trying to sort it out #1

[bingethinker]

Just need to record this somewhere. No idea if it is worth reading but bear with me.

Threads over the last couple of days have suggested to me that I am in an abusive relationship.

I've thought it through. To catalogue:
financial abuse-no.
sexual abuse-no.
emotional abuse-yes
controlling behaviour-yes.

Getting in further, I feel I can deal with the last two myself: it boils down to moodiness and passive-aggressive behaviour, both of which I can ignore, and don't happen all that often but the kids aren't equipped to cope with, not mature enough. I'm not controlled in terms of personal freedom in any way.

Even further, the issues are really to do with the way he parents our son. Daughter gets by a lot better.

Even even further it upsets me so very much because it reminds me of my own abusive father, although nowhere near as bad.

So we spoke this evening. Instead of telling him he is a nasty abusive bully, which I really didn't think would move things forward (no shit, Sherlock) I screwed my courage to the sticking point and said I needed to tell him about my childhood. I haven't, before, and we've been together 18 years.

I cried. Hate crying. He hates me crying too, which I figured would be a plus. I can be manipulative too.

The thing that hit home was telling him what my Mum put on my Dad's headstone when he died: "Thy Will Be Done". After 36 years of never answering back and not standing up for her kids she gave him a sick joke to wear for all eternity. He was

And he promised:
That once they have been told off for something (lively kids need telling off for things at times, I do agree) he will then stop and not keep going back over it like my Dad did.
That if he is having a bear-with-sore head day I will take the kids out/he can retreat to his study/cave and sulk without any of us having to be upset.

And I promised:
That if I am unhappy with him telling the kids off/the way he is telling the kids off I will not kick off at him in front of them as it frightens them, and we will talk/row/whatever later on, out of earshot.

And we both: told each other we love each other.

I hope that's progress, and I will watch and wait to see.

Bloody funny to be feeling like a scared kid again at nearly 50, but it's the ghost of my Dad, not the man sitting unsuspectingly across the kitchen table from me right now

So that's it. Many thanks to all who have offered insights today, it's been really helpful.

BT I'm finding john bradshaw the homecoming a really good read and also I've got a download of a workshop.helped me to see how my life had taken shape and it has definately brought me some peace and lots of tips about positive parenting,glad u had a good chat x

Thanks Patience, I'll buy it.
Burying the past and looking forward is a reasonable way to cope with it, I have always felt, but a number of things seem to be coming together now to tell me it's time.

Hi bingethinker,

He did not mention anything about trying to treat your son and daughter the same. Words are all very nice but you know its actions that count. I do wonder if he will make any progress at all as his behaviours you describe are deeply ingrained. Controlling behaviours are abusive ones as you also realise.

If his promises turn out to be empty ones what will you do then?.

What were his parents like?. Did he talk about his childhood as you did?. Looks like he was taught damaging lessons by them as well as you were by yours.

May I ask how old the children are?. I wonder what they actually think of their Mum and Dad. They love you very much but they likely know there are underlying tensions or problems particularly if they are older.

Am not really surprised that you married a man who seems to act very similarly to your late Dad:(.

I would have also asked him (and yourself) the following:-
What are you getting out of this relationship now?
What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?
What legacy do you want to leave these young people?.

whoa, baby steps! :)

I've read your three questions elsewhere. I am considering them all, that's why I am doing something. This is ALL about the children. We did talk about expectations and ds vs.dd.

Best way to provoke a huge defensive-aggressive response is to go in with a long list of accusations and demands. Nobody likes being attacked, even blameless people. Or people who think they are blameless.

I never said I thought it was over: clearly this process is just beginning, and it might end with a split, or it might not.

People are not black or white: good, or bad. We are all flawed. What we have to determine is whether we flawed people can live together and bring up children who are less flawed than we are.

Those children also need to learn lessons of negotiation, of balance, of trying to work at things when life is hard, not just when it is easy. They are watching us now. We are both aware of that.