Post Divorce - Still being controlled?

[frantic51]

Ex H told me he was divorcing me 20 months ago. He finally moved out 8 months ago. We had a verbal agreement he would pay solicitors fees on both sides as I was working for his business and when he left my job went with him. He paid his solicitor but not mine. (Posted about that in legal). Consequence is that my solicitor will not speak to me until his invoice has been paid.

Found out on Wednesday of last week that the Decree Nisi was through. Found out the following Friday that Decree Absolute had actually come through on the day I found out about the Decree Nisi and DS had been told about the Decree Absolute before I was informed.

Feeling a bit upset and helpless at being kept in the dark not feeling really up to meeting with Ex H at the moment.

DD1 (20 next month) went to Uni interview near to her father's flat this week taking bf with her. Staying at flat even though her dad was not there. She had a slight accident (fairly minor) while away which resulted in a sprained muscle in her neck. Decided to stay at her father's until he came home, as she couldn't drive for a few days and bf arranged time off work to stay with her. (Bf not yet passed his test and DD1 not been past test long enough to "sit in" with unqualified driver. We had some discussion on the telephone about the possibility of me going to get her but for a number of reasons, not least that it would leave her car stranded down there, we decided to leave it until the weekend and see how she felt.

Was told that she was coming home yesterday. Then found out, by asking if she felt fit to drive, that her dad was coming, bringing her car and getting train back down home. Not wanting to see him I asked when they would be home and went out for an hour, asking her to ring me when he had gone.

This morning she questioned me in what I felt was a rather snappy way about not looking after the dog properly. (I had left the back door open accidentally, dog very old, we live over half a mile from the main road, dog never wanders far) It was the first thing she said to me on coming downstairs, no "Good morning" or "Hi mum" or "thanks again for the breakfast in bed". I answered her queries calmly and politely. Later, went through to the kitchen and said, again, calmly and politely, that I felt she had been a bit rude in the way she had spoken to me. Got told to "get over myself". Cut to the chase an argument ensued during which I was told to "fuck off and grow a pair".

Turns out that she expected me to "be there for her when she got home" (She is 20 next month and, although in some not inconsiderable pain, is mobile and was on her own for about 15 mins between her dad leaving and me coming back.)

I feel very much that I am still being controlled by Ex H. Apparently he spent more than an hour when he dropped DD1 home moaning that I should "grow a pair". He has been coming round in the time since he left the family home, to see the children and I do have to say that he was very supportive over Christmas when my mother died. (But then he can be nice and there were times when we were still married when he was nice, that's what kept me with him for so long I suppose) I have been trying to be as friendly as possible when he has been here but he has habitually tried to "grope" me which really upsets me. He is being "Mr Nice-Guy" at the moment and I feel pushed into the role of "nasty, uncaring mum".

Sorry this is so long. Any words of wisdom please?

Your daughter is an adult, and a very immature little madam too. Dont let her start treating you in the way her father treated you. Nip that one in the bud right now.

I would tell her to grow up, change her attitude, or fuck off to her dads permanently to be quite honest.

You made a perfectly reasonable decision to avoid seeing exh, that your daughter has no right to criticise.

He keeps over-stepping the boundaries by groping you: there's nothing wrong with refusing to see him. I would ban him from the house entirely whether you're there or not.

Yes, it's very common. Happened to me.

Sounds like you're being controlled by your DD too, though. Tell her to meet her dad somewhere else, you don't want him in the house. Tell her she needs to grow up. No 20 yr old should need their mother to be 'there for them' with what amounts to a minor injury. She shows you very little respect, it seems. Like him, with his groping habit. Put your foot down. They'll be shocked, I'm sure, but none too soon. It's YOUR house, not theirs, no?

He clearly hasn't moved on. Suggest you tell him to Get A Life. In front of DD. Sounds like she's taking the changes in her life out on you too. Ok, so she's affected by this but she's presumably free to meet her dad any time, you're not going to stop her, so there should be no problem.

Apologies for not sounding very sympathetic but the only way round this seems to be from you. He's taking advantage because he was in control from the beginning. Your DD is lucky she got to 20 when her parents got divorced. Mine were 7 and 4.

I was 18 when mine were divorced and I got on a plane and went 6000 miles to be where I wanted to be, straight away, and got a job.

You now know that a verbal agreement is not worth the paper it is written on, too.

Thinking on, don't suppose you have any evidence of her sprained neck, do you? Dr's note, etc. Bruising. Obvious stiffness. I'm of a suspicious nature, I suppose. Odd that she did it at her dad's, is all.

While I was writing the OP she came to apologise for her attitude but then she saw the post and there has been another argument. She says she was upset because I had "dragged her into it" by telling her by text that I was going out because I didn't feel up to seeing her dad and asking her not to show her dad. I accept that I was wrong. The situation I am in at the moment is, for self-preservation reasons, I don't want to see him at the moment, but I also don't want him to know that I don't want to see him iyswim because then he will know he has me on the run and I feel that will only empower him more. I was trying to ascertain what time she would be back and "be out" at that time without telling her or him my reasons but in the end I had to admit my reasons to her as she was questioning me so much and I find it difficult to lie to her.

She also tells me that her neck injury is not "slight", that she had to have an X-ray to make sure nothing was broken and that it will take six weeks to heal, but it won't apparently stop her driving to her show rehearsals next week.

She also wants me to put down that she "stuck up for me" when her dad started whinging about me.

EcoHappyHelen She definitely is injured, there is no doubt about that. She did go to the hospital and she did have it X-rayed and there has been some bruising. I have to say that most of the time she is very supportive. I try not to involve her as much as I can, but it is difficult when we share a house and sometimes I am very down and she is old enough to ask questions.

I feel that your daughter is wrong to speak to you rudely but you were U to make her part of your issues with DXH. DC have relationship with both their DP and its unfair to be asking her to be part of secret keeping and feeling they have to argue on behalf of a parent.

annielousa I absolutely accept that. It's just very difficult when I feel I need to keep a distance from Ex H at the moment because I feel so vulnerable and yet she is of an age where she can make her own decision to arrange for her father to come to our home without even telling me that he's coming. (If I hadn't messaged her to ask what time she would be home he would have just turned up with her without me knowing. This was basically a break down in communication as she thought her dad had messaged me that he was driving her home and I was trying to make myself scarce without letting her know the reasons.) I really don't want to drag her into anything but she kept questioning me about where I was going until I felt I had to tell her because I find lying so difficult. That's why I'm asking for advice. I guess it would be easier the DC were still small and access was pre-arranged and I could get someone else to do the hand-over for a while

if the DC were still small.

It's your house, frantic. Tell your daughter she must see him elsewhere, and that he's not to come into your home. He makes you feel unsafe, he behaves inappropriately with the groping. You do not have to put up with it.

She's old enough to go and meet him at a pub or anywhere; there's no reason why she can't respect that your home should be a safe place for you.

It was a exceptional set of circumstances I suppose zikes inasmuch as she was incapacitated and needed help to get home.

I am tying myself in knots over next weekend too. Our two younger DC are at boarding school at the other end of the country and need to be got home. I was going to go down the night before, as they break up in the morning, and then drive them back the next day. Ex has now messaged me to offer to go down for them and bring them home or meet me with them halfway. (He lives about halfway between here and school.) The quandary this puts me in is: If I say, "No thanks, I'll go and get them" I will be having to ask for the funds to do that (he only gives me enough each month for ordinary living expenses and if I want or need to visit or collect them I have to ask for extra funds).

Now, I'm either going to do that and lay myself open to accusations of "getting in the way of him seeing them" and taking money from him in doing so. Or, say "fine you get them I'll meet you halfway" and then have to see him. Or, say he can bring them home and then lay myself open for the DC to say, "Dad drove nearly 900 miles to fetch us home so why can't you be nice and let him stay over or at least give him a meal and a rest before he drives 200 miles home?" I don't want to draw them in and tell them why I don't want to see him yet, without doing, so I can quite see their reasoning.

I'm just finding it all so difficult at the moment. Whatever I do I seem to appear the awkward one and he the reasonable one in the DC's eyes.

Your elder daughter is old enough to know why you don't want to see him, and if she's read this presumably does know, so hopefully should be agreeable to meeting up with him elsewhere from now on.

If you want to do half-way, could you take a friend with you for support?

Otherwise to avoid the whole thing, I'd probably just do it myself.

That said, it isn't actually reasonable for your children to expect your dh to come and have a meal or stay over at your house. You're divorced, he has no right to be invited into your home at all. He could take them for a meal at a restaurant nearby or go to a Holiday Inn if he needs to sleep.

You need to be setting boundaries for them as well as him. Doorstep all the way, imo. You can be civil to your exh, but you shouldn't need to spend any length of time in his presence at all.

Don't put yourself through his hoops to avoid appearing "awkward". It's perfectly normal for divorced couples not to set foot in each other's houses.

Thanks ladies I really appreciate your replies. It's doing me good just to be able to talk about it.

You're right, I know that I should just set the boundaries but there have been occasions when my DD1 and DS have said "it's not your house it's dad's house, he pays the rent not you" whenever we have been having an argument about house rules. It's only ever said in anger though. My DC are great on the whole. I know I am very lucky that, in the main, they are far more reasonable and sensible than many teenagers but they are still teenagers after all and their parent's marriage has broken down and it's very difficult for them too, but after years of being told by Ex that he is the main breadwinner and therefore I "don't count" as much as he does, it is like red rag to a bull when they say these things.

I suppose I am a bit wary of sending him to an hotel because the DC are very aware that we don't have much money (Ex always makes a big deal about "maximising our income", always on at me to see if I can get extra help with the rent etc.) and supporting two homes is a strain and I know that I have to "man up" and get a proper job and it's my fault for being so wet and useless. Just that, working for Ex for so many years and being treated like a moron in the office any time I made a mistake or asked for advice from Ex about anything and dealing with his mood swings has left me a bit short on self confidence. I was a musician before having the DC but can't go back to that because I have RA which is, of course, flaring up more often since I have been under this stress and so job hunting isn't easy and then there's the lack of references and my age.

I know I'm being pathetic and making excuses. I tried counselling through my GP but it took ages to get an appointment and when I did get to see someone she just made notes for half an hour and then said she couldn't see me for another three months and when the next appointment time came round I had a really bad flare up and couldn't drive that day so had to cancel and was told it would be another three months before she could see me again.

Have been in touch with WA and have seen someone from there a couple of times but she had to cancel our last appointment a couple of weeks ago and I have been trying to contact her but she hasn't replied to my voicemails as yet.

Thanks again. It's just really good to be able to talk.

You're not being pathetic, you're months out of an abusive relationship and you still have him too much in your life, using the kids as his voice-pieces.

Don't feel guilty that this man now has two households to run: that was his doing, so it's tough sh!t on him, truly.

To help you with references and your confidence, you could look at volunteering somewhere? Even one day a week or fortnight. The National Trust for example look for volunteer room guides, garden volunteers, shop assistants, office staff. Whatever your strengths are or interests, there are charities around looking for helpers.

I hope your WA counsellor gets back to you soon.

Thanks, both of you. I will try the National Trust, that is a very good idea. Before Ex announced he wanted a divorce I had been volunteering one afternoon a week with a group of SN adults doing adult literacy/numeracy. I knew that I needed to get out of the business and find something more suited to me and was hoping to go on to do some formal training. I am very much ashamed to say that I went into a kind of emotional freefall at the time and failed to turn up to a couple sessions and didn't contact anyone because I just couldn't talk about why I was feeling so bad without crying. In the end I just sent a letter apologising and saying I was unable to continue for the foreseeable future owing to family reasons. Now, too ashamed to go back because I was so unreliable. See? Totally bloody useless I am!

You've nothing to be ashamed of, you were genuinely having a family crisis. It's not like you were too busy having your nails done or something .

I can understand if you feel it'd be too hard to go back to that group after you feel you let them down, but the chances are they'd understand. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Thanks again both of you. Been out to church with DD1 as we both forgot to put the clocks forward so overslept this am We have both calmed down and come to the agreement that we'll try and be kinder to one another. If I have something I don't want her father to know then I have the right not to be questioned by her. "I can't discuss it with you" will be her signal in future that it's something about him and she should back off.

You have both helped me so much today Hope you both enjoy your evenings. Thanks again.