Mother in law issue - need a bit of advice

[Toot]

We are off to England on Sunday to visit Brother/sister in law and our 2 nephews (1 who is 4 months old and we haven't met yet). They live in Winchester and we are in Central scotland 400+ miles away.

We deliberately didn't stay with Mother in law (Malvern) as she gets so impatient with our boys (10 and 13) and tends to 'pick' on our 10 year old who has a tendancy to answer back. Worst thing is she compares what he does to the older nephew (3) and says how the nephew is better eg "A eats anything, he is streets ahead of a picky eater like you".

B-I-L rings up last night to say MIL will be there on Sunday, she is staying the night and coming out with us all to Marwell Zoo on Monday. We were all looking forward to our little holiday and this has spoilt it for us although DH and I are trying not to communicate this to our boys. My greatest fear is that she'll want to come to Legoland on Tuesday and really upset my boys.

Brother/sister in law don't know how we feel as we didn't want to cause family ruck and just hoped to avoid long periods of exposure to her for a few years - hoping she would mellow.

If I'm being generous perhaps she just wants to see the boys and our planned overnight visit to her (which was on the way back up to Scotland) seemed too brief for her.

Anyone got any advice?

don't leave her alone with the children, make sure you or your husband is with them all the time and if you don't like something she says tell her so and do it infront of the children. If she says something unreasonable and your 10 year old answers back don't reprimand him if she can say what she likes so can he. obviously if he's just being rude tell him but not for answering back to horrid things said to him.

Most importantly the best thing you can do about annoying people is enjoy the occassions inspite of them being there :)

I think the minute she says something unfairly critical to one of the DCs you pick her up on it. Hopefully that should stop her in her tracks.

Stick up for your children EVERY time. Don't let her get away with it and don't leave them alone as who knows what she might say!

Do you think you might be being a bit oversensitive. She raised her own children to be fine, didn't she? You don't have to agree with her parenting approach, but maybe just pick her up on it since they are, after all, your children. Try to do it in the nicest possible way, but really, if the worst thing really is that "she compares what he does to the older nephew (3) and says how the nephew is better eg "A eats anything, he is streets ahead of a picky eater like you"" then perhaps you need to mellow a bit too. Is she abusive? Because if she is, you haven't exactly shown that here.

Abusive is a bit strong, picky is the harshest I could say but perhaps with an unpleasant undertone. She has said things to him like "it must be your name, other J's I know are total pains too". I also think it is her manner I object to as in the last few years it has become much more critical than grandmotherly.

I don't mind her asking the children not to lean on their elbows at the table or to take off their hats when they come in from outdoors it is just the comments that go with these instructions such as "were you dragged up or brought up" and " it is the height of roodness to keep a hat on indoors".

I try to stick up for the boys (especially the little one) whilst attempting to keep on reasonable terms with MIL. She was really great when my boys were small and I wish she would be that person again.

rudness not roodness

Maybe she can be that person again if you talk to her about it. It'd be best coming from her son, but you've earned your place too now in the family. Just plan in detail how you're going to approach it, if you decide to, so you get it as right as you can.

rudeness! ;)

Can't believe I did that x2!

DH determined to use the 'duck and dive' approach not the direct conversation unless she brings it up first.

Then it's up to you, Toot. Just take her aside when he's distracted for (ideally) half an hour or so. MIL and DIL going for a little catch up..

i find 'oh, take no notice, grannys getting old and crochity' brings my mil up short!

Or when she makes some remark along the lines of all names beginning with J being badly behaved say in an astounded tone "Do you REALLY think that?"

Everytime she makes a nasty comment about your dc, pick her up on it. She does it because you let her.

I might ad d that my MIL makes these sorts of remarks, "were you dragged up" etc and its because she thinks its the height of wit. She doesnt seem to realise that its quite offensive to me and DH but she always has to be Right.

My own dad chastised by three year old niece recently in the same way he used to speak to us: "If you do that again, I'll put you over my knee and spank you". I know he wouldn't actually do it, but it's just not in keeping with my sister's (and my views) modern parenting and it really peed me off. I'll have to be ready with a comment like some of those suggested above for if he ever speaks that way to my (future) children... Without wanting to make too much of a fuss about it, of course.

Love the wording jesuswhatnext uses, hope I have the guts to use it to my fil

Hi Toot,

You would not tolerate a friend saying that to your children, MIL is truly no different in that regard. Such difficult people as well rarely if ever mellow and she likely will not.

Do not tolerate such verbal abuse because her words are designed to hurt.

Your H needs to talk to his mother about this issue and not bury his head in the sand. The longer it is allowed to go on the worse she could get. Both of you need to present a united front with regards to this person as a matter of course and you both must have boundaries with regards to her.

re your comment:-
"DH determined to use the 'duck and dive' approach not the direct conversation unless she brings it up first".

That's not going to help his family at all is it?. His primary loyalty should be to you and his family unit and not his mother so she needs to be told and firmly as well. It may well cause a fallout anyway no matter how it is phrased by him, she seems the type to take offence regardless.

Do you think her advancing years has made her more awkward or has she always been difficult towards you and your family?.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Do you think that your anxiety maybe feeding into your boys? If they think they are unfairly treated because you tell them so, they will focus on it more, rather than just shrug is off. Have you ever tried to ignore her remarks? I have been doing it for various family members for years, it works! Obviously I do not know your family, but is she really (objectively) such an absolute nightmare?

If she is I would still not make a big deal out of the day out with her, just maybe keep our distance from her on the day. Sounds like there will be plenty of people around to take your space next to the MIL. Good luck!

Sounds like she only really likes young children. Comparing a 3yo to a pair of teens is silly. Also sounds like your DH has been conditioned not to confront her in any way, I suspect his childhood was full of such comments and he's long since learned to ignore them and not get upset, and he doesn't want you raking up all that with his mum as she isn't going to change.

Did she ever suffer a stroke (even a small one) in the past? People often have strokes that are not properly diagnosed when they happen in the frontal lobe, which is responsible for our emotions and social awareness. People who suffer from effects of such a stroke can be rude, impatient and downright nasty without even realizing or realizing but not caring much. If she did, it is only fair to treat her with respect despite her condition and teach the boys to deal with the effects appropriately.

If I am wrong - I apologize.

Didn't think of that. You are probably right Miggsie.

I hope not bemybebe but possible. I try to go with the 'Granny is old and grumpy so lets do our best not to annoy her' line most of the time but not within her hearing Jesuswhatnext

I do think she has got worse as the years have gone by AttilaTheMeerkat, especially since my FiL died.

Didn't refresh to get your post bemybebe (before I posted last).

She had a 'funny turn' about 18 months ago but her doctor said it wasn't a stroke but that her blood was too thick . He put her on asprin and tablets for colesterol (spelling?).

FIL died 4 yrs ago and I'd say that was the start of this - lost her moderating influence. Interesting what you say though about the stroke.

Had another chat with DH about bringing all this up in a chat but he really doesn't want to . He seems quite definate to the point where I feel I have to respect his view.

Thanks all for the views and advice - Toot.