How do you know if you love your DP and does it matter?

[darleneconnor]

When people ask me if I love DP I say "I suppose...what does that mean, anyway". I really don't know! He is a great partner, does most of the housework, fair share of childcare, no addictions or bad habits, no porn, no DV, works, pays the bills etc etc BUT he never says 'I love you' and I have an enduring insecurity that he doesn't. But I don't know if that's just me being unreasonably insecure.

My life has fallen apart since I met him. I used to blame him for this but a lot of things, like losing my job, weren't his fault. I was depressed for a while (which was v hard on him) but not anymore but I'm still not happy IYKWIM. I am finding it difficult to seperate not being happy generally with not being happy with our relationship. Does that make sense? I dont want to make our relatonship the scapegoat for my general dissatisfaction. How can you seperate these things?

I'm so dependent on him (partly because of a disability) that I dont see how I could function on a day-to-day level without him, but does this mean I'm mistaking dependency for love?

Is it ok to stay in a loveless relationship if you function well as partners and parents?

When you are snuggled up in bed together at night all warm and comfy does that feel like the place you belong? That is how I know how much I love DH when all around is complicated.

DP isn't a very tactile person (major understatement) so when we do get close he invariably leans on my hair/squishes my hand etc. We never really face-to-face snuggle because he 'doesn't like kissing' but yeah, spooning together feels nice. I'd really miss not having that skin-on-skin if I wan't in a relationship. But I dont think I'm particularly bothered about it being DP who I'm snuggled with, IYKWIM. (Although, it's been so long I can't imagine ever being naked etc with anyone else ever.)

DH and I have always had a fairly tempestuous relationship - can't live with / can't live without. Admittedly, we have both calmed down over the last few years - getting older, having kids, and me just feeling that I didn't want the rollercoaster ride anymore. What I do know though is that, when the chips are down, it is always me and DH against the world. There has never been a moment when either of us have thought that it was 'the end'. Oh and he does give me a kiss and tell me that he loves me every morning before he drives off to work at 6am!

higgle has it

when you spoon in bed and know this is the place you are supposed to be

and he makes you laugh, brightens your day

understands you

meggles76- see, I feel like it is me or me and the dcs vs the world. Me and dp often have arguments around the ' I dont feel like he's on my team' idea. But I'm sure if that is really the case or I'm just insecure.

He has stuck by me through difficult times but I cant confidently plan a v long term future together as I feel that he might just stay while the DCs are young then leave me when they've flown the nest. He says this isn't the case but I find it hard to believe him.

BUT I'm so messed up when it comes to relationships that I dont know if any of these thoughts/feelings are justified. Everyone else thinks I'm in a perfect relationship...

Trinity-I do look forward to snuggling in bed, and i am contented when we are. I think his humour is wasted on me, unfortunatly. I do look forward to him coming home from work but I dont know if that's just because I have little adult conversation during the day.

I dont think either of us understands the other as well as we should.

What this relationship seems to lack most of all is intimacy. I wonder whether you are mirroring his dislike of kissing, expressions of love, emotional honesty, nurturing and understanding, or whether you both have problems with intimacy, either because you are with the wrong partner, or because of a terrible collaboration of two intimacy avoiders?

We are definatly both intimacy avoiders.

I'm his 1st LTR and at times it feels like I'm having to teach him how to be in a relationship.

I had no problems kissing, expressions of love, emotional honesty, nurturing and understandng in a previous relationship, but it ended badly and I dont think I've ever recovered.

We've talked about going to some kind of couple therapy but couldn't afford to pay for it.