Need some advice before I combust

[marriedtomrlazy]

Hi, I've name changed for this. Hope it's not to long.

I need to have a chat with DH as I am becoming increasingly unhappy at the unfair split of parenting and house work among other things.

Some back ground. DH has been ill for about 9 months now. He can still do things but gets tired very easily. As a result I have taken on (if I'm honest I did most of it anyway) almost all the housework and looking after of ds. I do the nursery runs, ironing, cooking, most of the tidying up and so on. He occasionally washes the dishes and tidies.
I work as does DH and very rarely have time to myself. If I want to get my hair done I need to book time off work (precious little holiday left anyway what with all the colds ds has had this winter).
DH sleeps in both weekend mornings and only offers to watch ds if I ask first and then it is done with lots of whinging on both their parts. This isn't so I can have a break it is usually so I can go do the ironing or something similar.

We would like to increase the family, but I am so tired and DH so distracted that we rarely do it anymore and when we do it feels like it is just for the purpose of baby making. This is as much my fault as his. I stressed too much about ovulation and such that I think I kind of killed the mood in general.

DH can be very loving and I am still very much in love with him but we seem to have lost our way a bit. Any attempts at chats to date have been met by a promise to help more (alas it does not last and is never enough) and he very much does not see the intimate side of things as a problem. He thinks I over think things and worry too much.

I am going to try to talk to him again and would like some advice from you wise ladies and men out there. The last thing I want to do is make things worse.

first thing i would say is do not have another child

What illness does he have? How come he can still work?

I'd agree with that, don't have another child now.

Is there any way that you could afford a cleaner? It would relieve a lot of stress and would give you a bit more time to yourself. If you think you can't afford, think of how money is spent - do you find you're eating a lot of takeaways or wasting money just because you are too busy?

I think it's totally unfair that your husband sleeps in both weekend mornings. That is really thoughtless. When does he think you'll have time to rest?

I'm wondering about his illness, given that he works full time. Do you think he uses his illness as an excuse not to do things, or to lie in bed? If he came home and rested for two or three hours, couldn't he then get up and do something?

If your son doesn't want his dad to be with him whilst you rest, it's probably because his dad doesn't make that time fun. Is your husband just reading the papers, watching tv etc when he's caring for your son?

I can feel myself getting really angry on your behalf.

I'd definitely hold off on the TTcing until you have resolved this. Imagine how you feel now and then add into that mix morning sickness, early pregnany tiredness etc.
How ill is he? Is he using up all his energy working and then is too ill for aanything else? or is he milking the illness a bit and is ok at work but playing on it to be a bit lazy at home?

What would he say if you had a chat with him and told him that you'd like to postpone TTCing due to feeling there is a big imbalance at the moment due to his illness and that you want to wait until he is better and taking on his fair share again before re-starting?
Would it shock him into pulling his socks off? or just give him more leeway to laze about for longer do you think?

He had a serious road traffic accident. He is healing but still has a lot of pain if he over does things. Work isn't hard as he can sit for most of the day and pace himself. Running after our 2 year old who is very active is more difficult especially as he can't move quickly.

I don't think he milks it, but I do think he does not look after himself properly and then ends up in pain and in bed. For example, he thought he had an infection last week but didn't go and get antibiotics from the GP as she had previously told him that it was up to him whether he took them or not. That is he could either let his body fight the infection (which takes longer) or he could take the pills. Since then he's had two infections and has gone without the drugs both times.

I do think TTCg may be a mistake. I have wondered if we took the pressure off then things may pick up in that area at least. I am not getting younger though and have already had one mmc which concerns me.

Does your DH want another child? If so, you need to tell him it isn't going to happen with things as they are now.

With reference to the chats where he promises to help more, I think you both need to agree on certain duties that he will do, eg washing up after every meal.

You also need to tell him that his choices affect you and your quality of life (not taking antibiotics means more work for you). It sounds like he just doesn't realise how much of a toll it is taking on you.

I definitely second the get a cleaner option.

Re the RTA,two things: first is that if injuries are severe these can take many months if not a couple of years to recover from, and sufferers not infrequently get depressed about 4-5 months into recovery as never realised just how long it would take. So worth questioning whether depression is an issue.
Second is that if there was a significant head injury this can change behaviour for a long time, sometimes permanently.
If he has had any involvement with a rehab specialist it is worth perhaps asking about that.

Finally if the infections relate to bone infection then this can be hard to shift, and can recur.Might be worth a review by his orthopaedic surgeon.

Good luck.

if he was pretty much like this before the accident, it probably is more a problem with him being essentially a lazy bastard. show him this thread and tell him you need more help. period. he can iron sitting down, no? (although only the foolish iron...) i mean, how physically taxing is cleaning a bog or doing the dishes? if he can transport himself to work and get around he can clean a toilet.

Don't have another child yet!

My husband didn't do any housework. He wasn't ill in the physical sense but has drank steadily and become depressed over last two years. We have 3 kids and the strain of more children on top of the lack of respect, money worries, etc has made us split up.

My husband slept in every morning! I never got a break either so I know how it feels.

It sounds like you are exhausted with it all too. Try to get some time to yourself - even if it means getting in a babysitter (a friend?) Go for a sauna, facial, hairdressers, etc.

Getting a cleaner is a brilliant idea.

Can you increase your child's nursery hours to get a bit of time to yourself?

Look after yourself too. That is important right now.X

Another practical hint is stop ironing!!! use a lowish spin off 900 max, hang it straight up on hangers after a shake and 95% of your washing will not need ironing.

Perhaps you and dh need to discuss which tasks he can do that don't exhaust him so you benefit from his contribution and he doesn't suffer from it.