obvious that she doesn't like me and doesn't like my parenting style.

I think it must be hard on you because you have to have them staying with you. I think your dh has to take control of the situation and if her behaviour is unacceptable let her know it is.

Before we had children we saw them every 4 weeks or so, once we had a child they expected us to spend one whole day with them every weekend. Dh had to explain that as we are both busy we can't spend a whole day with them, we told them that we could visit them for a couple of hours a week or if they wanted longer with ds they were welcome to visit us and take him off our hands for a few hours. It seemed to work.

With in-laws, your own mother... whoever, you have to just set your boundaries. You can't physically take a baby off someone who will not let it go, so next time just hold onto the baby, look her in the eye and say no.

Ignore any critisisms or answer them lightheartedly "gosh yes, I'm such terrible mother!" or even my favourite "yeah, I know what you mean, but I do it this way".

Its easy to feel overwhelmed when you are immediately post-natal but it sounds like your Momma bear is getting really fired up about your MIL now. There's no problem with being firm and a bit abrupt, she'll soon get the message that you're the boss. Better than feeling like crap and risking an emotional outburst!

You poor thing. Your MIL sounds a bit of a nightmare, to be honest. I found my PILs absolutely impossible to deal with after my DS1 was born, but it did get better as the children grew up, if that gives you any hope. For me, it didn't help that I had a sleepless baby and was suffering PND. I was also trying really hard to be a good mother - well, a perfect one, actually (took me a while to realise that wasn't possible ). My PILs seemed contemptuous of my attempts to be a good mum. I remember my FIL dismissing something I'd said about childrearing with the words, "I suppose you've been reading those flippin' experts again, haven't you?"

I was so tired, depressed and anxious that I took everything to heart. MIL was always bundling up DS in extra layers to keep him warm, whilst I was unwrapping him again and worrying about over-heating and cot death. She kept giving me clothes for the baby, but they were all things that she would have bought for her own baby in the 1960s and either not my choice or dangerous, in my opinion (little nightdresses with long ties on the necks, for instance ). For her, this grandson was her chance to relive the favourite part of her life and, looking back, it must have been hard for her to come to terms with the fact that this was not her baby, but mine.

I think that the first year or so is incredibly hard. I wish people had just been more supportive to me at the beginning, instead of criticising my choices. What I needed - and what you need - is practical, non-judgemental help. I really understand your feelings of possessiveness towards your daughter when your MIL is trying to take her over. But you really needn't worry about that. She doesn't stand a chance.

It's appalling that your MIL is criticising you via her husband. But she is the one who is going to lose out, in the end. Could your husband say anything to her when she next does it? Maybe in a light-hearted, rather than confrontational, way? It's no good your DH saying you are being 'silly'. That is incredibly unhelpful - it's belittling you and not facing up to the problems with his mum. He just wants to avoid a confrontation, doesn't he? His mum doesn't sound like the easiest person to deal with.

To return to your last question - did the feelings ever go away? Well, yes, things did get better. We moved further away, so couldn't see so much of the ILs anyway - that helped. MIL still indicated her disapproval over some of my choices (eg she hated me training as a childminder because she thought it was unfair on DS), but I became more confident and more relaxed about my choices, so I didn't bristle so much at her criticisms. Nowadays, I am much more able to see how good she can be for the boys (I have two now). She brings them presents (including too many sweets and chocolates - another on-going issue!) and she likes to spoil them. I am not a 'new mum' anymore, so she can't really tell me how to do things and act as if she is the expert. And, most importantly, even though my sons love her, there is no doubt that they really, really love me and need me more because I'm their mum. Nobody can threaten that.

I think you should distance yourself from your ILs for these precious early months. Why should your early months with your daughter be ruined by your MIL's overbearing nature and insensitivity? She is not giving you any support at all. In time, you may feel less upset by your MIL's behaviour - maybe even able to laugh at it - and then you won't mind seeing her so much. But I wouldn't do a week at Christmas again, if I were you! That was obviously too long. My own mum wouldn't stay for that long in case she outstays her welcome and I love her to bits! Two days is probably quite long enough for most visitors.

And it would help if your DH was a bit more understanding about it too, although I can understand that he feels that he is stuck in the middle.

Thank you so much for your replies it helps to know that I'm not abnormal to feel this way. I've been taken aback at how I've reacted to it all and how protective I am of my DD.

She is their first grandchild so I understand they are excited but MIL expecially has taken it too far.

I suppose I do have an irrational fear that she wants to take my baby away - she is always trying to get rid of me by suggesting I 'go out', but not my DH, so it would be me on my own out somewhere! I have refused to so far, and can because I'm bf and DD won't take a bottle (she will sometimes actually but I'm not telling her that!). Thank you Toffefudgecake for your reassurance that my DD will want to be with me because I am her Mum. I think you are also right about confidence - although I'm happy with how DD is and how I am coping, it is difficult when someone is constantly criticising/commenting about what you are doing and trying to take over. I need to learn to brush off her comments and be confident I'm doing the right thing for my baby - and I mean my baby!

I'm also hopeful that these feelings will lessen with time. I think my hope is that my SIL might have a baby in the next couple of years and although they live in the US, my MIL will be more involoved as this will be her daughter having the baby. I guess I'm from a very close family and even though my Mum is much older and can't be around due to ill health, my older sisters are propbably a bit intimidating so perhaps she feels a bit distanced and that she can't talk to me. I do hate the way she says everything through my DH though.

And yes, he does need to grow a pair! I really hope her starts to understand how I feel and support me.

thank goodness that there is no next visit planned - I'm going to fill up every weekend for the next few months so they can't come bak!

Hi there Neptune - I am a MIL and and a grandmother. I am in no sense at all attempting to excuse your MIL - she is just way way over the top and overbearing. I was a young mum over 40 years ago and my MIL who I'd got along with ok before my first baby, became very bossy and was always telling me what to do with the baby. I didn't need this because I had my own mom and 3 older sisters all with young children and like yours we were a close family. I too hated my MIL to feed my baby and was so irritated by her whereas I hadn't felt that before the baby.

I think it is always a shock to us to find we feel this massive protection for our babies, I certainly felt shocked and delighted of course. I think something happens to new grandparents especially the women. They sort of want to re-live the time when they were in love with their own baby. I think someone else has mentioned this. I found this when myfirst gr/dgt arrived but I had and still do have a brilliant r/ship with my dil (she's the daughter I nevr had) BUT I vowed all those years ago whenmy MIL was bossing me, that I would never be like that and I have kept to my pledge. In any even all my dils (I have 3) are more than capable of caring for their children (as are my sons) and child rearing has changed so much in the last 30/40 years. I am lucky in that 2 of my dils live relatively near and have always been very generous in letting us see out gr/chrn as often as we wanted. One family lives a long way away so it is a bit different.

I do actually understand why your MIL wants the baby "on her own" - I used to like that too with my first gr/dgtr because it makes you feel a bit like you did when your baby was that little and brings back that lovely time. However I would never have asked for this, it's just that my son and dil were so generous and let us have out granddght almost every Sunday at our house. Once she bumped her head on the corner of a table and I was so worried but my dil was lovely and said "oh she'll get a few more of those I'm sure"

I think older women like your MIL feel a bit inadequate with their dils and when the baby comes along they feel "Ah this is something I know all about and I will teach her"----I honestly don't think they realise how annoying this can be. They are usually women who are unfulfilled in life and without many friends. Oh god writing this takes me back to hating watching my MIL feed my first born.............to be honest it does get better with time. As more children came along, she was far less interested and I stayed on good terms with her throughout her life. She was essentially a kind woman but the birth of her firts grandchild turned her into a different person. I think you will find this will happen in your case.

There is a book called "The birth of a Mother" and there should be one called "The birth of a grandmother" - maybe I should write one!

Agree with others to set boundaries and say something that will give her the message without being confrontational. I think someone gave you some good tips and there is "oh really, things have changed a lot these days" "is that what you think" etc but don't seeth inside as this is no good for you and may end in a huge argument which will be upsetting for everyone.

Make the same pledge that I did over 40 years ago -I'm proud to say I stuck to it. Please don't let this prevent you from those precious first months with your baby.

Just had another thought Neptune - I'm sure your MIL will be far more interested in her daughter's baby - great pity they live in another country. Be prepared for "wellxxxxxxxxdoes it this with her baby" etc etc.!!

My MIL was pretty grim with my first child - her 1st gc. At the Christening she wouldn't let me hold my son at all, and went around saying that he looks just like her son, and nothing like me. Her relatives were soo embarrassed about her, and apologised to me. I kept well out of her way after that.

I feel your pain. My inlaws came to stay for 2 weeks when my DD was a week old. How I didn't end up up killing MIL god only knows. Same sort of things as you're going through. And yes, my DP was a fat lot of good at the time too. "It's her first grandchild ffs! she's excited, it's a special time for her!" Uh, yeah I know. It's my first baby it's a pretty special time for me too.

You need to stand your ground. I did and not only did I feel much better about myself I felt a helluva lot more confident dealing with other interfering old buggers well meaning and over bearing individuals. You don't have to be rude (although it is tempting) just firm. "No, you don't need to hold baby now, she's having a cuddle with her mummy". just keep saying no. What's the worst she can do? Be a rude arsehole to you and make an utter tit out of herself? Let her. It'll get easier to deal with her in time.

When I had ds, if anyone ever said "doesn't he look like shimmery??" my MIL would say, "no I'm sorry but I just can't see it!" she was one for trying to go off with him refusing to give him back when upset etc. With dd, who is me in minature she remained stonily silent if anyone suggested we looked alike. I learned my lesson after ds and just refused to go over there anymore, also dd b/f till 14 months so couldn't go on the over nighters she wanted her to. Honestly though I second the poster who says simply refuse to hand him over when she tries to take him. I refused to argue with her just did what I wanted with my dc with steely determination and it really did work, she is a lot less domineering now. No use arguing about it, that just heightens emotions and gives her something to have a grievance about. Steely silence and determination all the way!

Next time she suggests going out - go - and take dd with you.

In fact, beat her to it and just announce that you and dd are going out for the day, and leave IL behind with DH to have nice parents and son bonding time while you and baby have a nice day together...

more you do this and dd isn't around for her to control adore, less likely she is to come and stay for so long