Sticking up for himself

[plopplopquack]

My DH is lovely but he doesn't stick up for himself with his family. I can't stand it as they trample all over him (not literally!) and I don't think they treat him right. They dismiss his feelings about important issues and blame him for things which aren't his fault.

He knows that I feel he should be more assertive with them but he seems to think that the options are to either be completely passive or really agressive and fall out with everyone. He doesn't see the inbetween.

Because he doesn't assertive himself with things at the start it often escalates. For example a while ago his dad asked for a lift home from somewhere and DH told his dad that he wouldn't fit in the car as it had 3 child seats in (with children in so couldn't be removed). His dad insisted though but when he couldn't actually physically fit in the car he got really angry with DH and blamed him (huh?). When his dad got home by different methods we were already there and everyone had a go at us. For once I stood up for DH and said that it wasn't our fault he didn't fit in the car and that we had told him he wouldn't and he should have just listened. That shut everyone up!

I don't normally intervene as DH likes to handle things himself but that results in us being blamed for everything and lots of resentment!

Your DH must stick up for himself. One doesnt have to be rude or insulting; just be assertive and firm . Your DH must stand his ground and say he is not prepared to be spoken to like that, etc,. . .
I have found recently, when my Dad was very ill in hospital, my sister and my mother used me as the family scape goat. I have finally stuck up for myself and it has made them both think twice before putting me down, putting me in my place; and being rude to me for no reason.
It did cause a massive row, many a time, but at least now they know where they stand. They know I will not tolerate their bad behaviour anymore.
You are good to stand up for your DH and maybe with your example he will feel safe enough to do the same.

Skifit Thanks for your reply. Why do you think they suddenly started blaming you for things or had it always been a bit like that? I'm more then happy to stand up for DH but the problem is that when people are horrible I'm so shocked that my brain doesn't work quickly enough to say how I feel. I need time to proccess it usually and then it's hard to bring it up later as the moment has passed. Also his family can be very spikey and hard to deal with. They get quiet horrible if anyone disagrees with them and I feel intimidated (so can understand why DH does too).

yes same here I have never been very good at thinking quickly at the time. Just stand your ground when they dont like what they hear.

Be assertive saying"No. I am sorry but we dont know want to do that " and just be a stuck record saying "No". Ignore being made to feel guilty if they try that one. You dont need to give reasons for not doing what they want; and say so too.
Most importantly do not worry about falling out with them (in laws) , because in the end they will respect you and your DH for being assertive and saying "No". You are not children, you are adults too , they do not dominate you and Dh anymore. You are in control of your decisions and actions. If they want to go off huffing and puffing, so be it. Let them.

They do sulk yes. BIL uses it at an excuse to score browny points as well which really grates!

They recently wanted my DH to do them a favour. It meant driving to drop some things off for an elderly relative and they didn't want to do it as they wanted to get drunk instead and then have a lay-in. My DH would normally do it (he loves the relative) but on this occassion couldn't as I had a hospital appointment which I really needed to go to, so he had to be at home with the children. My god the sulking! MIL walking around with stroppy face on, FIL with angry face and BIL saying "well you know I'D do it but I've got to work" with smug face.

How do I make him stand up for himself though? I've talked about it so much with him but he says that it's up to him if he doesn't which of course is true.

Unfortunately, we are moulded into the way we are from childhood conditioning, to a certain extent.
Look at me, bossed about by an older sister who told me what to do. Same with my mother, intolerant, bossy, uncaring and critical. ...and so the pattern continues. Except now I stand up to them when they try to put me in my place. You cant do it for your DH , it has to come from him. Just support him and gives him love and praise when you see a glimpse of him standing up to them all.

I think he learnt as a child to keep everyone else happy (something I can relate to but have overcome). His dad is very critical of him and I can see that it's really affected his confidence.

His Dad , like my mum has not been good for him. Its not good for your self esteem. As a result you think you deserve to be treated as if you have no rights and are not important .

Good for you for learning to stick up for yourself! I have as well but how do I convince my DH that he needs to do this as well. He honestly thinks that it's better to keep it all bottled up and not say how he feels. He doesn't want the confrontation and arguments and thinks that is worse for his health then letting them walk all over him.