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Original poster

Should I walk away?

15 replies

Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 10:02

My partner and I have been together now for 6 years. Within months of us getting together he bought me a ring saying there was only one finger for it to go on and he couldn't wait to make me his wife once we were both divorced.
My divorce came through first and I'd made it clear that I didn't wish to keep my married name so would change it by Deed Poll to my maiden name. My partner said he would love it if I changed it to his surname, it would after all save me changing it again once we got married.
His divorce is now nearly complete but in conversation with friends last year he said he didn't think there was any benefit to getting married, it was after all just a piece of paper!! I was mortified and when I asked him about it he said he that because our divorces had been so costly and awful, he didn't want to have to go through it all again if things went wrong. I feel he's tarring me with the same brush as his ex and doesn't feel that we will last. He said he's not saying we won't get married but at the moment he can't see it happening.......we committed already by living together......of course he wants to be with me for the rest of his life....doesn't wish to be with anyone else etc etc
I wish I hadn't changed my name, had waited and am considering changing to my maiden name after all. I know this will be humiliating though because when people ask I'll have to say " he doesn't wish to marry me anymore"

I feel so dumb because I know the old saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

I have to think, do I want him or marriage? Should I give him an ultimatum? Will I be cutting off my nose to spite my face?

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 28/03/2011 13:42

I think you really need to try and find a time to discuss this with him fully before changing your name yet again. Try and stay calm and perhaps list beforehand all the points you want to cover, so you do not get sidetracked at all. Has it really taken him 6 years to divorce? Do you have children together?

Original poster
Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 13:57

Because my divorce was so costly 4 years ago he didn't push for one himself as we weren't sure if it would cost the same. His ex started proceedings early 2009 and paperowrk 'hasn't reached her, 'got lost' etc but is now at court for the decree absolute so should be finished soon.

We don't have children together but I have two sons aged 16 and 23 and he has two boys aged 19 and 22. We all get ok but his eldest has been horrible in the past (nasty letters, texts etc) but now seems to be coming round. My DP has on accasion said we have now proof it was his son that sent them and I've played the bigger person and not retaliated to his son. My eldest works in the US so is only around occasionally. It really is just him and me

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 28/03/2011 14:01

6 years together is a long time. I certainly do not think you should walk away from him. If you love each other you should try and work through this. I'm not as articulate as some or as wise but I'm sure some more people will be along later.

Original poster
Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 14:08

Teaandcakeplease - thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about not being as articulate as some because when I start to put it down in words the problem seems trivial. Words don't really express the hurt we feel sometimes and we don't all feel the same.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 28/03/2011 14:13

People who have had ghastly divorces may well be reluctant to marry again. This doesn't mean that you are wrong for wanting to marry your DP, it does mean that he has a point of view, which is valid, which is not about hurting your feelings or being a bastard. You need to talk it through calmly with each other and listen to each other before deciding what to do next.

darleneconnor · 28/03/2011 14:15

Actually I think in your situation you are better not getting married. If you died before him, your estate would pass to him and then his sons when he died, NOT yours. Is this what you'd want?

Of course your housing/mortgage situation also has to be taken into account.

Original poster
Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 14:15

TheSecondComing - I don't want to get married desperately. But after being proposed to, given a ring, setting up home, changing my name to his after my divorce (at his request) and then finding out in a conversation with friends that he's changed his mind, I'd like to know that my feelings of hurt are justified.

Maybe if he'd told me as soon as he'd had a change of heart I may not feel this way

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 14:29

TheSecondComing - point taken, there's no easy way he could have told me

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 14:36

I know your not being horrid, I'd just love to have the strength to tell him how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyjane1 · 28/03/2011 14:39

....just for him to understand how it makes me feel after all this time. I suppose I take it that he not saying he "doesn't want to get married again" but that he "no longer wants to marry me"!! Sad

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 28/03/2011 15:01

LJ1, can't you talk to him ?

if not, why not ?

if you cannot put your finger on why you can't, or there is a great big fat reason why you cannot, why would you want to marry someone like that anyway ?

at the moment, you are second-guessing his reasons, and finding things out through a 3rd party

that isn't healthy

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