I'm so lonely - how can I change my life given the limitations?

[DayVLately]

Ok - dh works shifts and only has one weekend off a month. 4 days out of seven he is working late shifts.

I work practically ft and work as part of a small team - am homebased but my colleagues are all over the country so don't really have the opportunity to socialise with colleagues.

Probably have one close friend that I met when dc's were young - still in contact with a few uni friends - my other closest girlfriend has recently moved to south america and probably won't get a chance. Have met other mums but we're all so busy with work/family that we don't see each other very often. I don't go out in the evenings - have tried to go to a yoga class but can only make 2 classes a month due to dh's work - can't afford to get a babysitter and am not sure I could find one who'd be willing to put the dc's to bed!

I just feel so painfully lonely at the moment - how can I feel like life is worth living? Dh and I have been together for 12 years - I love him to bits but my libido is completely lacking so feel like there is a huge gap in our relationship and I miss the intimacy. I also feel that psychologically I 'hold back' with intimacy as I do resent the amount of time he spends away from us whilst he's at work.

I just feel that my life is complete drudgery - 90% of the time I am doing everything with the house/kids - dh would help out but he is just not here in person - when he is about he does do his fair share as tries to give me a break.

I just don't know if I can go on with this lifestyle/relationship. I just don't feel like it's worth it all. How can I stop myself waking up in the morning and feeling 'Is this is?' :(

waaah...

sorry - should probably re-post this somewhere else - probably mental health :)

you sound a lot like me!

I'm sitting in alone as dh is on a night out, its a "couples" night but I couldn't go as we have no babysitters

I guess like me you have no family support?

all I can say it is that it must get easier when the kids are older and can babysit themselves, then we might get out and about again

hang on in there

gawd - I don't know if I can wait that long :o

family are supportive but not local enough - I did try and set up a babysitting circle with mums from school but as I'm not at the school gates often enough it never really took off - probably too formal and the other mums probably know each other a bit better than I do by now.

mn is my lifesaver tbh :o Although that may be a bad thing!

I'd just like to be able to go to a night class or have a hobby :o

Can't offer any answers but sympathise, often feel the same myself. DH out with his mates tonight, we haven't been out together since Feb 2010, downside of having small children n SIL who monopolises the babysitting slots with grandparents.

But on the upside eldest is nearly into teens, can bribe him to babysit in a few years :)

Mumsnet is my lifesaver too.

if you're interested in reading why not join/start a book group? Meeting up once a month would be manageable for you and it might lead to other friendships.

Alternatively you could do a similar thing with a group of mums and start a film club-once a month either visit the cinema or watch a DVD together, have drinks and discuss

i have an almost 17 yo dd who loves kids,eldest of 5 and would babysit for a tenner and a tube of pringles!!

she does for a friend sometimes too....any local teens??

I know the feeling. Worse now as we have moved abroad so have no family support at all.

I'm hoping life gets less lonely too as the dc's grow up and and less needy/get their own hobbies.

DH also works long hours and studies on his days off. So im doing alot of the household stuff alone (fingers crossed only until may when he finishes). Somedays I wish I could just drop everything and escape for the day. But if I did that I'd have double the amount to do the following day.

Its hard being away from home too. Having to make new friends all over again at nearly 35 years old!!!
I do my best to try and meet up once a fortnight with the new people I've met for tea/coffee.
Its tough going somedays when I dont see or hear from another person other than the 3 dc's. So for now the internet is my new friend my hobby. Until my next coffee morning in 2 weeks!!!

sorry to hear you are both feeling the same.

film club might be a good idea - I think I need to be a bit more proactive at inviting people over rather than planning to go out.

don't know of any local teens but will ask about.

have also decided to keep an active eye out for a new job - my job is perfect in that I work from home, am able to be reasonably family friendly but, and the big but, is that I am very isolated - perhaps if I worked in the town that I lived in I may meet some new people as well.

I think I find weekends the hardest - dh has been at work all weekend so I haven't actually spoken to a real adult since friday...I'm amazed I can string a sentence together some days :o

try to find other mums whose partners work at weekends or one day at weekend and set up outings with them -maybe even through Mumsnet local. Or also option if you know any single parents they might meet up at weekends too.

He's working all those hours, you're working too, and you can't afford a babysitter?? What's going on if you're working all the hours under the sun but can't afford a babysitter? Sounds like you need a major rethink about what you're both doing tbh - life is for living (sorry about that awful cliche )

Good idea to get a job with PEOPLE though. They make all the difference if you lead a solitary life generally.

sitters.co.uk

I'm a bit mystified as to how you can't afford a babysitter, too. Have you & DH got an expensive hobby, car, taste in holidays? Time for a bit of re-prioritisation, I suggest.

Inviting people round is a great way to start up new friendships. You dont have to do anything flash and, presumably, visitors could bring sleepy kids with them if needs be. You might also find this could lead to a shared-sitter arrangement for the odd meal out instead of in :) I really like snice's DVD night idea - it's cheap & relaxed, doesn't look 'weird', and you can enjoy it by yourself if no-one turns up!

Wrt to DH, it sounds as if you've fallen into a separate lives scenatio. It's no surprise you don't feel all that smoochy when he's home; it must feel more like a cousin visiting than your H coming home. I think the pair of you need to tackle this specifically - think outside the box a bit. Can you spend twenty minutes a day catching up on Skype, for example? Can he reshuffle his shifts to sort out a fortnightly date night/day with you? What's keeping you apart in between shifts?

Also like your thoughts on getting a local job :) Good luck!

I used to work from home as well, just wasn't for me, I felt the same as you totally isolated.
My solution was to get another job, get a childminder organised and get job hunting!

I'd say first of all you need to sort out a babysitter. Have you got any neighbours with teenagers that might be interested? If you work from home, you might spot some teenage neighbours through the window on their way to school. That's how I found my babysitter, but I must admit I live in a cul de sac, so it is easy to know who is who.

Then, you can go into meetup.com and start looking what social groups there are in your area. In my area there are "working from home groups", "french/german/spanish conversation groups", "new in town group", etc. These groups tend to be very friendly and you can build a good social live around them. Plus most of them involve spending very little o no money at all. Worth a try!

Finally, you also need to find at least one night in common with your husband every couple of weeks. You can organise a romantic dinner at home and try to rekindle the relationship, before you drift too far apart. Make it a date in your calendar and don't let anything else get on the way!

Honestly - no expensive hobbies - just day to day household and childcare expenditure - we're trying to save each month to pay for a camping holiday in france so not living a life of luxury by any stretch of the imagination :o

I do want to address our relationship as a priority - I can feel us drifting apart :( when we are together we're just both knackered - we do try to cook each other nice meals but tbh by the time we've eaten we both just fall into bed. I am wondering if the coil combined with tiredness and lack of contact time are killing my libido.

will have a look on the local section and see if anyone is about - I've never heard of meetup.com so will have a look at that as well.

I've just had a quick scout for jobs locally - there isn't much about - I'm in quite a specialist field so it would mean retraining or perhaps admin work. I have seen a job which looks like it could have potential however it would mean about a 15k pay cut which just would be unmanageble - a babysitter would be considerably cheaper! Do sitters use the same people or do you just get a random person each time?

you can ask for the same one back again and they will check their availability first.

you can also (if you try a few of them) rate them in order of preference, and say 'no' to ones you didn't get on with, so they when you book, they will call them in order of your preference list, and won't call the one you said 'no' to. so once you've used them a few times, it's not like having strangers at all. it's like having a regular babysitter, but you only need to log and book instead of trying to catch them and beg

i find getting babysitters a bit of a trial (i always feel as though i'm putting people out) so sitters was a bit of a godsend really. that said - dh sorts the babysitting out now (we moved) as we tend to use sons or daughters of some of his work colleagues - they are all teens and want money.