I have NO sex drive and haven't since the birth of DS three years ago!

[clarkykitten]

Will I ever get it back? I love and fancy DH, I just really can't be bothered with sex at all and I am trying to just do it and hope that I get in the mood, but I am always so pleased when it is over :( I also can't fully relax any more when we are doing it so can't come as easily - the same is true when I am doing it, ahem, myself which isn't that often. We have a 3 year old and a ten month old. I have body confidence issues, but I think that I am just so knackered and, as I am still BF, my hormones must be playing a part.

Any experience or advice?

You have a three year old and 10 month old and I think that it would be quite normal to not having a raunchy sex life or drive. Try not to worry about. I'm sure a lot of mums feel the same way. I certainly do and I have a three and and a two year old.

Thanks. It wouldn't really be an issue for me, if DH wasn't always going on about it I guess. He seems to think we should do it as often as we did pre-kids, I guess he's not as tired as me but I can't seem to get it through to him that it is not a personal thing.

Good to know others are the same!

Does he do his share of the housework? That's his share not one sinkful of washing up on a Friday night and then getting his cock out in the expectation of a 'reward'.
It's not a matter of 'trading housework for sex', it's a matter of indentifying and tackling a very common cause of mothers of young children not wanting as much sex as their male partners. Which is the men not doing their share domestically leading a) to the women being tired, whereas a fair division of domestic work would make them less tired and b) it's hard to feel lust for someone who is treating you like a servant who's supposed to be providing a body for the lord and master to have sex on as well as servicing him in every other way.

Though if your H is playing fair and is a nice bloke and you want to want it, if you see what I mean, have a word with your GP as there may be a hormonal issue.

You do need to fix this because mismatched sex-drives is a big reason why men walk out the door or look for affairs... and whether that's reasonable behaviour or not is immaterial, it happens. I'd suggest you put some time aside for the pair of you away from the children. Regular 'dates' together in the evenings, a long weekend or a week away perhaps. It's to get back in touch with each other sexually and recharge the batteries, but it's also to communicate with each other about the way things have changed... your needs, his needs... and be open with each other about what you can both do to get the spark back.

Is he actually any good at sex? I mean, I guess you enjoy it. But is he really good? Screaming, thrashing, "oh god!", feeling like you're dying, that kind of good?

I lost my usually very high libido for the first few weeks of my pregnancy and it's still only coming back slowly now. So yes, I fully agree that hormones could be playing a part in your problem. Also tiredness - it's the only other thing that stops me and maybe that's true for you too.

I know a lot of people are about to come down hard on what I'm about to say, too, but I'll say it anyway. Can't you give him oral sex more often, as a uh favour? or, you know, something else that's non reciprocal but takes care of some of his needs? I'd suggest the same to any man in your position, so this isn't me being sexist.

But yes, do get those hormones checked out. It's surprising how much we're chemically-driven, really...

He is pretty good with the housework actually, doesn't do as much as me but does do a bit, cooks loads and he's great with getting the kids sorted etc

Nanetta, he's good but I can't say I've felt what you are saying for a looong while. I think we both need a kick up the butt to take a bit more time with each other and get back to being us rather than parents who only do it at half 11 at night when I feel like I am going to fall asleep. We're going away for the weekend soon (1st since DD was born) so that should help, hopefully. I need to do a bit more of what you are suggesting G1inger, too. Thanks for all the replies :)

Time to yourself will help, as well. That is, time to do something that's just for you, whether that's going for a swim, an evening class in motor mechanics or a night at the pictures with your mates. Sometimes having 'date nights' with a partner can help, but not always: if there's something you'd rather be doing then even going out for a 'romantic' dinner can feel like a chore, and if all you do is be mum then be romantic partner, you forget to be you, and that can make a libido vanish.

Also, to be blunt, how is your fanjo? is sex more uncomfortable post-birth? Because if this is the case you should consult your GP, there may be a way of improving the situation.