on-line dating heartache

[helicopterview]

I've not been on mumsnet for ages. Separated from h about a year ago, and been on the mend. So much so that felt ready to launch myself into eharmony.
All was going well, third guy I dated seemed so perfect. Grown up, age appropriate, never married, no kids, accomplished and funny. We got on well, visited each other houses, yes, had sex. All good. He asked me to go on holiday with him over Easter.
So I allowed myself to relax and think I was so lucky to find a good'un so fast. Then last night, on a date, he announces that he's met someone else on the site. (He said he'd let his subscription lapse, but they'd been communicating since before then). She's attractive, younger than me, in her late 30s, and wants to start a family. My situation is too complicated. Though he's known all about it all along.

I feel bereft. Worse in a way than splitting up from h, because it was still in the heat of that initial lust and excitement.

And now of course I feel that I am not as attractive as the mystery woman, and have more baggage than this guy, who had seemed so sorted and adult, can handle.

Will I ever meet someone who is devoted to me????

of course you will. dont be so hard on yourself, he was a rat. move on there are plenty of fish in the sea :)

My mum left her last boyfriend after 12 years because she couldnt stand him no more (she met him after she divorced dad) she met someone else and married a few years later - shes been married now 5 yrs and is 50 in september :) Love comes to those who are least expecting it.

It's rotten for you but at least the man was decent enough to tell you he wanted to date someone else rather than stringing you along or keeping you as a fallback in case she didn't want a relationship with him.
There are lots of nice men out there, chin up and move on.

Aw helicopter don't worry, I did online dating and I think you just have to hang in there. Sometimes people you meet online start out super and then disappear because the website's a bit like a massive dating playground with so many options, some people never settle because they're always wondering if they could get somebody even better. You're going into it with the right attitude, actually looking for a serious partner, and there are a lot of men out there wanting to do exactly the same. Try not to let the players get you down, and don't ever take it personally. In any case, this guy wouldn't have asked you on holiday if he hadn't really liked you. I was lucky if my dates managed a text afterwards to say they'd enjoyed the evening...

Dust yourself down and go out on another date and just keep doing it. A big part of it is a numbers game. At least, as women, we don't usually have to pay for the meal :D I had a lot of nice free dinners!

"It's rotten for you but at least the man was decent enough to tell you he wanted to date someone else rather than stringing you along or keeping you as a fallback in case she didn't want a relationship with him."

I think he did though, it sounded like the relationship was establishing itself with plans to go on holiday imminently etc but all the while he was emailing another online potential, sounds like testing the water to me.

I don't say this to make you feel worse OP but in hope that it will induce a little bit of necessary anger, which is all part of the grieving process.

And I can tell you from experience that yes, in some ways breaking up in the honeymoon phase is worse than from a long term relationship as you haven't had time to see the flaws etc, all you've got to look back on is that giddy flush of a new romance and the rosy hopes you had for the future, the potential of which you will be missing more than anything.

However, and it is a big however, it is like a steep curve rather than a prolonged incline, in the first few weeks you might feel worse than after splitting up with your ExH but you'll suddenly find you feel loads better and will get over it much quicker.

Things wouldn't have worked out if you and this guy have different life plans, whether they are your choice or not, so he's done you a favour by freeing you up for someone who is compatible.

And incompatible doesn't mean he was too good for you, or you had too much baggage or you weren't as good as this other woman, it means simply what it is, incompatible. No value judgement attached, you must remember that and stop your mind dwelling on imagined plus points. Focus on your's instead.

I think the key word here was "fast".

Take your time - no one is that perfect so early on.
No point in comparing yourself to someone else - completely fruitless - there's always someone better/worse looking than you around, or more/less baggage.
There will be someone out there perfect for you, but it takes time.

Hello helicoptor, nice to see your name again.

Sorry that this guy has hurt you. It's shit when you let your guard down thinking that you'll be okay and then finding out that's not the case.

I have to agree with those who have said that maybe it was toofast. But then again, if it felt right, it's hard not to go with it.

Stand up, dust yourself off and get back out there lovely. But take you time. You need time to get over this knock.

Take care x

Thanks everyone, and hello again Mouseface.

I can see a day or two later that this guy has actually done me a favour. I've got back in touch with a guy I was emailing before, told him what happened, and have been much clearer about my expectations, and what I need from my dates. He's expressed suitable levels of outrage for how this guy behaved. Onwards and upwards. A new date tomorrow!

Hmm, I'd be careful helicopterview. If you've jut laid this whole thing out to the new guy, what if he does the same thing? It's perfectly OK to date other people if you have met online imo, until you both agree that you are exclusive and take down your profiles.
Exactly how long were you with the first man? It seems you've jumped back very quickly back into conversation with the second. Did you email him at the time to say you'd met someone and wouldn't be chatting again? If someone went quiet on me and then reappeared after a few months I'd tell them where to go I think.
Fwiw though, I met my dp online 6 months ago (first time I'd tried internet dating, and the first date I went on!) and he is fabulous, so there are good ones out there :)

Wow BooBooGlass, congrats on your success story! What site did you use?

helicopter- please listen and learn. sorry that you met a rat- but listen up.

First rule of dating anyone new is you don't blab about how the previous rat let you down. Whether you met them online or in Tesco. it's just bad form. it also makes you look insecure. Of course the new guy is going to agree the ex was a rat- what else do you expect him to do? But laying down what you expect on the basis of being hurt previously is not the way to begin anything.

You are going into the new thing with clear baggage and really, you need time to lick your wounds a bit- or at least keep them covered up.

Why did you contact guy no. 2 again? Presumably you thought guy 3 was better but he let you down so now you are settling for guy 2? Are you feeling a bit needy? Genuine question - not being antoganistic. If so then really you should step away from internet dating until you are feeling more secure in yourself. That's when you're most likely to meet someone who is devoted to you. I met my DH online and having dabbled in internet dating a few times hoping to meet someone, I met him when I logged on early in the new year with the intention of just having a bit of fun/putting a few dates in the diary over the dark winter months.

Thanks for advice. Yes probably feeling needy due to double dating exposure. However, just about to go away for best part of a month, so enforced dating gap coming up! No bad thing.