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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feeling so fed up

11 replies

washngo · 26/03/2011 20:10

I'm feeling totally miserable and worn out. I'm not sure if i'm just being a moany so and so or if others would feel hard done by too. My husband has had a hard couple of weeks at work, and has been home later than usual so i've been doing bedtimes and everything, he hasn't really seen the children.

He had a work night out last night, straight after work, so another evening of putting two dcs (2.6 and 9 months) to bed etc. He rolled in at 2am. This is all ok as i don't begrudge him nights out, he doesn't go out all that often.

Then this morning he had a long lie in till 11. I got children up, dressed and took them out to the garden centre. Again i was ok about this (although stark contrast with my nights out which always start after 7.30pm so i can help put chlidren to bed, i am careful about what i drink and come home earlyish so i can be up with the children the next day).

But the bit that really pissed me off was that we had a friend of dc1s birthday party today, and dads were invited. But he just decided he wouldn't come. He went in a mood (because i asked him to do a small task and apparently i'd "ordered him around"). He said he didn't want to come because there'd be people he didn't know there and he doesn't like situations like that very much. But that was so NOT the point! It was a family occasion, lovely for the dcs esp dc1. And every single other one of the other mums who'd been invited took their husbands. And with 2 small children i could have really used the help , instead i raced around trying to keep up with them both. I just feel that he is supposed to care about me, about all of us and he hasn't shown it. I feel emotionally drained and too tired to be annoyed, but full of tension at the same time. He never ever wants to talk about anything and so i don't bother and he takes my silence as everything being ok again.

Sorry long moany rant but needed to get it out.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 26/03/2011 20:19

Not surprised you're fed up!

Sounds like he has a hangover. So, I would tell him that today is his last day of arsing around like a single lad, enjoy the rest of the day off mate, because tomorrow is your day off.

Then, get up early tomorrow, take yourself out for a lovely day, alone, doing nice things for yourself. Tell him you want the dinner ready when you return, and the laundry done. In other words, all the stuff you manage with two young kids.

Then, sit down and tell him this is not what you had in mind for a family life. You expect to do things together, you are not a single parent. If he feels disinclined to talk, talk to a lawyer.

Seems harsh? Don't care, am sick to death of reading about second rate fucking treatment on this site, men who think they can be dads just be sperm donation.

Time to get his finger out.

CarGirl · 26/03/2011 20:22

Sorry to be harsh but I wouldn't tolerate it. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

Part of being parent is doing things you don't want to!!!!!

It sounds as though your more like a single parent in terms of day to day parenting.

washngo · 26/03/2011 20:26

Perfumedlife - you are so right. We have (another) birthday party tomorrow, then visiting in laws, but next weekend i feel the need for a day off (and this time i'm doing a day not just 2 hours). Hopefully that will help me and him too. I've been readinng some threads which might be the same as you've seen, some of which sound v familiar to me and i don't want to just let this go on anymore tbh.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 26/03/2011 20:31

Good for you!

Hope it goes well, what will you do?

make sure he understands that he will be in charge and alone with them for the day.

Then have a calm talk about division of responsibility in the family

washngo · 26/03/2011 20:34

Trouble is he is impossible to talk to - doesn't want to talk, i feel i'm treading on eggshells all the time. He's basically a terrible communicator. And i have done the whole 'day off' thing before. It did help for a while but i guess now we're back to square one. Is a temporary fix enough?

OP posts:
washngo · 26/03/2011 20:38

Perhaps i should add that he did play with dc1 in the time between garden centre and party. And he does help me put them to bed when he is home from work in time. Plus he does some small jobs in the house (mainly cooking dinner about 4 evenings out of 7). Maybe i am expecting too much?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 26/03/2011 20:47

I think the key is understanding and agreeing the division. How your sort out the differnet jobs is totally up to you both, as long as you are happy with it, then its fine. If you are not then you need to think about what it is exactly that would make it so.

washngo · 26/03/2011 21:03

aaargh just tried to talk to him but made a massive mess of it. I said something like: "you're not behaving very nicely at all" (angry voice). He said "what?" i repeated and added "and you're not behaving like you care about me at all". He said "I wasn't being nice but now i am again". And i said "you can't just say 'i'm nice now' and expect that to be it!". And he said "I don't want to talk to you any more" and went upstairs. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrating; i just want a conversation. Even if it is an argument. I just want some kind of resolution not leave all this tension just floating in the air. It makes me want to scream. Bear in mind we have not talked at all since dcs went to bed. I have been waiting for him to come and apologise. Fat chance!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 26/03/2011 21:34

Is it worth writing to him? It needs to be "I feel ......." driven letter/note rather than "you do this, you do that".

WannabeaShootingStar · 26/03/2011 21:43

OP I totally feel for you. We've had this 'conversation' tonight. Why can't men accept looking after children is as valid as full time work and help out a bit more at weekends.

Often by Saturday PM I am left feeling fed up and unappreciated :(

bingethinker · 27/03/2011 08:49

If you crack the issue of getting him to talk, let me know how you managed it?

I am rubbish at getting mine to talk about difficult stuff. There are reasons why i am not that assertive with it, I guess....I'm really bad at articulating feelings at the best of times. And I will insert the words "I have been emotionally abused for 18 years and lost all my courage" for the enthusiasts ;)

But I know that my dh will not talk because he is afraid of what I might say, and he hopes it will all blow over, it has in the past....

What they aren't understanding is that denying us a voice festers.

At the moment the best I can do after a bad day, when it comes to the resolution stage, is to say, "do you want to talk about it?", or "I'm really happy to discuss it if you like" if my behaviour is questioned. If he ever takes me up on it then it's off to counselling for both of us. So far so "no, there's nothing to talk about". I'm passively hoping that repetition will get the message across, but will have to move things into a more active arena at some stage, I suppose.

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