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Original poster

how to be friendly with other childrens parents on school run!

51 replies

chumble · 29/03/2011 14:48

DS is at school and has been for two years. I am on talking/chatting terms with all of the mums except a couple who for some reason or other don't want to talk/chat or exchange the time of day at drop off or pick up.

Ds is starting to play with the children of these mums and I would like to be on talking terms with their parents at least! How can I achieve this?

I know it may sound strange but I have tried smiling and general chat during the first year and this did not seem to work so now I have given up. However I realise that our children will share the same class for several years to come it would be nice to at least acknowledge each other! Or should I just accept it how it is and let things develop 'naturally'! I just find it all very uncomfortable.....

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

WhatsWrongWithYou · 29/03/2011 14:54

I'm rubbish at this as well, but when DS1 was small I'd start by inviting his favoured friend around for a play - meant pretty much barging up to his mum and introducing myself in a 'sorry to barge up like this, but.. ' way.
(Assuming you'd be happy to have DS' friends to play).

Sometimes you just have to force the issue if people aren't particularly receptive; eventually you should find people you could count as friends or at least pleasant acquaintances.

Is this not the done thing at your school? Can't really tell from your post whether they're friendly with each other or whether it's a general frostiness that exists.

TobyLerone · 29/03/2011 14:56

Ugh, I hate the school run. Nobody speaks to me, ever. But they all have their little cliques, so it's not like they don't speak to anyone.

Mind you, I've never gone out of my way to be friends with any of the school mums.

Hullygully · 29/03/2011 14:57

If you were really really drop dead brave, you could ask the school secretary to send an email to all YR1 (?) parents with your email for answers suggesting all meeting for coffee or a drink. Bet some would be up for it.

Original poster

chumble · 29/03/2011 16:34

Thanks for replies.

General frostiness from a couple of mums in DS year and people I suppose who see you one day and say hello and then another day you are invisible too.

I guess I wanted to be 'friendly' for sake of DC who play together as we will be seeing each other at the school for a long time. Not expecting life long friendships!

OP posts:

upahill · 29/03/2011 17:20

I wouldn't bother to be honest.
Ds2 finishes primary school this year and I didn't make friends with any of them.
He has plenty of friends and he stops over at his mates and they stop here but I have plenty of friends - just not from the school run!

transferbalance · 29/03/2011 17:22

yes, very cliquey at my school too

don't care though

thisishowifeel · 29/03/2011 20:01

These people are SOOOOOO bloody rude aren't they? I have quite some years experience of playground politics now, and at a number of schools.

There are always those that, for some reason best known to themselves, only seem to be able to see certain people and not others.

It's THEIR problem. They are rude, immature and have no social skills. You are better off NOT having them in your lives. And don't anyone say the word "shy" because I don't buy that for a moment. They are rude. End of.

And remember, the only thing you really have in common is that your dc's go to the same school. How many of your school mates are you still friends with?

WhatsWrongWithYou · 29/03/2011 20:11

I also have several years' experience hanging around the school gates and various playgroups and nurseries. Tbh, I've mainly had the same experience as thisis, but there have been exceptions, and it's a shame to discount everyone because some people are rude.

There definitely are rude people who have selective eyesight/memory, and if that's your feeling and you have plenty of friends already, follow thisis' advice and don't bother with them.

If you're like I've always been, newish to the area and not many pals around, make some sort of effort before you write it off as a bad job.

Original poster

chumble · 30/03/2011 14:04

Thanks for replies.

I do find it strange that some people have 'selective' vision. It does seem silly tbh.

OP posts:

upahill · 30/03/2011 15:03

I am probably one of the ones that you are talking about when you refer to selective vision.

One massive advantage of not being 'friends' with DC friends mums is that you are not involved when they fall out.
I have seen at least three school made friendship get really stuck and uncomfortable because the children fell out.

If you are neutral you don't get dragged in the same.
I am not rude or stand offish to other parents, I get and send Christmas cards to them and I have phone conversations about who is going where and so on BUT my friends are from other places IYSWIM.

dignified · 31/03/2011 09:47

I think i might be one of the parents your talking about . I dont want to chat to all the other parents every day , i just want to drop , pick up , and get going , ive got stuff to do . Having to hello and goodby to 100 + people every time you enter the yard gets a bit draining to be honest.

I never snub people , but i do find the whole expectation of making freinds at school a bit tiresome , why do people expect this , ive seen lots of threads like this .

easycomeeasygo · 31/03/2011 10:03

I wouldn't bother either, i've learned my lesson. I'm really friendly, not the most outgoing of people but i'm easy to get on with. There was a group (a clique i suppose) of us moms, we used to do coffee at each others houses, go out once a month for a meal etc...all the kids got on but they had their off days, but one of the moms in particular was the type that her kids couldn't ever do any wrong...it was always someone else fault. She was and still is a school governor at the school, her son bit mine, it wasnt her sons fault, she swore and my son and was very off with my children..this went on for a couple of years (shes horrible to everyone but everyone falls at her feet!) Cut a long story short, my DH reported her to the LEA but they didnt do anything, (even though it happened on school grounds school) We havent spoke for the last 2 n half years, we have mutual friends which makes everything very awkward, so if you want my advice again I'd say dont bother, drop the little ones off and come away, pick them up and go home. And if the ignorant women cant be bothered to even crack a smile...then sounds like to me they're not worth bothering with anyway, xxx

lookingfoxy · 31/03/2011 10:16

I don't bother either tbh, Im pretty much in a rush most of the time.
There are some people who know each other from other activities that stand around chatting, tbh, unless I have something to say its a hello and goodbye from me.
I have no bother approaching if I need to know something and vice versa, I never thought of it as rude, just a comfortable silence

dignified · 31/03/2011 10:27

The problem with school freinds is that you often have nothing in common apart from the fact your children go to the same school . Its nice to chat if your waiting around for them to come out sometimes , but i think its a mistake to expect anything more from people who are effectiveley strangers.

mummytime · 31/03/2011 10:32

On the whole I have little problems with most parents. I can only think of two parents who cold shouldered me. One was just so rude, that even when she chats occasionally now I just think about how rude she was. The other just started blanking me last year, I have no idea why, although I speculate wildly now (including did her daughter say something about my daughter?).

But I'm not expecting bossom friends, just people I can chat to about the weather etc. Its good if you can remember something about them.

One of my best friends I got to know sitting next to her at Swimming lessons.

Original poster

chumble · 31/03/2011 10:36

Thanks for replying.

I am not wanting to make 'friends' with the parents of kids in DC class just to be civil. I find it strange that people cannot at least acknowledge each other. I am not expecting anything more than that. A case in point was this morning that the aformentioned parents completely blanked myself and another mum. Kids have been to parties together at our houses and so forth. It just seems a little strange to me.

Perhaps this is a British thing? If I know someone (postie, newsagent, neighbour) I acknowledge them. I am not asking for lifelong friendships!

I am happy to accept that this is how they want to be. Seems a shame as kids role model their parents so it will be interesting whether their kids will ignore people that they obviously know in years to come!

OP posts:

thisishowifeel · 31/03/2011 10:36

It's the ones who refuse to make eye contact or even acknowledge my existence that I have problems with. I accept that not everyone wants to stand around and chat, or build a friendship, and that is more than fine. What I don't understand is why certain individuals pretend I don't exist? I hate it, it makes me cry actually. The bloody pta are the worst. When my dd started in reception, the PTA woman put together a list of everyone's name and phone number, and deliberately left me out. Nope, I'm not paranoid, I watched as she went round asking, and quite deliberately didn't ask me. I wasn't the only one who noticed.

Apparently it's because she's shy. Shy my arse.

seeker · 31/03/2011 10:40

There are loads of thread on mumsnet about how to avoid making any contact with "school gate mums" How they are all boring clones without an original thought in heir heads who the poster has nothing in common with and who she doesn;t want to be friends with. The non-eye contact people are probably these mumsnetters!

thisishowifeel · 31/03/2011 10:44

Well they make me cry. I hate it. I hope they are proud of their social dysfunction and the distress that it can cause. :(

I am stuck with these monsters for a good few years, unless we can move, and I know from previous experience that they exist at every school gate. So why make life so unpleasant when a smile and a hello does no harm, and loads of good?

Ragwort · 31/03/2011 10:48

I always join the PTA to get involved with activities rather than making 'friends' - I just like to busy doing things - it if develops into a friendship that's fine - but if not at least I am busy, doing someting positive and making money for the school. Due to house moves I am now in my 4th PTA !

I agree with others, I have plenty of friends from outside activities but I do find it odd that people can't just make chit-chat about the weather etc. I posted on this subject the other day and tend to find that it is younger people who are particularly bad at making polite conversation.

I always smile at anyone so that if I have 'forgotten' who they are at least (I hope ) I appear friendly and welcoming. I spent an evening last week chatting very pleasantly with a mum who has a child in my child's class, I assumed we had got on well, we seemed to have lots in common - but since then she hasn't even nodded in my direction .

Ragwort · 31/03/2011 10:50

thisishowifeel - sorry, I posted about the PTA before reading your comments - that is really shocking, I feel very sad for you.

lookingfoxy · 31/03/2011 10:58

thisishowifeel - thats horrible, im certainly not like that, I just kinda keep myself to myself, despite knowing quite a few people.

dignified · 31/03/2011 11:02

Its simply not possible to acknowledge all the parents at school every day , theres over a hundred , and mines quite a small school !

It would be loveley to be acknowledged and smiled at , but feeling like you have to do this to 100 people twice a day for years at a time is a bit much. Theres been times ive gone to school feeling totally shit , ie when i was getting divorced , why should i have to paste a smile on to everyone i pass and acknowledge them when i dont want to and dont feel like it ? I dont even know them after all . I think i did well to even drag myself to school on those days .

If someones deliberateley being rude then its not on , but most people just want to drop and run . The other thing , with walking little kids in and out of school , there chatting away telling you about the story they had or the game they played at lunch , its hard to keep breaking off the conversation to say hello to hundred plus people , its just not realistic.

Bluebell99 · 31/03/2011 11:14

How big is the school, thisishowifeel? My school is really large (60 kids in each yr) and there is no way I know all the parents. My ds is in yr7 and dd in yr4 so I have been standing in the playground for years!! I tend to stand in the same place and I always smile and say hello to people I know, but I have a few friends from my ds's year, who congregate in the same place so tend to chat to them. If you take your children to other activites could you chat to the parents there? Last good friend I made, her dd was in the same swimming grp as mine, and I introduced myself, turned out she is really talkative! But we have become good friends.
There is one woman who never acknowledges me despite us knowing simalar friends and our children do a sport together, and you could have knocked me over with a feather, when she engaged me in a conversation on tuesday, and she actually asked about my ds by name even tho he is a few years older than her children. Normally she walks past me with no recognition at all.

thisishowifeel · 31/03/2011 11:41

I don't expect some kind of skipping through the playground smiling and sweetly chatting with everyone....It's a bit Disney that innit?

No, it's the class that my dd is in, they come out of the classroom door (as opposed to the main door), about 25 of them, so not large. There are about half a dozen other mothers, who simply will not acknowledge me. Even when the whole class was invited to the parties at softplay places, they refused to ackowledge me there too.

Personally, I think that they are very, very strange. Human beings are naturally social creatures, so what happened with this lot I wonder?

Apparently this behaviour is even worse in the school the dc's didn't get into! Thank God we didn't eh?

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