Should I walk away?

[Ladyjane1]

My partner and I have been together now for 6 years. Within months of us getting together he bought me a ring saying there was only one finger for it to go on and he couldn't wait to make me his wife once we were both divorced.
My divorce came through first and I'd made it clear that I didn't wish to keep my married name so would change it by Deed Poll to my maiden name. My partner said he would love it if I changed it to his surname, it would after all save me changing it again once we got married.
His divorce is now nearly complete but in conversation with friends last year he said he didn't think there was any benefit to getting married, it was after all just a piece of paper!! I was mortified and when I asked him about it he said he that because our divorces had been so costly and awful, he didn't want to have to go through it all again if things went wrong. I feel he's tarring me with the same brush as his ex and doesn't feel that we will last. He said he's not saying we won't get married but at the moment he can't see it happening.......we committed already by living together......of course he wants to be with me for the rest of his life....doesn't wish to be with anyone else etc etc
I wish I hadn't changed my name, had waited and am considering changing to my maiden name after all. I know this will be humiliating though because when people ask I'll have to say " he doesn't wish to marry me anymore"

I feel so dumb because I know the old saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

I have to think, do I want him or marriage? Should I give him an ultimatum? Will I be cutting off my nose to spite my face?

Why does being married mean so much to you? Do you still love each other just as much as you did, and is the relationship still strong?

There is a lot more to it than sharing the same name, but that seems to be your only stumbling block with all of this.

Can you give us more of a timescale? if you have been together for 6 years, how long have you both been divorced? I would guess you have been living together for a lot of those 6 years?

Have you told HIM how mortified you are?

If so, what has he said?

It does sound odd to commit to you quickly but now not want marriage.

I think I'd be tempted to ask yourself why you want marriage so much- is it to "tie" him to you? Or is it not about the piece of paper but that you now doubt his commitment?

My concern is why he's had a change of heart and the way I found out. He'd never said anything to me before.
We've been living together for 5½ years and always thought we would marry.
Maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion but who wouldn't feel hurt? I told him I'm mortified and he says I should understand and that his committment to me is as strong as it's always been. Why don't I feel this is true?

Trust your feelings. It was a bot odd to be making such a big deal of getting married before you divorced. Odd, too, to blow cold again so quickly and to be saying different things to different people about a personally important matter.

I'm worried that you seem to set so much store by getting married. My advice is to hang on to whatever is YOURS. Carry on living together as long as it suits you, but be very wary of making material investments in this relationship.

Your partner wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants the 'good' side of having a partner around the place without the 'bad' side of it i.e. the risk of it going wrong and having to shell out financially.

If you are happy with this, fine, but I would get agreements in writing regarding what would happen if you were to break up or die unexpectedly.

Don't think this is unimportant because it is. Like a lot of people who put out the bullshit 'just a piece of paper' line (which it is, because, let's face it, marriage exists for a reason: i.e. legal and financial one) , he may wish to cry to the courts demanding your pennies should things go wrong.
If he genuinely believes it is 'just a piece of paper' he won't do this, but how can you be sure that he won't?
Get everything in writing if living together.

Just FYI you always have the right to use your 'maiden' name so you don't have to change back after divorce by deedpoll. Just use your birth certificate to change name back.

Sorry, no advice though.

I don't think it's an uncommon sentiment from divorcees and like he said possibly not something he even thought of as a problem until after he had gone through one.

It's certainly not about tarring a current partner with the same brush as the previous. In my case it's about wanting to define my future relationships myself not have them defined for me by a court. If i make an agreement with a partner and it stands in court, with a husband it doesn't

The question you need to ask yourself is is the marriage more important than the relationship. Yes he might change his mind, but I doubt it.

Money seems to be behind this for his refusal not to wed- he has said so himself.

Whose house do you live in? Is the house jointly-owned or is it his or yours only? If it is in your name only, then make sure that everything is on paper that you are sole owner and wish him to have none of it.
He could very well be the sort of person who dismisses marriage as being a bit of paper yet will still demand some of the house should things go wrong. The polite way of describing such a person is a hypocrite.

If marriage is just a bit of paper - and imo it really is not - then why won't he?

In all fairness, though, he did go on to explain that the reason he didn't wish to wed was for financial reasons - he just used the 'piece of paper' line to friends.

Of course, marriage is more than a 'piece of paper'. Maybe not from an emotional viewpoint but it certainly is from a legal point of view!

It doesn't seem like something so serious as to make you walk away.

Haven't you talked to him about it? If he feels that he got nailed financially in his divorce there is some bitterness fueling his discontent. If you have an open talk about finances and agree a fair arrangement he may calm down a bit. There must be a compromise here somewhere.

We own the house jointly and yes he was taken to the cleaners by his ex
Your right about getting things sorted and in writing where possible.
I'm not good at starting conversations about things which may cause upset but I'll have to put my strong and reasonable head on for this one.

ladyjane- you sound as if you "fall in" a bit too much and maybe also have an ostrich mentality at times?

You were quite quick to agree to change your name even though you were not married to this guy- i think that is quite weird TBH, given that you were both coming out of a divorce.

You also said that he "told his friends" he was never going to get married- and I assume that is how you found out- from what you said in another post.

I find it hard to believe that he never hinted at his reluctance to marry and you simply found out through friends.

Could it be that as well as avoidng confrontation, you also overlook signs and signals?

I have friends who have cohabited for 20+ years- he said he would never marry after his 1st wife took him to the cleaners. I also think he may feel on principle that he doesn't want to marry again after making vows and having them broken.

I don't know what financial arrangement he has with his partner now- the house was in his name when they met and he is much older.

We think of them as married couple and they have outlasted other married couples! However, i think that his partner has never pushed for marriage.

I think you need to talk to your DP so you are clear that it's marriage he isn't sure about, not simply commitment. I can see that he is wary again, but on the otherhand he was keen to begin with- that is what would worry me- it's not as if you met him after his divorce- you have been with him through the process- so has he never rasied the issue in 5 years?

Hmm this is a tricky one. I'm in a similar situation. Dp has been married twice, me once. I divorced recently. I'm still amicable with ex, father to my dcs. Dp and I were very pro-marriage when we first met (2.5 years ago) but now I'm divorced we're not in such a rush. I would love to get married but know it'll be costly even though we both want a very modest wedding. Could that be a worry too?

I think communication is the key here. It's ok to say 'right I'm off, he doesn't love me as much as he did!' but this may not be the case. We can all change. It doesn't mean he feels any less, just he's seeing things differently now.

Do you have different interests? Spend time without one another with your friends, hobbies? I find that is the key for me, knowing I have another life outside of men and dcs