How do you help someone who is slowly killing themselves?

[geordieminx]

My mum. She is morbidly obese. (size 30+)

Every few months she will start a diet, she'll loose a stone or two really quickly, then she'll have a bad day, fall off the diet and never go back.

It's so so sad to see her like this. I know she isn't happy. She wa here at the weekend and struggled to walk for more than 10 minutes (toddler pace) without needing to catch her breath.

She has so many health problems because of the weight, that I know she is going to end up dying prematurely if she doesn't sort herself out. I actually don't think it's that long before she ends up in a wheelchair. she is only in her early 50's.

I have eked so many times to encourage her, try and inspire her to do a bit more, but it's no use. She gets upset and thinks that I am nagging at her.

Ds (3) said at the weekend "have you seen the size of your tummy granny..it's huge". She laughed it off, but I know inside she was hurting so much.

Any advice?

S

Dont have any advice as such but didnt want your post to go unanswered.

I haven't had to deal with obesity within my family but have had other issues (alcoholism etc) and i do know how hard it is watching someone destroy themselves.

I would say that 'diets' are unlikely to work without your Dear Mum having some sort of psychological input to look at what is causing her to overeat.

Does she have any contact with dietician or other specialists who may eb able nto help her access this? Would she beinterested in this type of approach, if so maybe offer going to the gp with her and requesting a referral.

Would she be a candidate for a gastric band?

Just thinking out loud really.

I have suggested this to her today, I think it's what she needs to be honest. It's too big a huddle to get over herself. She has tried slimming classes, but I think it's deeper than that?

Just so sad for her.

I'm sorry about your mum Gerdieminx.

My friends MIL, whio I know well, is excatly the same and has huge health problems but still carries on eating huge amounts.

I honestly don't think you can do much until she is ready to face if for herseld. I think, and I could be wrong, that all you can do is have gentle talks and offer support.
Hope it works out well for you.

Your Mum is overeating for reasons unbeknown to you and possibly even to herself. I was previously 18.5 stone so I understand it. People who are obese are suffering emotional pain. I hated my life, I was under terrible stress and desperately unhappy - all these things drove me to overeat. I knew I was self destructing but I couldn't stop it. Food was my only comfort and I couldn't get out of the cycle. No diet can stop this behaviour. Ultimately the need to get better has to come from within the person ... my family tried to help me with diet and exercise plans but they never worked because I wasn't ready to be helped.

When my life started to improve my mental and emotional health improved and I stopped turning to food to medicate myself. She is probably depressed - I was, but I didn't recognise it as depression at the time. Perhaps you could suggest a trip to her GP.

I would be honest with her and say you're worried. She needs to see her GP who can refer her to get specialist help. Good luck.

Geordie, also meant to add, I wouldn't try to get her to discuss 'why she eats' because its not something you want to have to admit. I would have died if anyone tried to talk to me about it at the time. I can discuss it now because I've recovered. A trip to the GP where she can talk in confidence to a professional would be the better option.

Showme you are 100% right. She is depressed, and she dies seek comfort from food, it's all she feels she has in her life

There isn't anything you can do to make her stop eating and lose weight. Just as with alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts or whatever, the change has to come from the addict.

Ultimately, if a person decided to destroy him/herself, that is his/her choice and his/her right. You would probably be better off looking at coping strategies and support for yourself on dealing with someone who has a MH/addiction issue ie not getting too sucked in.

True, but its always worth trying to guide someone in the right direction.

For years I binged on food and didn't know why. I put a fake smile on my face and hid my unhappiness. Know one would have known I was depressed, I didn't even know it myself. I struggled on - I tried every diet going, I went to counselling, I saw countless doctors who either gave me a diet sheet or diet pills. What I really needed was anti-depressants.

She's got an eating disorder. The treatment for those is very similar to the treatment for addiction - with the added disadvantage that you can't give up eating! It involves plenty of counselling, developing self-awareness and also developing awareness about food. As with other addictions, self-compassion forms a big part of recovery and is the hardest part for the sufferer.

I don't think a gastric band will work. You have to stay on that miserable diet for years after the surgery. Sadly, it's probably going to be easier to get surgery than counselling from a GP - this depends very much on the practice and the doctor she sees, so please get her to go and spill all. It helps to write stuff down before you go - covering up the issues becomes a habit that's hard to break, even in the consulting room.

She has my best wishes.

i can totally relate to you, my db was over 22 stone in deecember,i have worried myself sick for him over the yrs and tried many different approaches, he has had a very difficult adult life and i do feel his problems started as emotional then he lost confidence etc etc...

he is a grown man,i said i needed to loose weight around 2 stone we go to ww together i am not massively bothered about loosing and am on steroids so its a bit difficult however i have lost a few pounds but e has lost almost 3 stone...
i am so proud of him , i realize he may never get to ww goal but if he can get to say 16 stone he will be ok with that.

Apart from the weight its like watching him blossom, he loos so much better and feels so much happier, hes a really positive guy on the top but i know his weight gets him down..he now has a neck and sleeps better.

i think docs may help and surger is an option but it also has risks

you can only be there to support her, she has to really want it too.i wish you both luck its so hard to watch and people seem to think its ok to be rude and horrid to people who are obese.xx