how do you know if it is abusive?

[namada]

I've been married for 10 years and its never been great. My dh is not violent and he doesnt try to control me by keeping me from friends or family. In fact he doesnt appear to be in control of anything in our relationship at all or dominant in anyway. I sort out EVERYTHING- finances/shopping/DIY/ holidays/kids EVERYTHING. But I feel abused, I cant put my finger on in and have mostly put it down to being a bit melodramatic (I am not usually!) and being in an unhappy relationship for all these years.
I was reading the Lundy Bancroft thread yesterday and a few things REALLY rang true, which made me think maybe I am not being melodramatic after all;
His emotions and needs are ALWAYS priority and I really feel that I am not aloud to have to have any emotional needs at all. I also feel thta he plays on my empathatic nature- I am always excusing his behaving by thinking he has had a really difficult life/upbringing.
I am thinking he HAS infact been controlling our finances in a backhand way. We dont have a joint bank account but all the bills come out of mine, as I am the main earner, BUT he only contributes 25% of the household expenditure, leaving him with 50% of his wages as disposable income and leaving me with zero disposable income!! despite this I pay for everything for the kids and days out and holidays (even his part if he comes with us) so I run up credit to enable me and my kids to have a life. He justifies this saying he NEEDS to send money to his family (but he doesnt-i have seen his bank account) and he NEEDS to pay study fees to better his life and ultimately our life (doubtful whether he pays as much as he says) but I have never agreed to this. I realise that I am actually being forced to finance this with no discussion or agreement on my part?! arent I?

Anyway- I think I have FINALLY got him to understand that I want him to leave. And he has started drinking again (sober for 3 years). I realise this is another dimension. Why do I feel so guilty??? I feel like I should ask him back so that he doesnt drink, I feel that I have driven him to drink. I feel I need him to go for my mental health and for that of my kids in the future.

phew!----i think thats it for now!....

Well, I don't know whether you could class it as abusive (not enough information), but he's certainly got manipulation down to a fine art, hasn't he?

AA would tell you that nobody is responsible for another person's drinking. If he has taken it up again that is his choice. It is not your responsibility to stop him harming himself by keeping him in your life, when you are not otherwise happy with his presence.

I wouldn't say this is abusive, I'd say he sounds pretty selfish and is taking the piss in a nig way. Relate might help you see the wood for the trees - you can go on your own if he won't go with you.

big way

Hi,

Sod feeling guilty about him (hard as that is to achieve); he has not felt at all guilty for the way he has and is acting towards you has he?. Has he ever shown any remorse for his actions - I daresay not. That tells you all you need to know about him.

Control comes in all different forms; he has certainly been financially abusive here and that itself is a control method.

If he starts drinking again that is his choice - you are not responsible for him and him drinking again. FGS don't ask him back so that he does not drink (he will drink regardless) and you certainly did not drive him to drink either. Keep him away from you all. He made a conscious choice to start drinking again.

Concentrate instead on your own self and that of your children. You and they are your most important priority now, not him. Let the Solicitor deal with him if you go onto divorce him, at the very least seek legal advice for your own self.

thanks guys - Attila, there is NO way I'm taking him back this time - done this many times, this time i for real, but really struggling with my emotions/-guilt mostly - could I have done more to make it work???/

i realise that I let him get away with behaviour that is completely unacceptable....i can detach and see this but STILL feel that if I hsd just behaved differently myself, I could have changed the course of our relationship. As an example, I overheard him chatting up another women and bad mouthing me to her, saying i was useless and wouldnt cook. When I challenged him about this he said it had been only a joke and he got cross with me for taking it so seriously and completely refused to acknowledge it as an issue. I swept it under the carpet (as I was pregnant and a week over due!!!!) of course it has resurfaced, i cant get past it. but I keep thinking, that if I HAD done more cooking things might have been better- maybe he didnt feel looked after etc etc I DO realise this is ridiculous ----but why do i doubt myself so much?