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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chasing a pipedream......?

24 replies

summitstar · 28/03/2011 20:48

Hi all,

First time ive posted although always read the section with interest. Im hopinf writing here mind help sort things in my head??? Wasnt even sure which section it best fit in to but here goes.......

Im 30 and have a son. Me and his dad split 3 years ago although remained amicable- hes an excellent dad. My son is 6 and is severely disabled, probably alot to do with the reason that my relationship with his father became so strained. I love my son dearly although its tough- very tough.

I bet someone a year after me and xp split. He had two children already and i convinced myself that this was enough and I didnt want more children of my own. To cut a log story short, it wasn't enough. I knew he didnt want more kids and I tried to kid myself that I didnt either. This was at detriment to my mental health im sure of it. Suffered with anxiety and had CBT to help.

The truth is I would LOVE a 'normal' child.i wonder if my ds wasnt born as he was whether this feeling would be so strong? I feel pangs of jealousy when i see parents with walking and talking toddlers, its painful every single day.

To make matters worse my sons dad has just had a dd a week ago- its been extremely tough to get my head round and Ive cried alot since. I split with my dp 2 months ago as I knew that I wanted another child more than anything and that dp didnt want the same....i know that that in itself is a risk as I ended an otherwise very happy relationship for something whch would just be a pipe dream and very unrealistic as I realise that meeting somone who is happy to be a part of mine and ds's life may be hard to find........but am i wrong to keep the hope that I will find someone who wants to be a part of my ds's very extraordinary life?

I think sometimes I overthink things and wonder if anyone would be kind enough to offer any wise words? i f you think this belongs in another section just kick me out :)

TIA

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 20:56

Oh love, it isn't an unreasonable pipe dream to want more children

I think you are incredibly brave to end an otherwise good relationship because you didn't want the same things

you have lots of time to meet someone else who wants the same things as you and I wish you all the best

although, going off how you sound, I would bet my house and my car that you will achieve that dream

I think you would get an awful lot of support in the Special Needs section (as well as here, of course)

Original poster

summitstar · 28/03/2011 21:02

Not sure if its brave rather than stupid? maybe im making more out of my situation then there is......my sons disability i mean and not meeting someone who was comfortable with that!

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 28/03/2011 21:06

I haven't got much experience of what you are going through but I think you did the right thing splitting with your dp, you wanted different things that's fair enough.

No-one can answer the question "i wonder if my ds wasnt born as he was whether this feeling would be so strong?" because no one knows, not even you and does it matter tbh, your ds has been born so no point wondering what if.

The questions regarding wanting your next child, well it's obviously going to take some time while you meet the right person etc but in the meantime as this is playing on your mind I would ask myself a few questions such as:

How would I cope if I had to look after 2 dc's by myself?

What if my dc2 was also disabled? How would I then cope by myself?

Good luck and I very much hope it works out well for you, it sounds like you have had a tough time of it.

FourFortyFour · 28/03/2011 21:08

I also think you are brave to leave a relationship because you knew it wouldn't give you what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a NT child when you have one with SN.

You sound lovely and I would love to be as together as you are.

googoomama · 28/03/2011 21:15

You sound like a very strong woman and I admire you greatly from what you have said in your post. I don't think it's a pipe dream either and if you have such a strong feeling about having another child, you need to be with someone who has that feeling too. I' m not sure whether your feeling has anything to do with your ds having a disability. I had a strong urge to have another child after my first and he hasn't got a disability. I don't know what it's like to have a son with difficulties but I do know what it's like to split with someone because they can't quite accept your children or life situation - this happened to me at the end of last year too. I'm divorced (3 years ago) and split with dp of a year because he had two boys, so do I and he couldn't cope with 4 of them or "ever live with my children". It's been very hard but I know that I am better forging a path on my own until I meet someone who can accept the whole of me - and that obviously includes my kids. I really feel for you, and it must be a very difficult time anyway to see your ex with a new family but you can and will be strong and look back at this as a turning point for the better. Even if oyu had a very happy relationship, there would always have been the issue of the wanted child in you and your exp's lives and that would ultimately have led to a break up I think. Stay strong and lots of love x

MigratingCoconuts · 28/03/2011 21:18

hang on in there! You have time yet and you never know what's round the corner

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 28/03/2011 21:20

There is nothing wrong with wanting another child.. and there are plenty of men out there who are NOT put off taking on the 'challenge' of a child with disabilities either.. I too think you are both brave and right to leave a relationship when you know that you want something your DP couldn't give.

I too have a son with SN and much as I adore him I know that I would have wanted a partner who could commit to another child, had mine not. I also know that wanting a 'typical' child doesn't in any way diminish the love we have for our SN children.. but it does make some of the unfairness go away:) (sorry that makes sense in my head !)

I truly hope you find a lovely partner who will give you what you need and deserve:)

Original poster

summitstar · 28/03/2011 21:22

Thanks for comments.

I know i would have resented exp if we havd stayed together and i had carried on kidding myself that i was ok with not having another child.

I dont think i said it well when I said ' i wonder if i would feel the same if my ds didnt have sn' Dont get me wrong I love him dearly and hes enriched my life in ways I coudnt imagine and Im sure the desire for another child is a strong one by any mother.........

I guess if its meant to be then it will

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 21:23

it will

I feel it in my water

my water never lies

FourFortyFour · 28/03/2011 21:24

I would like to ask you water something PAFPM.

Original poster

summitstar · 28/03/2011 21:24

Makes sense in my head too medusa

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 21:25

go ahead, 444

< communes with bladder >

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 21:25

just tell me how your dd is first...

FourFortyFour · 28/03/2011 21:26

Still sick .

Original poster

summitstar · 28/03/2011 21:27

Thats good to hear PAFPM!!

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 21:27

aww, sorry to hear it

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 21:27

that last post was to 444

ChupaChups · 28/03/2011 21:35

30 is so young. You have lots of time to meet someone else and have more children and I am sure your DS will benefit from having a sibling or two.

Well done you on leaving a relationship because you wanted different things. I stayed with my XP for far too long and now I finally have found the love of my life I'm not sure I haven't left it too late on the baby side of things. :(

kalo12 · 28/03/2011 21:46

agree with chupachups 30 is young, i am pg at 40.

you sound lovely and i think this seems a very realistic dream.

Original poster

summitstar · 29/03/2011 18:47

I had to leave it cos wanting different things but pretending we didnt was making me ill. I realised I wasn't happy to sacrifice my hopes.

Thankyou ladies. I hope you're right......looking forward to seeing whats round the corner

OP posts:

QueenofWhatever · 29/03/2011 20:47

My experience is not the same thing, but my first child was born with a rare genetic condition and died when he was nine days old. The doctors actually didn't expect him to die that quickly and thought he would survive until he was 6/7 but with increasingly severe disabilities.

Two things really. Although some people feel uncomfortable with me saying it, I'm glad he did die. That is I'm glad he died when and how he did. I would always have loved him, but watching your child struggle and suffer so much is hard and that's how his life would have been. I have always felt I had a lucky escape, even though that's quite a taboo thing to say. This was nearly eight years ago now.

Secondly after he died, people (e.g. health professionals as well as well intentioned family and friends) said we should try for another baby. I couldn't get my head around this and didn't want to replace him or dismiss his memory. However I became consumed with having another child and 18 months later my daughter was born.

And everyone was right. Having a 'normal' child made a huge difference to me. I'm not sure if this helps, but I just want you to know that I fully understand where you're coming from.

As to meeting someone new, I don't think that will be a problem. Seriously. I recently went on a date with someone who has a child with very challenging needs. He was worried it would put me off. It actually didn't. It hasn't come to anything for other reasons, mainly that I am very shallow and he is shorter than me. It's got nothing to do with his son and it certainly won't put a future man off you.

googoomama · 29/03/2011 22:34

Queenof - I'm so sorry about your son. This post is very moving, calm and amusing in equal measure. You sound like a great woman. Great advice for the op. ps I also find height a problem!

aurynne · 30/03/2011 08:15

summitstar, congratulations for being strong enough to fight for your dreams. No one would achieve their wishes if they didn't fight hard for them, and you are doing the right thing going ahead with your search of a dad for your future children. I am so sure you will succeed, and soon your DS will have a little brother or sister! :)

My best wishes for you and your DS. Sending you "good luck vibes" from here!

Original poster

summitstar · 30/03/2011 18:33

Thankyou for your post queenof, so sorry to hear about your son. your words are certainly comforting so thankyou. i just want it sooooo bad- not that im impatient or anything of course

Thanks for all your posts

OP posts:

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