what would you advise with my friend? a temporary falling out?

[enidblyton2]

My friend and I who I have known for 30 years, had a bit of a heated phone call a few days back. I felt really upset and tearful.
I don't want to go into details of the row but we have a difference of opinion about something I have done. (I't nothing illegal BTW!) Iknew she would react as she did.

I felt very upset and accused her of being judgemental which she denied.
She said she had my best interests at heart.

I can see that- but she wasn't telling me anything which I had not already thought about, very carefully.

At the same time, I'd had the conversation with another friend who said more or less the same thing, but in a much more thoughtful and less confrontational way, so that we did have a very "sensible" discussion .

My friend is very outspoken but she also has a very confrontational manner. She was basically telling me to do or not do certain things because of the possible outcome- which I had considered anyway- in no uncertain terms- like a parent- and we are both in out mid 50s!

The conversation ended okay-ish- I said I had to go- but I am not sure what to do next.

I also think that just possibly my friend is slightly envious of me and what is happening in my life- but she would not admit to that. She says she is saying it "as it is" because she really cares for me.

I really don't know what to do next. We have increasingly crossed swords over emotional topics including her marriage, my marriage, my kids etc over the last few months.

I am not sure what to say next time we speak-whether to bring up the topic or for it to be the elephant in the room, and whether I should make the first move to contact her. We live an hour away so I don't see her that much although it's normal for us to talk by phone once a week at least.

Any suggestions as to what to say to her? ie that we will have to agree to disagree on it, or not mention it or what?

Why don't you send her an email or text saying something along the lines - "I really do value your friendship and am grateful that you are honest about the xxxx situation. I appreciate your views and much rather you were honest with me rather than pussy footing around. I know we'll have to agree to disagree on this subject but I really hope it won't affect our good friendship which has lasted so many years.

Looking forward to seeing you soon - shall we have lunch/go to the cinema/do something specific on a specific date" (ie: make a positive suggestion).

You have therefore mentioned the subject but 'closed' it and move on to other things.

Good friendships are hard to find so it would be a shame to end it over one disagreement. Good luck

Thanks. Those words are good.

She is a very non-email person, so maybe a card would be better. I would prefer email but she and her DH share an email account- due to trust issues they had ages back- so it would be hard to do that.

It's very hard because although everything she says is true- or possibly true- I feel it's something I have to explore and find out for myself what will happen.

What makes it doubly hard is that she has done things before- or has planned to do them- and I have felt differently but bitten my tongue.

So I feel now that she has "attacked me" after I have spent many occasions not telling her what I really thought of her behaviour so as not to offend her!

She was basically telling me "not to go there..." in case it ends tits up whereas I feel it's something I need to do having taken the risks and possible outcomes into account.

Hope it works out for you Enid (suddenly worried that I might be your friend - we are the same age & I also share an email with DH & but prefer 'old fashioned communication' - rapidly thinking about if I have offended a friend recently ).

lol- I don't think you are my friend- not the one in question anyway!

Depends a lot about what you are arguing about. If it its something she if struggling too deal with like an affair with a mm, then I could understand why your, friend wants space especially as her DH ands her have trust issues.

If the subject was something minor, agreeing to ' agree to disagree' could be the answer :)

No- not an affair with a mm.

it does involve a man with a bad track record, although he has been left rather than doing the leaving...I have known him since my childhood so he could stay as just a friend anyway...so she has reservations. But I also wonder if she is slightly envious that I have someone who is showing interest as she is unhappy in her marriage.

So you have a potential partner, she thinks he is bad news and you are leaning towards a relationship with him ?

I agree with your friend, an adult male with a bad track record does sound like bad news, however that is not to say you can't enjoy yourself with him....your life, your rules.

I doubt your friend will mention this issue again, unless you start moaning about his behaviour ;)

Have fun :)

enidblyton,

re your comment
"But I also wonder if she is slightly envious that I have someone who is showing interest as she is unhappy in her marriage".

I doubt it; outsiders to a situation usually have a different take on things which the person within the situation cannot or does not want to see for themselves. I would be giving your friend more credit tbh or at least be giving some serious credence to what is being put to you rather than want the more softly softly approach all the time as it is "easier" to stomach. Sometimes direct is needed and she as your best friend will tell you how it is and without any residual bs. After all you have been friends for the past three decades.

What if she is actually right?. She may actually be trying to save you from your own self here.

she may be right- but she may be wrong too! No one knows. I'd rather take the risk and find out- she is saying not to. What I kept telling her was that I was sure I would be able to remain in control and that I was aware of the possible pitfalls. I didn't need a lecture!

The guy is not that much of a disaster- he has been left twice and left one partner - this is all over many years. No kids involved anywhere. He has never been unfaithful.

I suppsoe my post here was to ask how to handle her now- ignore the topic or bring it up again and say agree to disagree.

I was in a very similar situaton with a friend a while ago, she wasn't happy with a situation i was in and we had quite a heated confrontation about it - she kept saying she was only concerned for me (and I know she was), but the upshot was if I didn't do as she was suggesting, she wouldn't want to continue the friendship. I felt like she was holding a gun to my head.

We are still friendly, but the friendship is nowhere near as close as it was. It has become a bit of an elephant in the room, as you put it. In retrospect I wish I had approached it in the way the Ragwort suggested, and tried to draw a line under it in a way I was happy with, as it is, I feel I've lost a very good friend.

.....so in answer to your last post, yes bring it up again and try and bring it to a close in an "agree or disagree" way. Don't ignore it and let it fester.

Hi Polly- thanks for that.

Yes, it would be shame to let it spoil the friendship.

I know she is just looking out for me BUT I tried to explain that I did have a brain and I was not going to sash headlong into something that might go all wrong.

Where we disagreed was that she was making a character assassination of a guy she knows nothing of- just the basics she has been told by me- whereas I have known him for 40 years and been in touch off and on all that time.

She is very fiery and it's not so much what she said- but how she said it. very confrontational.

EB

Both of you need to talk more; seeing a 30 year friendship potentially falter just because of a man who may or may not be of any good is nothing short of sad really for both of you. You're both adults - don't let this spoil your unique friendship.

If this did indeed all come crashing down around your ears (and this man does not have a good track record when it comes to relationships) would your friend still support you rather than just say, "I told you so?". I would hope that she would still be supportive.

EB...did I miss this ?

Are you already in another relationship ?

could you text her and say.."been thinking about what you said. i need to do this...please support me right now, but do promise to be around to say i told you so if it all falls apart!" or words to that affect...inject some humour into it i mean.

i really like what chimchar suggests.

it also sound like you two share too much! perhaps slightly less sharing of all the love life details may mean that you dont wind each other up again?