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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so how long after he had left did you find out it was for another women??

24 replies

lifeshock · 29/03/2011 14:59

Basically me and my husband have been split nearly three months now. His leaving was completely out of the blue I thought we were really happy. Anyway I am still convinced there is someone else involved. So much so it is driving me a little bit crazy. I have asked him and he has denied it. In a way I would like it to be so (sounds mad) I know but at least there would be a reason why he left me and the kids.
How can I find the truth out, just want some answers, how did other people find out??

OP posts:

Icandothis · 29/03/2011 15:09

Between 3 & 5 mths depending on how you count it. He left initially saying it would be a temp separation, then came back after a month (at my insistence as I felt he was having best of both worlds), stayed 4 weeks and then left again. 3 months after the second time, I found out he had been having an affair.

Like you, I thought it would be better to know that there is a real reason. It was for me and allowed me to begin the detachment process.

Deliainthemaking · 29/03/2011 15:09

private investigator?

Zellys · 29/03/2011 15:12

He got another girlfriend suspiciously quickly (having said he was incapable of maintaining a relationship, needed to sort his head out blah blah). I was the one who physically left, but he'd left emotionally - and let me know, "I'm only here because I feel I should be" etc etc - months before.

I only had 100% confirmation 18 months later. Found out while stalking her on facebook that he'd taken her to a wedding in Edinburgh while telling me he was there on business :(

Original poster

lifeshock · 29/03/2011 15:14

God some men are just such cowards, it would be far less, hurtful and deceitful if they came clean. Leaves you in such a limbo otherwise. I feel if I found out what was going on I could get some closure on it all

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ChessyEvans · 29/03/2011 15:22

Mine was only a boyfriend, not husband, but I was suspicious and logged into his email account to see emails between them only a few weeks after we split, it was enough to convince me that it was going on while we were still together or at least that was the reason for the split. Do you have login details etc that you can check?

Original poster

lifeshock · 29/03/2011 15:22

No always knew each others passwords but he changed his just after we split

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mouseface · 29/03/2011 18:57

Some men don't leave unless there is a nice warm bed waiting for them.

mouseface · 29/03/2011 19:03

The above should read 'and women', sorry.

Some partners will instigate a split to put the guilt onto the other person, so they can leave feeling less guilty, and move on with a hidden affair.

Unless he tells you or you see it, I'm not sure how you'd know.

bristolcities · 29/03/2011 19:38

I was 3 months pregnant at the time he left. Found out when DS was about 2 weeks old, we had been back together for a month and a half...MUG!!!

bristolcities · 29/03/2011 19:40

Oh when she messaged me to tell me they were still sleeping together and in her own words had 'slept with him hundreds of times before and after the baby' oh the lovely lady did me a huge favour.

Original poster

lifeshock · 29/03/2011 20:26

God to go through all that when you are pregnant think that some men and women always think that the grass is greener. Are you happy now?

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bristolcities · 29/03/2011 20:40

I am just so thankful I didn't know until after my son had been born. I know that with a bit of Internet snooping I would have found out a lot sooner but like I said I am so so glad I didn't. Yeah the thing is I think I came to realise that there was no point delving in to it because there is no rational answer. But i came to that conclusion after a very long time of trying to find out every sordid detail, I needed to know every thing.

And guess what he later admitted that he was in fact just having a wobble and begged me to take him back, cried, the whole works. Luckily I was strong enough by then to tell him it was to late.

The place you are at is horrible, like limbo. I remember having a nagging feeling that something was wrong and was dreading finding out but actually the anticipation of how I would feel was far far worse than actually knowing.

Good luck, I hope your instinct is wrong and that you find out either way soon. x

Wilkoa · 29/03/2011 20:56

Got married after 5 years together, tried for a baby straight away. He already had a daughter from a previous relationship who I helped parent as she lived with us half the time.

Got pregnant within a few months, a few months after that he started detaching from me to the extent that I left to move in with my parents the week I was due as life at home was so awful. He could never tell me what was wrong, I thought it because of the baby, he dumped me on the phone 2 days after I left, a week before I had DS.

4 Months passed, it nagged away at me, still no answers, decided to snoop -yes did a stake out at his house - saw a (former) close friend of mine, his best friends fiance leave his in the early morning. NICE WORK!!!!

He has still never said a word, but admitted it on the divorce papers. Pair of sickos. I HAD to find out as it was driving me crazy, and now I know, it wasn't my fault, he is just a weak, weak man. It really hurt to find out, and took me quite a few steps back but its now propelling me forward. All my family suspected it, even I did, but couldn't admit it to myself or face the possibility until I felt a bit stronger. Nor could I bear to hear anyone else voice their suspicions.

And guess what - I hear they are now having problems as she wants to leave the city and move to where no one knows what's happened - but he won't leave his daughter. Gutted for them.

bristolcities · 29/03/2011 21:12

It happens so often with pregnant partners or new baby's. I read an article that said it is the most likely time to happen. I guess they are no longer the centre of attention and need some one else to make them feel admired and alive again, an ego boost. It's rarely if ever about sex.

Original poster

lifeshock · 29/03/2011 21:14

a stakeout sounds like fun might try it although have to get a friend to come with me....

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bristolcities · 29/03/2011 21:19

I did this with my friend and her ex. Loads of magazines and chocolate, made for a fun day out lol.

HanBanan · 29/03/2011 21:28

They officially got together 2 months after split, but am sure they were having an affair. Never found out for sure. In the long run she did me a favour as he was very abusive

Wilkoa · 29/03/2011 21:29

I gave him everything, and treated his daughter as my own. Our family was so important to me, but not to him obviously. Perhaps one day he'll realise what he gave up, but then hopefully I won't care less!

Yes friend is required, to stop you jumping out of the car and confronting them if nothing else!

sparkleshine · 29/03/2011 21:39

I'm going through this at the moment.
DP has announced that he doesn't love me the same way anymore...after 10 years.
There was a bit of an episode just over a month ago with texts between him and another woman, though they were clean and 'just friends' type of texts. Even posted on here about my devestation. Asked him to explain himself which he gladly did, said they are just friends. In a way I believe him and even though there is never a type not to cheat, which I thought he wasn't....something still niggles away at me.
We are currently still living together though not in what you would call a relationship. It's hard....but would be easier if I knew what was going on, if anything.
DS and I are moving to my mums soon, once things are sorted.....just I think his head has been turned and he's been flattered and tempted...not sure.

Original poster

lifeshock · 30/03/2011 09:51

God it is the not knowing that drives you crazy
One of the real reasons other than my sanity I would like to know is because I earn a lot more than him, the kids live with me so when we are sorting out our finances I would inclined to be a lot less generous.
If he left because he is depressed and in a mess with his head then feel a bit sorry for him
If he left because he is seeing somebody else then want to make sure he doesn't touch my money.
Sparkleshine - sorry for what you are going through it is a horrible place to be

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callow · 30/03/2011 10:19

My ex told me on a Good Friday that he wanted to separate. He insisted (looking back - too much) that there was no one else involved. We did get back together for a time but separated again in November.

It was only in August the following year that he confessed that he had an affair. He was completely drunk at the time (due to the fact that they had broken up) so probably forgets he told me. Even then I could see him working out in his head the start date of the affair so it didn't happen till after he left me.

Looking back I can see all the signs that the affair probably started a few months before he first told me he wanted to separate. If I had known about the affair at first I would never have taken him back. I did later feel disgusted at the things I did to try and win him over.

Changing2011 · 30/03/2011 12:58

Three days. We worked together - he turned up at work holding hands with a colleague of mine! Nice! He moved her into our flat the next week!

Downunderdolly · 30/03/2011 13:06

Still not confirmed but about 7 months. Husband left a week into IVF and 8 weeks after we decided to end a pregnancy due to health reasons. I thought we were happy (but had shocking year, due to a further ectopic pregnancy) and loved me. He left, all my fault, no-one else, my behaviour, my fault, my doing, my fault as I was suspicious about multiple texts to a work colleague over the previous year or so, I was insane etc etc.....fast forward to financial disclosures to sort out our finances......VERY expensive meals at VERY romantic restaurants (bill looks like for 2), Valentine's day, flowers, seafood and alcohol bought in the City (a flight away) that 'suspicious woman' lives, and TOTAL lie about NYEve...he said he was flying to an old friends for party and could I have our DS (it was his w/end to have him just after we split up) told stories to our son about the weather there the people there on the phone during his visit..."Daddy is coming home on aeroplane etc"....bank statement showed he was in our City, taking someone out for b/fast, lunch, dinner. oh and all this when I have been selling baby items on ebay to buy food. ARSE. (sorry its a bit raw).

Original poster

lifeshock · 30/03/2011 13:13

how bloody awful poor you, god its a wonder anybody ever trusts anybody.

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