My mother drives me mad

[Bearcrumble]

My mum came round yesterday. She really wants to buy DS (13m) his first pair of walking shoes. DH and I have decided to say 'yes' to avoid a row but go and buy them ourselves and then let her get a pair in a different colour. I know this is a bit sneaky but it is a rite of passage we feel and he's probably going to be our only child (would like more but have lots of problems and he was an IVF baby).

When I was out of the room I heard her say to DS "I'm sure you'd be walking now if you had a proper pair of shoes" (he wears those moccasin socks now - with the leather stitched to the bottom). I called out and said that I'd been to the shop and the saleslady had said not to get walkers until they were taking more than just a couple of steps unaided. Then she said "I'm just talking nonsense to the baby, why do you have to answer me?"

The other day she said something like "you're greedy aren't you?" and I asked her if she'd be able to say something more like "you're enjoying that!" - she always says "oh ignore me, I'm talking nonsense" - but he is going to understand her at some point, may as well start as you mean to go on.

I prefer to not be all 'in his face' when he's playing - I make the odd comment and sometimes show him things, but I think he needs to work stuff out for himself and discover different ways of playing with something but she's all "no do it like this" and very grabby and interrupts a lot.

I don't have any other family nearby and she's retired and I could do with a morning or afternoon to myself a week. She really wants to have him but I can't stand her style. I have been getting ill a lot (partly because of catching lots of things from DS - since Jan I've had 2 D+V bugs, lots of coughs and colds and I'm just getting over oral thrush) so I'm run down. I suppose I'm being a bit precious about him and one morning a week of a different caring style won't make a huge difference.

Yes you are being far to precious am afraid. I think that you should take your mum up on her offer of free babysitting.One day a week wont harm your dc and you can lay some ground rules(which will probably be ignored).

i dont you should have said yes to the shoes.
unless she gives you the money, but they need proper fitting.

Its so hard isn't it - I am pregnant (overdue) with DC3 and have had my parents here. Sometimes they drive me nuts and just keep doing things I ask them not to. I don't think they mean it, but its just the way they have always done things or did things in their day.

Unfortunately I too think you will just have to suck it up! I am totally sure the benefits of having grandparents around outweigh some irritants. I also believe that being around people who do things a different way isn't always a bad thing for DCs, and at the end of the day you are the main caregiver and with your DH, the most important people in his life.

yes it is hard to let go sometimes. you need to ask yourself do you really trust her with your DC despite her having different way with him? if yes then leave him with her for a bit and go and do what you need to. It gets easier the more you do it.

My mother is the same(completely overbearing just like Mrs Bucket) but I leave my DC with her because i know she will actualy look after him. I am a single parent so its usally the only time I can get other things done.

have come to acept that other family members will have different parenting styles and it is something DS will have to get used to.

I have ivf twins, they are 14 months now, and we probably wont be able to have more. I spent a lot of time with my mum for the first few months as I needed a lot of help and like you, she drove me a bit crazy.

However, I bit my tongue, saw the good in her, was extremely grateful for all the help she gave me. She adores the babies, and they are very lucky to have such a lovely relationship with their grandparents.

There will be lots of 'rights of passage' for you. Bite your tongue, ignore the comments, take a deep breath. That doesn't mean that she's not allowed to drive you crazy! I normally text my husband 'aaaaaggghhh!' and he texts me back something to make me laugh and relax!

My relationship with my mum is so much better now than before we had the girls, they have really bought us together.

Bearcrumble,

This does not actually bode well for the future.

Did she treat you similarly as a child as well?. Does she really regard you as a wife/mother, it to me seems like she does not think of you as being capable enough.

Sounds like your mother wants to dominate proceedings by buying him his first shoes. I assume you only acceded to her request because she would perhaps become very angry or tearful otherwise. Its actually very manipulative of your mother on her part to be acting like this towards you.

Your DH and your need to put on a united front with regards to her and with particular regard to your DS. You in particular must set boundaries with regards to your mother otherwise she will try and continue to walk all over you. She certainly should not be using the "greedy" comment in front of your son.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different in that regard.

If you cannot stomach her parenting style then you would be far better off not having her look after him at all for any length of time. Her influence could well start to rub off on him and over time it will make a difference.

You do not mention FIL; is he still around?

My MIL offered to buy DS1's first pair of shoes but like you, we wanted to do it. She then said she would like to buy his first pair of school shoes and we agreed. I can't actually remember if she did but since then she has paid for several pairs of my children's shoes.

Let her pay for the shoes, just go out together to get them. That way everyone is happy.

AttilaTheMeerkat, do you not think that it could be more innocent than that?

My mother will for example, if I'm holding one of the babies and they reach their arms out for her, she will take them and give me a little 'hah', like 'they want me not you'! Also when A learnt to crawl my mum said, 'oh, I was hoping she'd do that for me first', which I thought was a really selfish comment, she's had 3 kids, these are my PFB!

But I know she doesn't mean anything by it, she really is a lovely person, just a bit silly/thoughtless on occasion.

ps if my mum could afford it, I'd let her buy my girls first, second, third etc etc pairs of shoes! There's plenty more for me to spend my money on.

Thanks for the replies.

I think I'll just tell her that we want to buy the shoes - no point pussyfooting.

Another thing I didn't mention is that she doesn't want me to breastfeed any more. She thinks past a year is 'creepy'. I've asked her to respect my choice and given her the evidence but recently she started saying things again.

My dad is remarried and lives abroad, Attilla - I guess that's what you meant by FIL?

I'm still not decided on whether it would be a good idea for her to look after him for a half day a week.

I think you are being very precious and controlling to be honest, and if you are not careful, you will end up pushing your mum away. Let her be excited to be a grandma. You are all part of the same family. Imagine how you will feel when your child has a child of their own, surely you would want to be part of their life too?

I wouldn't tolerate the breastfeeding comments, tell her to mind her own business ffs.

Yes, I'm afraid I think YABU and very PFB (the latter of which is understandable to a point due to the circumstances of DS possibly being an only child).

I think you need to realise that your mum wants the best for DS as well, just because she has slightly different views on certain things, doesn't make her incapable or not worthy of looking after him.

You sound very precious, and while you will more than likely relax over time, please don't push your mum away over this. I certainly don't think anything she has done (unless you have more to tell us) thus far is enough to warrant you saying you "can't stand" her style or that she "drives you mad". If the latter is true, I think you need to find a way to chill out more, not withhold care of DS from your mum.

The BF comments you just need to ignore, btw.

Understand the shoes thing from your perspective, but surely the best solution is you all go together (the money is immaterial I'm guessing?). YOU all want to be involved. Is DS her only grandchild?

If you've got to 13 months and you and DH haven't encountered any situations where you don't entirely agree on parenting choices/style then you've done very well .

However you are his primary carer and your way of doing thing will naturally "win out".

FWIW I think you should let her care for him one session a week - you need a break and they need to develop their relationship. There are groundrules that you are perfectly entitled to set, non-negotiables if you like. But remember no-one is always right, it may be that DS reponds to some of granny's ways/style better sometimes.

I think it's great you have your mum close by and she's willing to help.

Hope all works out ok.

PS the BF issue is clearly a non-negotiable. It's YOUR decision. She must respect your decision on this.

She brought you up just fine Bear! She loves your DS. Everyone's parents do things slightly, or very, differently to the next generation, or annoy us a little or a lot. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't care for your DS properly. She would look after him very well I would think - and it's only half a day per week, so her difference in play styles won't impact hugely. Just set ground rules on food/anything major. You need the break and it'll be beneficial for your DS to grow up with strong family bonds, and a variety of experiences.

Bearcrumble I dont think you are being precious or controlling. Certainly having children changed my relationship with my mother. She too used language I didnt like. She was convinced that DC1's colic was caused by something we were doing wrong. However, now with the benefit of hindsight I can see that most of her daft ideas did no real harm. She saw herself as being a parenting expert having had 3 DCs herself. What she couldnt see was that we were experts in our own DC.

Do work on presenting a united front with your DH. It certainly helps. Dont let yourself be brow beaten into letting your mum have all the precious first moments. She had her 'go' with you!

Set ground rules when you are present but do let your mother have some time alone with your son. Dont worry, children are very good at seeing through their grandparents!

OP I understand your frustration but you just have to accept that they won't always do things the way you want them to. As other have said, make some things non-negotioable and just let the other stuff go. I'd be very vocal re: the BF though. My mum thinks it fab that I'm still BF 18mo DS but I know DH's family find it a bit wierd. If I was ever directly challenged I've got plenty to say in reply!!!

My mum wouldn't dream of commenting on my parenting, but from when he was first born she has bought him all of his clothes. He's her only GC, so she utterly adores him. I'm happy for her to do this (though keep telling her not to buy quite so much!) I'm fine with it as it means we can spend our money elsewhere. She didn't offer to buy him walking shoes, but if she had I would have said fine but said I would want to be there and chose them.

My MIL and SIL took my DS for his first trip to the zoo a few weeks ago when they were looking after him for the day and I was really upset! When MIL told me what the plan was, I gave a few reasons why I didn't think it was a good idea but was basically told I was being rude for turning down a kind offer from SIL so had to let him go. I know I was being PFB but I couldn't help it. And the gushing about what a great time he'd had really didn't help.

It's really hard, but this is family for you, and I think although it can be hard, we need to remember that we're really lucky to have people help so that means compramises, grrrrrrrrrrr!

Bearcrumble

Unfortunately some mothers or mothers in law do try and push boundaries of acceptable behaviour and my guess too is that your mother has always wanted things "her way" or done "her way" as well.

What does your DH make of your mother?. How do they get along?.

Again your mother is trying to undermine your own choices here by saying that in her view bf beyond a year is creepy. She does not want you to continue for whatever reasons but it is your choice; do not let her undermine you. Your son is not her child, she has already done her child rearing so should poliutely back off. I have a feeling though that she'll continue to push it because she is manipulative. You must have boundaries in place re her.

Was asking about your Mum's H, is he still around?.

Bearcrumble I think you are being over-precious. My parents live overseas but when they came to visit (a rare thing, they've only done it twice in about 10 years and only once post-DCs!), it coincided with DS1 started to walk and we took them to Clarks, got DS1's shoes fitted, they paid for it and we gave them the photo Clarks take for their first shoes. I was more than happy that someone else is paying over £30 for DS1's shoes! LOL.

But I do know where you are coming from. My ILs and I clashed big time when DS1 is born. Recently, DS1 and DS2 started going to theirs once a week during the day for MIL to look after while I work and they all love it. The memories of those early days are now far gone and I can see how 'precious' I was over things that aren't really hugely important in the long run and certainly nothing worth risking the lovely relationship they have now for. It's not perfect, on days they go to her, they eat way too much crisps for my liking (a pack in the morning and a pack in the afternoon seems fairly normal), DS2 has a very late nap, which means we have trouble getting him to sleep in the evening but hey, all a 'small price' to pay for the help she is giving us and the love they DCs get from her.

Just because the mum has different ideas about child-rearing doesn't mean she's manipulative. Maybe she's just tactless and the OP is a bit sensitive or PFB. Unless there's another thread.

Personally OP I'd make the shoe-buying a group expedition so you can all enjoy it and take up your mum's offer for help one day a week. Her different style of caring won't do a bit of harm.

Just cut her off or laugh it off if she starts about the breast-feeding or whatever (a lot of people have weird ideas about extended bf), just don't listen to her.

I don't think the OP is being precious or controlling. I think her mother is being very passive aggressive, aiming her criticisms at the baby so her daughter can hear, then disregarding her concerns. Poking her nose into her daughter's choices, offering her opinion when it's not been asked for, and generally muscling in.

She needs to be shown some boundaries. My parents are a bit like this, dad is the worst. It's a constant battle.

It shows a total lack of respect for the grown up child as an adult and parent.