DH wants separation, I'm in shock & scared of future- What should I do?

[StableButDeluded]

We've been together 20 years & have a 5 year old son.The background to this is that I suffer with chronic anxiety, have done for a large part of our married life, and he has always been supportive & loving, but situation worsened when DH was born as I developed PND as well, which has left my anxiety worse as a whole.
I have trouble coping with things sometimes which means over the last few years I have had to call DH home from work, or stop him going to work so that he can look after DS. This causes massive stress for DH & problems at work, so this in turn means he gets frustrated with me & we argue. We both end up saying hurtful things and feeling awful, but we always say sorry and somehow get back to normal.
Anyway, he told me on Monday (after another argument on the weekend) that he wants us to seperate-he still cares a lot for me,but he cannot live with me any more, cannot cope with the stress my anxiety is putting him through, and doesn't love me 'in that way' any more. He says he hasn't been happy or felt loved for a long time and has been thinking about what's best for all of us since Christmas. (Things were particularly bad at Christmas, my anxiety was very bad, he had to take an extra week off work to look after DS and we missed a New Year break that was booked. Also, at end of january he had to miss a good friend's retirement party he had been really looking forward to as it involved him being away for the weekend and I got panicky at the last minute and he had to stay home)

He wants us to separate amicably and hopes that we can remain friends- I mean friends to the extent that we will still spend time together with DS and maybe even go on holiday as a family. There is no other woman involved.

Although I know things have not been great I was not expecting this. I am sort of numb, but sad at the same time I can't eat or sleep properly and trying to put a brave face on for DS's sake is incredibly hard. I have begged & pleaded, (I know I shouldn't), but he is determined. He says he doesn't want us to end up hating each other in a few years time.

I am so so scared now for the future- I have no job, only income from Incapacity Benefit because of my mental health, and a small amount of DLA because I am physically disabled. DH wants us to sell the house & split 50/50, he wants to move to cheaper area near his work & have DS to live with him but that I can see DS as much as I want.

I will never be able to afford to buy/rent a house in Cardiff which is where we are now, even with money from selling our joint house. I love my little house, I hate the idea of having to move in with my elderly mother which is the only option I can see. I want so much for Ds to live with me, but that wouldn't be possible at my mum's, but I have no idea where else I could live and without DH's help I would struggle to look after him properly if I was having a 'bad' day.

Part of me is starting to see that things may be better all round if we do this-I will still have him as a friend, and if we can have good days together with DS then that is better for DS than hearing us argue. But secretly I don't know if I should agree to selling the house, I don't want DS to leave his school because he's taken a while to settle in Reception and it's an 'oustanding' school. I don't even know if I should be seeing a solicitor, or we should see one together- I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for such a long post. I read holdmyhand's thread and I feel very similar to her although there is no OW-the grieving, the numbness, the worry over money, the feelings of panic etc. I do not want to fall out with DH, I still love him but I know he will not change his mind and I want to keep him as a friend if I can't have him as a husband, but I am so so sad, and so scared of the future without my family or my home.

What a lot going through your mind.How much exteranal help do you get with you anxiety issues? Medication and counselling could mean that you aren't going to be feeling like this always. Having DH on call hasn't worked so trying something new would be great. As for the practical things don't do house selling and moving yet. Tell DH that if he wants to move out thats his choice but you don't want to disrupt your and DS lives any more than is necessary at the moment. Is it possible for you to think about these things in smaller bits? A solicitor may be good so you get advice on where you stand legally. Just because you feel guilty about having been needy and ill, don't think it means you have to agree to everything that is being put to you. I had a good friend who finally realised she wasn't as bad as her DH thought the weekend he booked her into mental hospital so he could go away!! she checked herself out and grew day by day. I am not trying to lessen your anxiety issues, having suffered depresssion and panic attacks and begged DH not to go out, I do understand. BUT having made full recovery I also want to encourage you this could be the best thing that ever happened to you.Hugsxx

I've recovered from anxiety, you can too.

Go and get help from your GP.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety?

If your on IB you are entitled to legal aid so you need to make an appointment to see a solicitor straight away to see what your options are.

You and your dh will probably be referred to mediation where you will both be forced to realistically confront finances and come to an agreement.

You won't have to pay for mediation either if you qualify for legal aid.

Has your DH said why he wants to separate?

Hereforlife is right too - you can recover from anxiety and you really should address this regardless of whether you're splitting up or not.

You need to focus on the here and now, not try to plan years ahead.

Of course you're in shock - this has been a very long relationship, but it sounds as though your DH has been honest and open. He has supported you all these years, but is being honest about the impact that's had on his life. I would imagine with the issues of having to take time off work, or leave unexpectedly to come home, plus the cancelling of days out and holidays, it's all been incredibly stressful, and he's probably feeling deeply anxious and craving some sort of normality and balance in his life.

It sounds as though youre determined to sort this out amicably, which is the key thing for your child's sake, so focus on how you can separate without souring the relationship.

I'm so, so sorry StablebutDeluded. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks for over a year and wanted to die it was so hideous, I can't believe you have suffered with this so long.

Not really a surprise things have come to a head. When I was at my worst I really relied on my dh and he was great, totally there, but I knew he has not a clue how it felt, or how to help me. How could he? And I figured if this went on much longer we would lose what we had.

I think you need to get some legal advice, independant of your dh. What you are entitled to disability wise may increase when he is no longer supporting you.

But most of all, please go back to your gp and demand more help with this awful illness. The person i know who never got the right help became aggraphobic, lost her husband and became addicted to painkillers. She is a shadow of herself.

You have your child, you need to get help to deal with this.