aibu?

[zannyanny]

Please help!

Here is my situation...I'm 40+6 today. When I was 4 1/2 months pregnant my partner decided "this is not where I want my life to be going...the relationship is over." This was one week before we were due to move in together, and I had already given up my flat which left me completely in the lurch with no time to find somewhere else to live. As you can imagine, this caused huge amounts of stress to me and my unborn baby, and I was completely heartbroken to say the least. Over the next few months I never heard much from him, although he made it clear that he is going to be there for the baby (at the end of the day that's all that matters). Amongst other general shitty behaviour towards me and after moving house whilst I was 6 months pregnant, he threatened me with "mark my words, if you go to the C.S.A I will pack in my job and make sure you don't get a single penny from me., and I'll fight you for 50/50 custody." At the time, I wanted to keep my distance, yet I kept communication to a minimum through text. I somehow had to move on and focus on myself, what is best for baby, and my birthplan. He chose not to be a part of my life, he has now contacted me to ask if he can be present at the birth. I don't feel comfortable with this, and so chose my sister to be my birthing partner. How do I tell him no???

No.

Simples?

Oops, sorry, how harsh of me! Congratulations of course, and I hope it goes well for you.

No way! He has no right to muscle in on a very intimate and personal time,you need to be surrounded by people you trust,and who care about you. He should not even have the cheek to ask to be honest

Agree with bingethinker.

No.

And if he needs more words;

No. Way.

Congrats on the baby xx

Just say no. Its not a meet and greet and you will be too busy to accommodate him.

By the way my partner left me at 8 months pregnant and I still had him at the birth (didn't have time to get over the relationship)and I really wish I'd have chosen someone else as he is a cold hearted selfish son of a bitch who didn't deserve the chance of such an experience,he used to compare humans giving birth,to cows and I don't think he appreciated the magical side to childbirth,what a shame. Good luck to you and I hope it goes the way you wish it to

Absolutly not.

He forfeited that right many months ago. A woman giving birth is very vulnerable and you need good support during it. If you feel bad hyou could allow him to be in the waiting room of the hospital so he can see the DC soon after it it born.

Personally though l'd tell him to sod of and tell him you will let him know after the DC is born and arrange a time suitable to you to visit once you are home.

and btw please dont listen to his nonsensical, childish threats.

Be serene and dignified and enjoy your new baba

Boy... he's a charmer isn't he.

I think you need another couple of layers between you and him re contact, ie maybe he contacts somebody else who puts messages through to you until he is able to deal with you like a human being, not some kind of surrogate womb with no feelings or rights. He sounds like he's not likely to take your completely reasonable 'no' without retaliation -and you don't need this shit you're about to give birth.

His child's wellbeing is predicated on yours and he really needs to start accepting that

No, he has no right to be at the birth. Tell him you will be in touch once the baby is safely arrived. If you think he is the sort of cock who might try to barge his way in, let the hospital know that you don't want him there and he will be barred from coming in and in fact marched off by a couple of big security guards if he kicks up.
When you are in labour, your wishes take priority. It's actually a risk to both you and your baby to have a person in the room that you don't want to be there (stress can slow down labour).
Oh and this stuff about him refusing to pay child support and insisting on 50-50 custory - that's a crock of shit. Ignore threats like that.

I second that omaoma, get a go-between and make it clear to him you will take no shit !

Definitely not. No way. Don't tell him when you're in labour and tell the midwives not to let him in.

He's having a laugh about 50/50 care, isn't he?

Could you do yourself a favour and record all your conversations with him? Don't tell him you have the recording; it will just be a comfort if he starts threatening you again.

Oh and congratulations! Hope everything goes well and you give birth soon - you must be ready to pop!

wow-thanks guys

that is EXACTLY what i needed to hear, and i agreee wholeheartedly with all your comments

sometimes find it hard to stick up for myself with him and he can be so manipulative yet somehow i always end up feeling bad aarrggh! so although the past few months for me have been horrendous...i know i am much better off without him and have finally been able to get excited and look forward to the birth of my beautiful baby

tomorrow i will tell him in no uncertain terms the answer is no! mumsnet has kept me sane!

What a cock, agree with SGB - tell him you will inform him when the baby has safely arrived and then do this at YOUR convenience.
I would not only inform the CSA once the baby is born, I would also tell him that he'll need to arrange a proper access arrangement, and if you can't agree tell him to see a solicitor about arranging one.
DO NOT have him coming and going as it pleases him, SET times and days end of.
Oh and a newborn is too small for overnighters.

piss off no

I gave birth four months ago and DH was great support. I needed someone there to rely on, through four days of pain and stress. Meeting the baby is right at the end of what is an experience the mother is going through. Tell your MW in no uncertain terms NOT TO LET HIM IN.

I hope you find a wonderful person to be your birth partner and try a doula for extra support.

Oh, and if you BF (of course, your choice) you can find expressing impossible and therefore ExP can't have the baby for more than an hour for ages.

The MN classic phrase 'fuck the fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more' springs to mind, but then I'm in a cross mood tonight

You'll probably manage to come up with something along those lines, just more polite and dignified!

YANBU.

What a Loser he is

How do you respond? How does "You are having a fucking laugh aren't you?" sound?

His threats are baseless. Tell him if he doesn't pay every penny your baby is owed to keep him in food and nappies, access will be his issue, never mind custody

I hate men like this, can you tell?

Judging by the other responses MAQ we all hate men like this!

you say "fuck you"

that is all that's needed

and then when you give birth, you make sure the midwives know not to let him in, in case he tries some stupid last minute dramatics

btw, he will not get 50/50 custody, he will be lucky to get any access at all the way he is behaving