Is it weird to feel this bitter over a year on?

[tinyfishbigpond]

Separated from exP over a year ago, no dc involved luckily. Got together with my current dp very quickly. He's lovely, everything exP wasn't. He is so thoughtful, always buying me little presents and just the little things like bringing me a cup of tea in bed or making sure I'm covered by the duvet when he leaves early in the morning.

The thing is though, a year later I'm still disgusted by myself for being with exP. He treated me like shit from day 1, would consistently just not turn up for days we had organised and ditch our plans to go out and get drunk with his friends. He was disgustingly messy. Didn't even see the need to have sheets on his bed or ever clean his room.

I just feel like I can't get over being with him. We were together for 2 years and I am so embarrassed. It got to the point towards the end where it was just pity I felt for him, there was nothing there.

I think it's really affecting my current relationship too. I would have sex with exP to shut up his whining, even though I didn't fancy him anymore. I hated it. I would have tears streaming down my face during but he never noticed. I can't relax with my new dp now and we havn't slept together in months now which is causing tension.

Sorry, a few glasses of wine later and this has turned into a muddle. Any thoughts?

Success! you left the twat.

Huge round of appalause and congratulations to you. Don't berate yourself, we all make mistakes sometimes, man who makes no mistakes makes nothing.

Sorry tiny, didn't want to leave you unanswered. Sounds like you need to work on forgiving yourself for taking so much crap for so long, and working out why you put up with it. Some counselling maybe? Maybe there's a way you can find some peace about your last relationship - look at how it's made you a better person, stronger, everything you've learnt, everything you'll never do again.

Talk to DP, if hes a keeper, which he sounds like he is, he'll understand then you can start shifting your fears with him. He sounds lovely.

I think you are beating yourself up because you now have the relationship that you deserve and are mad at yourself for putting up with the tosser before him for 2 years.

Just put it into the past as an experience never to be repeated, and a lesson in life on knowing what you do want from now on. It sounds like your current bloke is decent, so tell yourself what a bloody lucky escape you had, and congratulate yourself on being strong enough to end a shit relationship.

We all need to have had a shit relationship to be able to appreciate what a good one is :)

I feel like this about a good numberr of Xs. What the fuck was I thinking?

However, you are out of thAT particular cowpat and with someone nice. Well done!

He probably filled some function for you, or what you wanted him to be and now it's over. Good.

Your self-esteem hit rock bottom and you are blaming yourself for it. For either getting involved or staying for longer than you wanted. You forced yourself to have sex with him which was clearly just functional on his part.

You ended it. You aren't his mother, it wasn't up to you to sort out his living arrangements and hygiene so don't blame yourself. You have met someone nice because you are nice. Accept that your ex is your ex, in the past and move on. You are strong and you can be happy, you just need to let yourself. You deserve to be happy, you aren't responsible for your ex, his behaviour and his choices so stop being angry with yourself and work on your new relationship if that's what you want.

tinyfish - that's exactly how i feel about my ex!
and it's been 2 years now!

he pops in the shop sometimes and i think "oh my god, you disgust me"

yours sounds worse than mine, though. (can't have been that bad, becausei was with him for 8 years)

don't feel bad about it, though. sometimes you just can't pull yourself out - "he'll change, he'll grow up"

I felt similarly after I broke up with my ex. The thought of him now makes me cringe and for a long time I was so angry at myself for putting up with all his shit.

I actually went and had some counselling which was brilliant for helping me forgive myself and understand why I stayed for as long as I did.

Look at it a different way. If this had happened to your daughter or sister, you wouldn't be going on and on about it, you'd just be pleased that they'd found themselves a better life, wouldn't you?

So, deep breath and absolve yourself from your past mistakes.

Living well is the best revenge. - George Herbert.

Live well.

Thank you all for your wise words! I havn't even spoken to exP since we split up and I was so relieve to be rid of him, I don't know why I am even thinking about it now! I have been fighting the urge for a year now to just email him letting him know how badly he treated me and how fucked up his life is. I havn't done this because it would be letting him win.

I think even if I did let him know he'd just throw it all back in my face. He had a way of twisting any argument so that it was about me. Even him standind me up turned into him telling me how unreasonable I am!

wouldn't bother with the email, his brain won't even comprehend it - though you could write it out anyway but not send it, that can help.

The answer is people twist your mind, and turn you into someone you are not.

Once you are out of that situation you can see it with perspective and realise what was really going on, when you are in it, you can't see the wood for the trees.

Don't lose your current partner because of your last.....

Perhaps part of the feelings you are experiencing are disgust that you could let yourself be treated in that way, and fear that you would trust another person enough to let yourself be drawn in again?

The answer is you can like and love someone without letting them consume yourself and make yourself do something you do not want to do.

I would definitely reccomend counselling, as it sounds as if you have problems with your boundaries,and being able to say no?

Well done for getting rid

Tiny , many people whove been in a relationship with an abusive arsehole feel the way you do , its normal to some extent . Its also normal to want to be heard or for them to acknowledge theyve treated you badly . They rareley do , and if they do its not genuine .

Have you ever read about the dynamics of these abusive relationships , or how loveley people like us get sucked in ? If not , do , it will help you to forgive yourself and to understand what happened . I think you have every right to be angry , how dare he have treated you like that . But , you can get rid of it , and in time you will see him for the deeply damaged person that he is . Your anger is part of healing i think.

Do have a read on line , and theres also some very good books that can help you . I found it really usefull to write big ranty letters calling him allsorts , i never sent them, but it helped a lot.

Re your new partner , if you dont mind me asking , in what way is it affecting your new relationship ?

I think counselling is a route to go: you were being abused by your previous partner sexually and emotionally, (I doubt he didn't notice you crying during sex, he either didn't care or got off on it).

You're right to be angry, you deserved and deserve better. Don't let the anger continue to be turned inward. Counselling ought to help you deal with this and with the issues you're having with sex with your new dp.

If you wanted to persue counselling contact womens aid , they have centres all over the country. The one i went to was just a little house a few miles away and they were all loveley .

I just wanted to add , you say your partners loveley and thoughtfull ect but you dont want to have sex with him. Thoughtfull isnt enough sometimes. Are you attracted to him ? Does he treat you properly in all other areas ? Is it possible that although hes better than your ex your not really that " into " him ?

Sometimes when we dont want to have se with someone its perfectly justified , it doesnt mean theyre horrible , it can just mean were not that into them .

Dignified- it's affecting me because my new partner is so nice and thoughtful to me that I find it hard to show my gratitude. It sounds awful but I'm so used to being treated badly that I don't know how to react when showered with gifts and niceness.

I am attracted to my new dp. I'm just going through a particularly stressful time and having a bit of a breakdown at the moment. I'm finding it hard to be happy being intimate with my dp when I'm barely functioning at the moment.

Thanks for all the replies giving advice. I will look into councelling. I'm also going to write some ranty letters getting out all of my anger and tear them up. He won't ever see them but at least I will have had my say.

I understand , sometimes being with a nice normal partner highlights just how bad things actually were .