Can I/should I continue relationship with man when I think he's still in love with ex?

[notsureiwanttohearthis]

Don't know why I've name changed really. I guess I'm terrified of what I'm going to hear so will be able to lick my wounds anonymously...

I am in relationship with a very lovely, nice man. We have a great time whenever we spend time together (which is often). His ex (mother of his DC) was the one that left him. There was no one else involved, she just told him she didn't love him any more and moved out. I met him soon after they split and we've been together ever since.

I tried really, really hard not to fall in love with him too quickly - to make sure I got to know him well, to keep my realistic cynical old cow goggles on at all times - but I couldn't hold off any longer and am now in love with him. I can't help it, he's an amazing human being (not perfect, obviously, but who is?).

The thing is, despite the fact that he's very attentive and generous and makes a lot of effort to see me and things are great, etc, etc, I can't shake the suspicion that he's not over his ex. I mean, how could he possibly be? We met so soon after she left him, he didn't have time to properly grieve the break up of his relationship and his family before he and I got together.

I feel very insecure about him seeing her when they do the kids handover. I wonder whether he still gets that bittersweet pang you get when you see the person who broke your heart, whenever he sees her. I wonder whether when her name comes up on his phone, does his heart skip a beat still?

I tentatively prodded this subject the other day and during a conversation about how he loves spending time with his DCs I asked him whether he found it hard dealing with his ex. He said he did find it hard seeing her and that he preferred it when they only had phone and email contact.

I didn't ask him why but I can only take that to mean that he does still love her and it hurts him to see her.

I told him about feeling insecure sometimes and he said that I needn't be and that there was zero chance of them ever getting back together and I had no reason to worry on that score.

I love him, I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me because he's getting over her. But things are so great between us anyway. It's not like they'll ever get back together and he obviously wants to keep things going with me.

Do I stay in this otherwise lovely relationship and see whether love develops on his side? Or am I doing myself a disservice by staying with someone whom I know suspect doesn't love me (yet?), when I love them now?

When does optimism become accepting second best?

How long have you been together?

Not that long. about 7 months.

It is early days. I would give it time, but protect yourself by not putting the whole of yourself in his hands and not over-investing too soon. Do you have DCs?

I am the person like your partner...... in my relationship.

I don't think love just switches off. I wanted to leave and divorce but even so emotionally detaching has been hard. I now don't love my ex but I have spent nearly 18 months working at that.

My new partner seems to understand that and when we are together I feel very happy with him. I cannot commit however and that includes allowing myself to wallow into loving him. I do love him but it's guarded and I have brakes on my emotions.

I hope this will change but it will take time for me to trust again

Sorry, only just got chance to get back here. Yes it is still very early days, but if you have feelings yourself, then they are not going to switch off if you end the relationship either. I wouldnt expect him to commit fully to you yet, it is too soon, and I think you have to allow him to grieve a bit for the relationship he has lost and expect him to find it hard when coming face to face with her for some time yet.

I agree with Rosie too, try not to be too full on with him, or it could backfire and scare him off a bit, as being too much too soon.

I dont think its a case of accepting second best, or even seeing yourself as his "second best". I think though, its probably a good idea not to question him too much on how he feels when he sees her, as whatever he says, you will either be upset if he says it does still hurt him, or worried that he is lying to you if he says he isnt. Let sleeping dogs lie is the safest way in my view.

Phew, thanks guys. I thought you would tell me I was being a mug.

I'm relieved to read your comments because intuitively it does feel like I just have to give him space and not be too full-on. I really want to tell him how I feel but I can just sense it's not the right time right now; I'd probably scare him off or at least make things awkward and imbalanced.

I'm exhausted from not saying how I feel all the time!

I would still make sure he knew how deeply I cared, by actions rather than words. He is probably still feeling very raw, and finding it hard to let his barriers down and trust in a relationship.

I just love him so much. I can't say it to him so I will say it here: I love him!

Bear in mind that people do not necessarily pine after the person who dumped them. Has he ever said to you that he was devastated when his XP left? Sometimes a relationship has run its course and it's just a matter of one person being the one to say, look this is not working, let's put a stop to it and the other partner's response is predominantly relief.
An XP of mine got married 8 months after we split up, and he had been unhappy that I dumped him, but 18 years later he is still blissfully happy with his DW and their DC.

What Spring said.

I never experienced it myself, the love at first sight thing, and for me, heart over head sort of love was always disastrous for me, so I gave it up, and have been FAR happier.

But stop feeling insecure!

Just go with it all and see how it pans out.

Life is too short to second guess.

expatinscotland Sat 26-Mar-11 01:45:33I never experienced it myself, the love at first sight thing, and for me, heart over head sort of love was always disastrous for me, so I gave it up, and have been FAR happier.

I have to say I worry at my own lack of emotion, so am doing the reverse of what you are doing, but about myself. expats comments reassure me because when I'm with him it feels so right. I just haven't got that head over heels uncontrollable emotion but tbh I had that with my ex who was extremely abusive and avoiding that emotion now, is important to me

I respect and love DP in my own way. If he pushed and pushed me to express it so he felt feel secure in that, I'd leave him.

I called him by my exs name a week ago (first time in a year's relationship). I wanted to cry but he was very cool and accepts I'd spent 20+ yrs with ex and it was absent minded & error nothing else

I think you have to be be patient. It's not about being a doormat but about accepting where your partner is in a process, this is probably not forever. If you cannot accept it and want a different behaviour now you need a different partner.