my sister is wrecking everything

[begood]

My sister has been heavily into drugs, and generally messing up her life for years. We, as a family have done everything to help her and have supported her and forgiven her every time she has fucked up.
I have now reached a point where i cannot cope with her any more. S he has become totally selfish, snappy and you feel like you are treading on eggshells when you are with her. However, she has recently lost her job and split up with someone so is very down and i feel so guilty that i cannot feel supportive of her.
She is back with my parents again and it is getting in the way of my relationship with them She is always there, my mum phones me all the time to talk about her and is eternally hopeful that she is going to change. My husband can't bear her any more which is going to make it hard for us all to get together - but i totally support him in his feelings, he has been amazing with her over the years.
Where do i go from here. The last thing i want to do is put my parents under more pressure and stress.
p.s. She has had counseling which did no good.

What drugs is she on? It must be awful for your parents seeing their child like that.

You have my sympathies.

My sister is 37 and has been like this pretty much all her life.

Takes and sells drugs. Thinks nothing of coming to my house high as a kite having a few measures of whatever is in my cupboard and then being upset I won't let take my DS out in her car

4 of my sisters children over the years have been taken off her and my mum has ended up with custody. The eldest is now 21 and my mum has been doing this since she was under 3. The other was mid teens and has been in and out of foster care as my mum couldn't not cope with him/any more children. He is one fucked up little boy from what he has been through.

We all spent years and years running around after her, picking up the pieces from the latest police/social involvement or latest hassles with latest live in piece of filth beating her or the children.

I have nothing to do with her now. I cut heavily back on helping many years ago but the last straw was I finally lost my temper with her a few years ago and her argument in front of all her children and my DS was 'it's not my fault my father nonced you'. My stepfather was sexually and physically abusive since I was 8.

I cannot stomach being in the same room as her, I will never ever forgive her, help her any more or listen when my mum starts talking to her.

My mum still holds out hope and it is heartbreaking to see and as you say you feel you can't add the slightest additional stress to a person already overwhelmed.

You can't help all you can do is decide you are more important that putting up with her shit.

Good luck!!

I feel strongly that the only way to deal with an addict is to cut them loose, let them hit rock bottom all the quicker. Sadly, it sounds like your parents are not ready to do that yet. What they are doing is enabling her to carry on self destructing, although they won't want to see it as that.

If I were you I would tell your parents you are cutting ties with sister, and why. Hopefully they will see the benefit of this. I would also tell them not to discuss her with me. That takes a lifeline away from your mum, which sounds brutal, but the sooner she reaches her limit with this, the sooner she will cut her own ties. One fucked up individual is sad, four is a waste of lives.

It is really good to get your replies and i agree totally that she should be able to hit rock bottom, but my parents are hell bent on preventing this.
I find it so upsetting to see the hurt she continuously causes them but i know there is no more i can do and you are probably right that me being a life line to my mum may be enabling my sister even more.

How painful for all of you :( Having spent much time around drugs and in recovery, I can only support the bleak theory that the user HAS to reach their personal 'bottom' before doing anything to save themselves - until then, there's nothing but broken promises and catastrophes. Some people do just grow out of it eventually.

The 'bottom' can be hurried up, for some people, by getting them into rehab. If they don't respond to a family intervention, you'll need to have them sectioned. Best discussed with doctor first - also, imo, expensive rehab is the best; it is possible to get it on the NHS or health insurance (mine was co-funded by BUPA and my ex-employers.)

I have an aunt who's brought up all of my heroin-addicted cousin's DCs. She's an especially good person, this aunt; I'm sure she is the reason my cousin isn't dead and has an ongoing relationship with her children. I cut her out of my life years back - I can't handle her overwhelming self-obsession.